FeelGooder: Tips for Life

Domestic Organization for Work-from-home Parents

August 2, 2011 by Darren Rowse

Recently, I was mentioned in a blog post about home management and blogging. I left a fairly long comment on the post which and I thought some of what I shared might be of interest for the FeelGooder audience.

I’ve recently had my third child, L, arrive home from the hospital, so my wife and I are in the thick of family life. But of course I need to stay on top of work as well—and when you work from home, the lines can get a little blurry.

Here are my tips for working toward the work-life balance when your a parent with young children, and you work from home.

Set your priorities

For me, striking a balance is about working out what you want in your life, then structuring your life around that. It sounds simple, but it doesn’t always come easily for me. I’m not a particularly organized person, and I’m certainly not naturally “domestic.” But I do think we should at least identify what we want from life, and doing what is in our own control to achieve those goals.

Be willing to negotiate with yourself

I’m constantly negotiating with myself, on a personal level, as I look at my priorities and work out how I’m going to achieve them. This can be a real struggle at times—as I say, I’m not particularly “domestic” and there are 101 things I’d rather do than clean the bathroom! But all the same, I value hygiene and want be responsible for keeping my house (my family’s biggest asset) in order. So I constantly wrestle with myself to do those things I don’t particularly want to do.

At times, this negotiation has meant writing lists, setting daily tasks to complete, asking others to keep me accountable, and so on.

Be willing to negotiate with others

For me, living in a family requires us to work as a team. While we’re no “poster couple,” my wife and I are both reasonable people, and while we have our fair share of spats over who’s going to do the dishes, we’ve semi-regularly negotiated who does what in the house.

This has changed as our lives have changed. In the early days, V worked full-time, and quite long hours, so in addition to my part-time jobs, blogging, and studies, I structured my days so I did more of the domestic stuff. From memory, for quite a while we had a bit of a “roster” system—we were newly married and needed a bit more structure in that area of our lives. Some jobs we took turns on (cleaning bathrooms, dishes, groceries and so on), but others we did consistently (I vacuumed, she dusted, for example).

Blogging happened in between everything else that was going on.

Over the last nine years of marriage, our life’s changed. Today we have three kids aged five and under, including a three-week old, so we’re in a new phase—something we’ve had to negotiate and work hard on. My wife is on maternity leave and isn’t working, which also changes the mix. This week, I’ve cooked every night, she squeezed in a visit to the super market, I’ve looked after the kids from 7-9am each day while she’s had a sleep-in, she’s doen the night feeds, I’ve done the night settling … life’s different!

Outsource what you can

Over time, we’ve “outsourced” different tasks. Really, this has been the result of our priorities as well as our resources. We want to achieve, experience, and do certain things, and to be honest, right now it doesn’t all quite fit in.

As we have the resources to do so, we have someone come in for an hour every week or two to help with some cleaning.
I’ve brought in some help into my business to lighten my load so I can spend more time with family.
We probably get take out every couple of weeks.

All of these things help us achieve what we want to do with our lives. There have been times when we haven’t been able to afford them; at others, we’ve wrestled with guilt over some of it; at others, we’ve come to terms with the fact that by having someone help in a certain area, we’re better able to do things that we consider higher priorities.

I know that everyone’s family and home life is different, but hopefully these ideas give a picture of how we make things work—or attempt to! The reality is that, of course, it doesn’t always work. I have days when I’m lazy, distracted, or unfocused and need to pull myself into line (or need some accountability around that).

There have been times where it’s all just worked smoothly, without much negotiation, but at others, I’ve had to put systems in place (schedules, rosters, lists, etc.) to help me keep on track. I find that even a week or two of following a routine is sometimes enough to snap me back to a good rhythm. After that, I can let the formal systems go, and move on.

I do know that works for me: to sit down and work out your priorities, and from that plan a weekly or monthly schedule to help you move towards those goals. In time, you might find a new more natural rhythm.

This is how I do it, but we can all use advice on striking a balance. How do you manage work and home priorities? I’d love to hear your tips in the comments.

FeelGooder Asks: What’s Your Favorite End-of-week Ritual?

