Years ago, it used to be that you would get married before you moved in with your partner. Not so anymore, as people everywhere opt to “try before they buy” when it comes to living a deux.

Sure, it sounds like a sensible idea in theory—you know upfront if you’ll be compatible, not to mention the financial convenience of the arrangement—but studies have shown that it doesn’t always work that way in reality:

Psychology Today reports: “To help figure this out, let’s look at what research on living together might tell us. Well, most studies done from 1995 forward showed that couples that lived together before marriage had higher divorce rates as compared with couples that didn’t. Other findings included poorer mental and physical health, including depression, especially for women.

“One explanation for these findings is that the burden placed on women is not compensated for in a living together environment. Since women are known to do the lion’s share of housework, the thinking is that a woman would go from taking care of her own place to having to do the housework and other domestic errands in the two-person apartment or house that she shared with her boyfriend. All this extra work occurs without the benefit of the financial and emotional security that comes with the commitment of marriage.”

I moved in with a boyfriend once. We were both very excited about it—our new little apartment was fantastic. I was barely out of university, and finances were somewhat strained between my measly graduate salary and his fledgling business.

Things were a little tough. But then, they almost always are. The big mistake came when after only three months, he panicked and moved out. We broke up.

Then, when he was at a comfortable distance from me again (i.e. in a new house) he came asking if we could get back together.

The key here, in my opinion, is that we weren’t committed enough to making it work.

There are going to be potholes while you settle in to life together. I think it takes a good six months to iron out the kinks. If you’re not committed to making it through those obstacles, it’s all too easy to cut and run.

Let’s talk about how living together usually goes.

We aren’t always in the habit of talking seriously about moving in first. What is more common is that someone’s lease is up, or someone’s flatmate announces they’re moving overseas and there will be a forced change to the living situation. At this point, of course it makes sense to move in together. You’ve already been spending four nights a week together, someone is no doubt living out of the boot of their car and sick of it and not combining rent payments just seems crazy, right?

Decision made. The truck is hired and the co-habiting can commence.

First there’s the obligatory honeymoon phase: you rush home to cook dinner together and snuggle on the couch to watch movie marathons in your domestic bliss.

Then slowly, the glow fades and it’s all flannel pyjamas and wet tea bags on the sink. You argue about his ugly armchair, her stuffed toy collection, and whose turn it is to do the laundry.

It’s the harsh reality of living with another person, but with a little strategic foresight it doesn’t have to get out of hand. And: it does get better.

Learn to bend before you break

Battles over which way the toilet roll should hang and in what order the cutlery sits in the drawer aren’t massive, life-changing events.

Learn to adapt. Let the little things go so you can save your energy for the real arguments—like scrubbing the shower.

Have a proper discussion about finances

Sit down before you even move in together and come up with a solution for how you will manage your finances.

There is generally a spender and a saver in every relationship. Let the saver take charge of the finances. But the spender should also be very active in the planning and keep an eye on the books as well.

You may want to join your finances, or keep them separate and contribute to a shared pool. Either way, you need to work it out ahead of time to save the arguments—money is the biggest factor in most relationship arguments. For some handy tips on how to budget as a couple, take a look at this three-part series.

Get access the tools you need

Many couples have one thing they swear has been their “relationship saver”—dishwashers, a cleaner once a fortnight, a man cave. If you really are at a stalemate over a particular issue, think laterally to solve it.

Keep making an effort

I found when my now-husband and I moved in together (after we became engaged, as I had learned my lesson the first time) that we became an instant old, boring, married couple. It was suddenly waaay too easy to sit on the couch in our tracksuit pants every night watching mindless television. Dinners went from candlelight at the dining table to pasta in a bowl on our laps.

Keep making an effort with your partner at home. Schedule date nights, cook the occasional gourmet meal, and don’t change straight into your sloppy clothes as soon as you walk in the door.

A little effort goes a long way, and it is your spirit and attitude to living together that will get you through the hard times.

Any other words of wisdom from our readers when it comes to living together? What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned?

This guest post is by Dan Lippmann of danlippmann.com.

Does every squabble with your partner turn into a full fledged shouting match? Does your desire to vigorously defend yourself come second only to proving how wrong your partner is?

Her: “I thought you said you were going to take out the garbage.”
Him: “I am going to take it out. Just not now.”
Her: “But you’ll forget if you don’t do it right now.”
Him: “Stop bossing me around. I’ll do it when I’m good and ready.”
Her: “Which means never. And, then I’ll have to take it out in the morning. I’m so sick of cleaning up all the messes you leave behind.”
Him: “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Her: “You know exactly what it means. Maybe I’m just sick of you!”