July 29, 2011 by georgina

We’re nearly at the end of the week, and I have a few Friday night plans. Most of us have a preferred way to unwind at the end of a long week, so I though I’d see how you like to celebrate Friday.

What’s your favorite end-of-week ritual?

The last of the mojitos

My favorite way to finish the week is with a stiff drink and some good conversation.

Whether that’s conversation with friends in a bar, or a discussion with weekend visitors at home in front of the fire, it doesn’t matter. Nor are the topics of conversation that important—some days, I might ponder the world’s problems with a close friend; others I might shoot the breeze with someone I barely know. Recent conversational topics from my Friday night ritual have included:

outfits for a costume party
Japan
work, clients, and freelancing
What are you cooking for that special occasion Sunday?

That list really could go on, but you get the idea: anything goes. Really, all that’s required are those two ingredients: a drink and some talk. Whatever form it takes, I’m happy!

What makes you happy on a Friday night? How will you spend this Friday? And what’s your favorite Friday ritual? Share with us in the comments!

The Bright Side of Coping with Depression

July 28, 2011 by Guest Contributor

This guest post is by Dan Lippmann of the Mood Switch Method.

If you could take a pill that would prevent you from ever feeling sad or depressed, would you take it?

A July 2011 Prevention Magazine article entitled, “The Surprising Silver Lining of Sadness” reports that antidepressants are the most commonly prescribed drug in America for adults under the age of 60, and that about 10% of the population is taking them at any given moment.

image used with permission

While medication can be helpful for those with severe depression, clearly many people with milder forms of depression don’t want to experience sadness and loss, either. They just want these painful feelings to go away.

Since I spend my days teaching people how to switch their negative moods to more positive ones, people sometimes assume that my goal is for people to be happy all the time. Nothing could be further from the truth!

I’m certainly not happy all the time, nor would I want to be. Sometimes sad or down feelings are normal and even necessary. If a dear friend moves away, then it’s entirely healthy to feel sad. Or if you don’t get a job you really want, then it’s natural to feel down.

As painful as these feelings are, there are good reasons not to numb them with drugs. According to the Prevention Magazine article, coping with depression without drugs can make you emotionally healthier, improve your brain functioning, and increase your resilience.

My client Mary is a good example of how dealing with depression can have a positive outcome. After she was fired from her sales job, she became very depressed, barely leaving her house and withdrawing from friends and family.

She was so depressed that she went on medication for awhile. But the medication numbed all her emotions – the sad ones and the happy ones. She eventually decided to go off the medication, saying she’d rather feel “normal than numb.”

Depression stops you in your tracks, shuts you down, and leads you to withdraw from your regular life. While withdrawal is often perceived as a negative, there is a benefit. It gives you the time and space to focus on what’s troubling you.

During this time, Mary thought endlessly about her career. She criticized her performance, wondered what she could have done differently, and worried about ever finding another job. Although such rumination is often viewed as unhealthy and unhelpful, studies show that it often stimulates analytic reasoning and contributes to problem solving and new insights.

In Mary’s case, hours of rumination produced an amazing insight: She’d spent 20 years of her life selling products she didn’t care anything about.

Mary’s new awareness motivated her to look for more meaningful work. She eventually found a job selling equipment for children with special needs. Since Mary’s daughter had special needs, she now experienced her work as important and worthwhile.

She also acknowledged that she felt stronger for having faced her depression head on. As painful and scary as her experience was, she had learned skills for dealing with negative thoughts and handling life’s challenges.

Sometimes sadness and depression are necessary for growth. Sometimes they can change your life dramatically for the better.

Please share your experiences about dealing with depression without drugs. What insights did you gain?

Dan Lippmann, LCSW, is the director of Counseling and Wellness Innovations, with two offices near Chicago, Illinois. He is also the creator of the Mood Switch Method, an easy to learn technique that breaks the painful cycle of negative emotions such as anxiety, down moods and anger. You can download his free eBook, Beyond EFT: 7 Steps to Banish Stress, Worry, Fear and Anxiety, and sign up for blog at www.danlippmann.com.

10 Ways to Entertain Your Kids in Your Own Backyard

July 27, 2011 by Guest Contributor

This guest post is by Janette Dolores of www.janettedolores.com.

The lazy days of summer aren’t lazy at all when you have young children at home. A heart-warming time of life, your young child may view you not only as his caregiver and source of goldfish-shaped cheese snacks, but as his agenda planner and playmate.

Most parents often travel to parks, playgrounds or pools during the summer, but let’s face it: sometimes you just want to hang out at home for the day. For those days, I entertain my little ones with creative and inexpensive activities in the yard.

Photo Attribution: Clare Bloomfield

Here are some warm weather ideas you may want to try at home with your little one(s):

A limbo contest. A mop handle works well for this activity. Play some fun limbo music—my kids like “Wipe Out” by the Beach Boys—and place the handle at age-appropriate heights. Ducking with the chin down to get under the bar is perfectly acceptable for younger contestants! Run a search for “limbo music” on YouTube for further musical selections.
A yard egg hunt. Egg hunts are not just for Easter. Take plastic toy eggs, fill them with finger snacks, candy or coins for the piggy bank, and hide the eggs around the yard. Give the kids colorful wicker baskets with which to collect the eggs. You can hide the eggs several times in different locations and sit back as your children relish in finding each new hiding spot.
A yard picnic. Throw an outdoor blanket on the ground–preferably under a shady tree—and have lunch or an early dinner outdoors with finger food and juice boxes. It’s a perfect opportunity to bond as a family, chitchat and discuss the sights and sounds just outside your door.
A yard luau. Enjoy lunch or an early dinner outdoors with a luau theme that will be sure to keep your kids giggling and engaged. A luau can be as inexpensive as you want, depending on how intricate you make it. I go to our local party supply store and buy leis and floral headbands for under a dollar each, child mini hula skirts for around five dollars each and hibiscus-themed tableware for about $20. The musical entertainment comes free, courtesy of searching “luau music” or “Hawaiian music” on YouTube. Again, a Beach Boys tune—“Kokomo”—is a luau favorite in my household. Or, you can buy a luau music CD at your local party store.
Gardening. Kids do not see gardening as a chore at all. You can find sturdy kiddie gardening sets for under $15. Plant flowers for instant beauty or vegetables and herbs for a fall harvest, all with thrilled children in tow.
A portable sprinkler to run through. My kids enjoy the kiddie pool, but beam when I set up the portable sprinkler for them to run through. To make a game out of oscillating sprinklers, place several toys close to the sprinkler base and have each child take a turn collecting the toys before the sprinkler nozzles swing back in that child’s direction.
Exploring nature. With a compass, pair of child binoculars and a kiddie magnifying glass in hand, you can chart a course into the “wilderness” of your yard to study birds in flight or analyze leaf patterns and bugs. Have a basket handy to store your children’s finds. If your child is old enough, you may want to take along a dirt sifter to collect rocks of different shapes and colors.
Yard camping. Set up a play tent and pretend you’ve gone camping. We like to play tea time in ours. For added effect, I make S’mores indoors in the microwave for the kids to munch on outdoors in the tent. You can find outdoor play tents for under $30.
Watercolors. Large coloring books work best for outdoor watercolor painting. With pages measuring up to a foot and a half long, large coloring books give your little one plenty of room to paint with the thicker brushes young children use while developing their fine motor skills. Don’t forget the smocks and plastic cups filled with water to clean brushes during color changes!
Oldies but goodies. Some oldie but goodie outdoor fun may be familiar games to us parents, but completely new to our children depending on their ages. Games like hide-and-seek, I spy, hopscotch and tag are always a hit, with the added bonus of being free.

What warm weather activities do you enjoy in the outdoors of your home with your young children?

Janette Dolores is an at-home mom, wife and blogger. She is passionate about family, spirituality and writing, and draws inspiration for her writing from everyday experiences. Read more of her posts at www.janettedolores.com.

Have You Arrived in Life?

July 26, 2011 by Guest Contributor

This post is by S. Srinivasan: philosopher, writer and thinker.

The search is on—search for eternal happiness, search for that elusive love, and search for something you don’t even know about.