Sound familiar?

So what do you do when all reason goes out the window, insults are flying, and you’ve backed each other into a corner?

Actually, there are several things you can do to restore the peace, but they all hinge on your willingness to do something “unnatural.”

I’m a counselor who spends a lot of time teaching couples how to communicate more effectively. The comment I hear most often when I introduce these strategies is, “This isn’t natural!” I tell couples, “You’re right. It’s not natural. But it’s worth practicing until it comes naturally.”

Would you rather be happy or right?

My client Joe described his wife as “hot-tempered and critical.” Whenever she accused him of something, he would vigorously defend himself and tell her she was completely wrong. She would then insist that she was right, and their fights would escalate into three-hour screaming matches that would jump from one subject to another.

I asked Joe what he thought would happen if, rather than defending himself and insisting she was wrong, he found a bit of truth in what she was saying and admitted some responsibility.

He said, “I could never do that! It’s not what a man does! Besides, I like being right.”

So I asked him, “Would you rather be right or happy?”

He decided to give the techniques a try, and we rehearsed some ways to respond to his wife’s accusations.

At the next session, Joe reported that a miracle had happened! His wife had accused him of never complimenting her, and instead of defending himself, he replied, “You’re right. I don’t compliment you enough. I’m going to do that more.” His wife was caught completely off guard and mumbled, “That’s great.” Joe marveled, “That was the end of the discussion. Normally we would have had a three-hour fight.”

The more Joe practiced not always having to be right, the more the relationship improved. Today he and his wife feel closer than ever.

How to prevent disagreements from escalating

The strategies below are likely to feel awkward and unnatural at first. It’s not easy to let go of defensive, knee-jerk responses. But if you persist, I guarantee you’ll have a happier, more loving relationship.

1. When your partner accuses you, look for some grain of truth in what they are saying – even if it’s miniscule. For example, “You’re right I do forget to take out the garbage sometimes.”
2. If you can’t find any truth at all in what the other person is saying, just say, “You might have a point there. Let me think about that.”
3. Even if you completely disagree with the other person’s accusations, you might still want to admit it just to preserve harmony. (This takes a lot of motivation and self-control!) You can always explore the issue at a later time when your partner is calmer.

If you want your partner to appreciate and love you more, then try being right less often!

I’d love to hear what happens when you try out these unnatural strategies. How did you partner react the first time they heard one of these new responses? Please let me know!

Dan Lippmann counsels clients from his two Chicago-area offices and is the creator of the Mood Switch Method, an easy to learn technique that breaks the painful cycle of negative emotions, such as anxiety, down moods and anger. Download his free eBook, Beyond EFT: 7 Steps to Banish Stress, Worry, Fear and Anxiety, and sign up for his weekly tips at www.danlippmann.com.

Fall is the perfect season for lovers. After all the beach weather and parties of summertime, Fall is a great segue into cooler months that mean cozy nights on the couch and comfort food cooked in your own kitchen.

To make the most of this visually spectacular, romantic time of year, here are four Fall date ideas for you to try.

1. Go apple picking

It’s harvest time for this crisp, ripe fruit! Find a nearby orchard where you can take out a basket and pick your own shiny apples.

Once the hard work is done, stop for a cider at the orchard (I guarantee they’ll have a café that makes the most of their wonderful produce there), then head home to bake apple pie from scratch. Don’t forget to pick up the vanilla ice cream on the way!

2. Have a picnic

It’s a shame to let all those leaves put on such a show if no one is around to appreciate it. Rug up, find some extra blankets to snuggle in, and head to a picnic spot among gorgeous trees.

Take mulled wine or hot chocolate in a thermos, some pumpkin pie and gourmet cheeses. Make some time to build piles of leaves and jump in them while you’re at it.

3. Enjoy football season

Football is back! Spend a night watching your local college team play while huddled in the bleachers under a blanket with some burgers and fries. Even if football isn’t your thing, pick a team and cheer hard. Getting into the sporting spirit is guaranteed to warm you up.

4. Scream!

Get into the Halloween spirit early with a classic horror movie marathon at home. Snuggle on the couch with popcorn and candy while you shiver at the likes of Hitchcock and Kubrick.

All that adrenalin may just get your heart racing … in more ways than one!

How do you like to spend cool Fall days with your sweetie?

Fatherless children have been getting a lot of bad press lately.