Sometimes I feel that this search will never end and I will never arrive in life. Fortunately, these moments are few and far between—I am busy with my life otherwise. But we have to ask and question ourselves as to the real purpose of life. Is it simply living an uninteresting, vegetable-like life? Or is there a bigger, grander purpose?

I don’t believe that we are born to sell discount coupons, live our lives, and be snuffed out at some point. The conclusion I have reached is that we must live to achieve a higher purpose. The goal is to find the right balance.

Spirituality does not mean a hermit’s life

I often see people struggle to make a choice—as if it is either a life of a puritan or one of debauchery. It is either an orgy of sex or total abstinence. This is where we tend to get confused.

Why not think of life as a balancing act? You can be in the thick of things as well as remain aloof and untouched. Life will be fulfilled only if there is place for everything—love, sex, friendship, spirituality, and physical pleasures. We must not feel ashamed to enjoy life, nor should we wallow in self-pity. This is what I call a spiritual experience. There is actually no one choice you must make. You must take it as it comes, with joy and contentment and with gratitude. A hermit’s life is no better than a wasted one—it neither fulfills one’s own desires nor does it help anyone else attain happiness.

The journey is itself the destination

Discovering small bits of happiness—catching the sparkle of morning sun on glittering waters of a distant lake, watching the tender petals of a blooming rose—these are the fleeting moments of life which I hold in my heart. These moments occur while I sell my discount coupons. That sounds pedestrian, but it is true. I don’t want to look for these treasures in isolation. Rather, they take on a new meaning when they happen within the mundane stretch of life. We have to live, after all.

Why wait for that far destination when the journey itself is the purpose? Why rush through life just to get there? The “there” which we think about is only a mirage—it disappears once we get “there.” The search is endless. Now is the only truth—the only reality.

When you understand this simple truth, you have actually arrived. This is your destination. Enjoy it. Live it up. Say your prayers if you think you need to, else keep your silence. Living the moment is the ultimate joy. The past is gone and the future lies beyond. The only truth is now. Let it happen.

S. Srinivasan is a philosopher, writer and thinker who likes to dwell on the other side of moon. He also writes about diets and weight loss programs that offer Savings code for Medifast diet and coupon deals for Nutrisystem.

FeelGooder Asks: What Makes You Crazy?

July 22, 2011 by georgina

I know: can of worms, right? But today, lots of stuff is making me crazy, and I wondered about you. too. Rather than turn this into one big rant, perhaps I should narrow down the question:

What makes you crazy … and how do you get past it?

Image courtesy stock.xchng user iotdfi

One thing that really makes me crazy is when people don’t appreciate my time. I freelance, and I work from home, and it took more than a year for my friends and family to understand that this didn’t mean that my time was limitless and infinitely flexible.

I think many people thought I was on a sort of holiday, so I was available to do whatever, whenever. And if they needed to cancel at the last minute because they were “busy”, that would be fine with Good Old Free-time Georgina. I mean, I had nowhere else to be, right?

The flip-side of this challenge arises when clients or work contacts feel we should be available and responsive 24/7—the kinds of people who email you and then email you again to make sure you got their email (the implication being that I haven’t got back to them quickly enough). This makes me crazy, too.

The way I get past the crazy in these cases is usually to point out to the person concerned that they’re not all I have going on right now. I pretty quickly learned that most people, particularly those who work full-time, don’t know what it’s like to freelance, so they assume your days are flexible, rather than realizing that you’re wedging in a lunch between two meetings and a deadline.

A little calm explanation (emphasis on “calm”) was all that was needed to clarify that I was just as busy as they were, and get them to give my time as much consideration as they wanted me to give theirs. It’s good to know that although this makes me extremely crazy, the solution to the problem is extremely simple.

What makes you crazy? And how do you get past it so that you can get on with your day?

Find Your Fitness Flow

July 21, 2011 by Lisa Johnson

If you read the happiness literature and research that’s out there, you’ll quickly notice the word “flow.” It’s used a lot in the quest for bliss. When we are in our happy places, there is flow. The same is true for fitness.

You need to cover the bases of cardio, weight training, and stretching, but there are more ways to do that than fans at a World Cup soccer game. Cardio can be hardcore running or a free-form dance class. Strength training can be traditional weight lifting, or it can be rock-climbing (hauling your body up a cliff is definitely weight training!).

How do you find your fitness flow? Experiment!

Okay, okay, don’t roll your eyes! “Experiment” doesn’t mean signing up for a trapeze class and praying you won’t die (unless you actually think that sounds like fun). It means putting yourself out there and trying different stuff. If something seems vaguely appealing, give it a go. If you suffered through the entire experience, cross that one off your list and try something else.

Think big and little. Running is popular because it’s actually pretty easy to tap into a flow with the rhythm and the scenery breezing by you. But perhaps the focus of a LaCrosse game really jazzes you up. You’ll know you’ve tapped flow when you look up at the clock and the hour has flown by.

Go wild or mundane, it doesn’t matter. It’s your body. What appeals to you? Try it and decide if you want to keep doing it.

For me, flow is a combination of things, and it shifts over time. At the moment I’m digging running, hooping, and Pilates. Sometimes I need something a little more hardcore and I’ll go for Spinning or kettlebells. I do drift outside in the summer and inside in the winter, but the shoosh of my skis on a downhill slope is a glorious thing and I’ll let out a little girl giggle on my first run of the day.

Do you know what gets you into flow? Do you have a sport or fitness activity that you already do? What works for you? I’d love to hear your stories.

6 Reasons Why You’ll Never Succeed

July 20, 2011 by Guest Contributor

This guest post is by Tom Ewer of Leaving Work Behind.

It has probably crossed your mind on more than one occasion that it is much easier to spend money than to make it. Success and failure share the same relationship. It’s just so damn easy to fail. That is why “success” is coveted by many, but achieved by few.

You define your own success—it is an entirely subjective concept. If your idea of success is to start reading one blog post a day, then you’re probably feeling pretty good about yourself right now. However, for the purposes of this list, we will consider success to be achieving what I call your Endgame.

So, without further ado, this is what is holding you back.

1. You don’t try

This is the cold-blooded killer of success. If you’re applying yourself in entirely the wrong fashion, at least you are applying yourself in some way. If you simply don’t try, then you will never succeed.

A lot of people defeat themselves before they have even begun. There is a prevailing mindset amongst the majority that success is ultimately unachievable, as if those who are successful just got lucky. Fortunately for us, luck isn’t that prevalent—but neither is hard work or persistence—and that is why many people never get to where they want to be.

2. You’re not productive

You might think that you are, but you may be fooling yourself. Merriam-Webster defines productivity as being “effective in bringing about”. In the context of this article, productivity equals being effective in bringing about success. When you consider your actions, are they all truly geared towards your success? If not, then your productivity is not what it could be. Every time you start a task, you need to ask yourself if it is taking you one step closer to success.

3. You don’t know what you want

You may be able to tell me that you want a million dollars in your bank account, but you would be fooling yourself. You ultimately want to be successful (by your own definition) because you think it will make you happier. Money can facilitate happiness, but it does not in itself create happiness. You should be thinking about what makes you happy, not what you think makes you happy.

In order to generate long-lasting motivation, you need to truly know why you are trying so damned hard. And take it from me; it is not because you want a million dollars sitting in your bank account.

4. You give up too easily

There is one screamingly obvious reason why not all people achieve their desired level of success: a lack of patience. This has become even more prevalent in the internet age—if instant success doesn’t land in your lap then it clearly will never come.

Successfully negotiating the path to success requires an enormous amount of patience. In order to have sufficient reserves of this highly valuable quality, you need to know where you are going. Which leads us to…

5. You don’t know where you are going

You might have a clear definition of your planned success, but do you have any idea how to get there? Again, simply saying “I want a million dollars in my bank account and I am going to get there by being an awesome internet marketer” is not the true answer to the question.

Can you provide me with a step by step plan as to how you intend to achieve success? If not, then you do not know how to get there, and you will likely fail. You need a plan.

6. You work hard … and fail

Rarely is success so easily avoided than by endeavor being spread far and wide. Success requires a concentrated effort. If your efforts are diluted across various projects, or various obligations, your chances of success are greatly diminished. You can work yourself into the ground and achieve very little.