The British PM, David Cameron, blamed the London riots on a lack of solid male role models and has declared himself ready to “tackle fatherless children.”

In the increasingly-heated debate about same-sex marriage, the conservatives are holding up the same card, claiming children without fathers are much worse off.

This was most recently seen in the case of Australian Senator Penny Wong, who shared the happy news that she and her partner are expecting a baby, only to be met with vile comments from conservative religious groups about gay parents violating a baby’s “human rights” and saying that children “generally did best if raised by a mother and a father”—to mention a few.

Actually, they’re wrong.

A first-of-its-kind study from 2010 showed the exact opposite—two mothers equates to well-adjusted, better behaved, smart children. Sometimes moreso than in the traditional nuclear family model.

Regardless, words like those the above are not fair on single parents around the globe, who are doing their best to raise children on their own when there’s no option for a second parent to be involved.

I was raised by a single mother from the age of seven after my father died. I am not rioting in the streets. I am not suffering from behavioural issues and I was not a difficult teenager.

Children do not need fathers. Or mothers, for that matter. They need love. And the more of it they have, the better.

A family is what you make it.

My family was just us girls—my mother, my little sister, and me. We loved each other and looked out for each other.

My extended family—godparents, uncles, aunties, surrogate mothers, and fathers—all stepped in. I never felt alone. I never felt the need to rebel, and certainly never to set things on fire.

Rather than twist the research to serve prejudiced views, I think we can extrapolate a little further to say:

Children fare best when their parents take an active interest in their lives, when they feel supported, and are encouraged to flourish. It doesn’t matter who that comes from, so long as they are loved.

I’m always fascinated when I meet people who have reached their twentieth, thirtieth, or fiftieth wedding anniversaries (or longer!) and are still together. The first question I always blurt out is: What’s your secret?

I love the answers. No one has ever told me it’s easy. My own grandmother tells me that she and my Pa always had fun—that was their key. And it’s true. They were always laughing, pulling stupid pranks on each other, telling jokes, organizing costume parties, and so much more. They adored each other and they loved to laugh. I make it a point to keep playing in my relationship as much as possible.

On Valentine’s Day 2010, the world’s longest-married couple took to Twitter to share their wisdom and advice in bite-sized pieces for the younger generations, who were all invited to tweet questions.

Together 86 years, Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher (with the help of a technologically-savvy young thing somewhere) delivered their gems of marriage insight to the World Wide Web.

When you are more than 100 years old, I’d say you’ve seen nearly everything. They struck me with their calmness and certainty in what they have, and the sheer solidarity of what it takes to get through almost a century together.

When asked how they knew they were right for each other, they said: “We grew up together and were best friends before we married. A friend is for life—our marriage has lasted a lifetime.”

And when asked about the hard relationship times they said: “Remember marriage is not a contest—never keep a score.” They emphasise teamwork and a willingness to do what needs to be done.

These days, they enjoy sitting on their porch talking. After all these years they haven’t run out of things to say to each other.

What advice would you give to someone asking how to keep their relationship strong? What’s the best advice you’ve ever received from someone else? What do you do in your own relationships to make sure they survive the distance?

This post is by Eric Speir of www.ericspeir.com.

Have you ever noticed that the older you get the more time seems to fly? In fact, when you add children into the mix our time seems to spiral out of control. We are staying busier as families but one of the downsides to this is that we often lose quality time with our children. I’m reminded of a time of when I was in college when this thought was driven home into my life.

While in college I was required to take a class on marriage and family. To be honest, I can’t remember a word the professor said that semester except for one simple statement. He warned all of us, “If you don’t love on your children, then someone else will.” I’ve never forgotten that statement. It has stuck with me ever since.

As parents we need all the help that we can get. It’s easy to beat ourselves over the head because we cannot do more for our children. You cannot give your children everything so why not use what you have and quit living in regret? Living in regret does not accomplish much except for make us miserable and make us feel like failures as parents.

One of the best ways to be a good parent is by simply being there for your children. We have somehow bought into the idea that our children demand more “things” from us, but what they really need from us is our time! Someone once said, “Children spell love as t-i-m-e.

There is not much that we can do to change the pace of our lives, but what if we could use the time that we have more wisely? What are some practical things that we could do to make the best of our time with our children?

Here are some practical ideas to get you started:

1. Be home when you’re at home

When you are home with your family intentionally spend time with them and avoid multi-tasking with family and work.