Before you consider anything else, you need to have a better understanding of what commitment you are prepared to invest in your success. It may not be easy at first to comprehend how much you will need to commit in order to reach your goal, but it will become clear in time. One thing is certain, if you commit 100% of what is required, but that 100% is divided over numerous projects, you are still likely to fail.

What else blocks the path to success?

Now it’s over to you. What do you think? I have given you six stumbling blocks that lie on the path to success. What others have you experienced?

Tom Ewer is the owner of Leaving Work Behind, a growing community of likeminded people with a unifying goal – to create scalable and sustainable online incomes. He aims to leave his career in property development just as soon as his online pursuits can support him. If you enjoyed this article, then be sure to sign up to Tom’s RSS feed.

Is Marriage Really That Difficult?

July 19, 2011 by Emma

Another celebrity marriage has bitten the dust this week, with the announcement of J.Lo and Marc Anthony’s split.

Headlines around the world are proclaiming the couple fell victim to the clichéd Seven-Year Itch, which scientists revealed a few years back to be nothing more than “we’re bored with our marriage.”

In further alarming statistics, there has been a spike in younger couples (under 30s) who aren’t even making it past the four-year mark in their marriages—the media last year coined the “three year glitch” for these attention-deficit couples who seemingly decide to splash out on a white wedding with all the trimmings, then up-and-leave when things don’t go their way.

If you’re not willing to compromise and you still have time on your side, there’s no compunction for Generation Y when it comes to divorce.

Certainly, our modern society has no stigma attached to divorce. So we have this new trend of practice marriages—”starter marriages”, which are a dry run for the real marriage that will come later in life.

Except it’s not a dry run. It’s the real thing.

You’d think the easier option for the warm-up would just be to move in together without signing the papers, pledging commitment, and making your family buy you expensive towel sets and fancy toasters.

But you have to ask yourself: is marriage really so difficult that you can’t last more than 36 months before contemplating divorce?

Are couples weighing up the pros and cons far too late? Shouldn’t you be sure before you walk down the aisle?

And once you have wed, shouldn’t you do everything in your power to try and make it work before divorcing? Is three years a long enough time to say you really gave it your best shot?

There are obvious exceptions—cheating, lying, abuse are all valid reasons to end a marriage.

But studies showing that couples are more annoyed by their partner’s weight gain and spending habits are what really get me. These aren’t marriage-dissolving issues, surely?

Author Christine Meinecke has hit the nail on the head with her book Everybody Marries the Wrong Person. Every marriage will move from infatuation to disenchantment, she says. And there is no “right person” out there. Marriage cannot succeed without mature love, which is self-responsible.

“Self-responsible spouses do not try to change their partners. Instead, they focus on managing their own insecurities and dark moods, expectations and reactions.”

What genius. Don’t blame someone else for your problems. Be self-aware and be prepared to self-improve. This will obviously work only if your spouse is willing to do the same.

Marriage is hard. I don’t think anyone goes into thinking it will be easy. And you only have a marriage just as long as you’re both willing to work at it. But that’s the point of marriage. That’s exactly what you’re committing to do—work at it, no matter what.

What do you think about three-year marriages? Are couples less willing to try and make it work these days?

FeelGooder Asks: What Inspires You?

July 15, 2011 by georgina

Inspiration can seem a flighty creature. Sometimes, we’re completely uninspired. Others, it can be hard to think of things that aren’t inspiring in some way. So I thought it’d be a good idea for us to note a few inspirations here, for the times when inspiration is lacking.

What inspires you?

Cheesemaking: my latest experiment

The thing that inspires me most is experimentation—trying out new stuff. That might be cutting up a log or traveling somewhere I’ve never been before … or anything in between. I just like to try things out.

For me, new experiences are inspirational because they reveal so much about the world, about things we don’t know and can’t imagine until we give them a shot.

There’s also something addictive about experimenting with life: failure can present a challenge, and a success can spur further experimentation. It’s a win-win. Of course, failure can also present us with our own bald-faced failure, but we can learn even from failed experiments. It’s hard to believe sometimes, but it’s true. And most are at least partially successful—even if that success lies exclusively in learning what not to do.

Experimentation inspires me. What inspires you?