2. Put your iphone or Blackberry on silent or leave it in your home office

As adults I think that we are too connected to our offices. My wife reminds me that a ringing phone is only an invitation! We don’t have to answer it every time that it rings.

3. Cut off the television and play a game with your children

The television has become the family babysitter of choice. The television is cheap and is always available.

4. Force yourself to keep eye contact with your spouse or children

When someone in your family is talking to you put down the newspaper, laptop or ipad and focus on what they are saying.

5. Have a family night every week

My family and I try to take every Thursday night as a family night. We eat dinner together as a family and we participate in an activity together. It could mean watching a DVD movie, playing a game, riding bikes together or anything that your family enjoys doing. If you can’t do it every week then start having one a month. Just start somewhere!

6. Take your children on “dates”

I have two girls at home and I try to take them on “Daddy Dates.” I might take one for breakfast and the other to get an ice cream cone. They don’t seem to care what we do as long as we are together. On these dates I get to spend some one-on-one time with them and I get to focus my attention on them. The good thing about these dates is that I get to teach my children what a “good” date looks like before they start dating. I don’t leave dating for chance!

7. Write them personal notes

Handwrite a little note and tell your spouse or child how much you love and appreciate them. Everyone likes to be encouraged and told how special they are. (This is free too!)

8. Buy them a small gift

You would be surprised what you can get for a dollar at the dollar store. Children enjoy small gifts and it really is the thought that counts!

9. Go dark on the weekends

Try going a whole weekend without getting on your laptop or checking your email. You will be surprised as to how much time you have.

10. Start making new family traditions

Try “Pancake Saturday”, “Movie Friday”, “Sunday Brunch”, or anything else that you would like to start. The reason that you remember family traditions is because they made good memories for you.

Remember, you don’t always have to spend money to make a memory! Many of the ideas on this list cost little to no money at all. Again, the whole point is that you find creative ways to spend quality time with your family.

What other ideas can you add to this list?

Eric Speir is a pastor, life coach, educator and blogger. He is passionate about leadership, coaching and writing. He likes to use biblical principles, coaching, practical wisdom and encouragement to help others to thrive in every area of their life. You can read more of his posts at www.ericspeir.com.

This guest post is by Janette Dolores of www.janettedolores.com.

The lazy days of summer aren’t lazy at all when you have young children at home. A heart-warming time of life, your young child may view you not only as his caregiver and source of goldfish-shaped cheese snacks, but as his agenda planner and playmate.

Most parents often travel to parks, playgrounds or pools during the summer, but let’s face it: sometimes you just want to hang out at home for the day. For those days, I entertain my little ones with creative and inexpensive activities in the yard.

Here are some warm weather ideas you may want to try at home with your little one(s):

1. A limbo contest. A mop handle works well for this activity. Play some fun limbo music—my kids like “Wipe Out” by the Beach Boys—and place the handle at age-appropriate heights. Ducking with the chin down to get under the bar is perfectly acceptable for younger contestants!  Run a search for “limbo music” on YouTube for further musical selections.
2. A yard egg hunt. Egg hunts are not just for Easter. Take plastic toy eggs, fill them with finger snacks, candy or coins for the piggy bank, and hide the eggs around the yard. Give the kids colorful wicker baskets with which to collect the eggs. You can hide the eggs several times in different locations and sit back as your children relish in finding each new hiding spot.
3. A yard picnic. Throw an outdoor blanket on the ground–preferably under a shady tree—and have lunch or an early dinner outdoors with finger food and juice boxes. It’s a perfect opportunity to bond as a family, chitchat and discuss the sights and sounds just outside your door.
4. A yard luau. Enjoy lunch or an early dinner outdoors with a luau theme that will be sure to keep your kids giggling and engaged. A luau can be as inexpensive as you want, depending on how intricate you make it. I go to our local party supply store and buy leis and floral headbands for under a dollar each, child mini hula skirts for around five dollars each and hibiscus-themed tableware for about $20. The musical entertainment comes free, courtesy of searching “luau music” or “Hawaiian music” on YouTube. Again, a Beach Boys tune—“Kokomo”—is a luau favorite in my household. Or, you can buy a luau music CD at your local party store.
5. Gardening. Kids do not see gardening as a chore at all. You can find sturdy kiddie gardening sets for under $15. Plant flowers for instant beauty or vegetables and herbs for a fall harvest, all with thrilled children in tow.
6. A portable sprinkler to run through. My kids enjoy the kiddie pool, but beam when I set up the portable sprinkler for them to run through. To make a game out of oscillating sprinklers, place several toys close to the sprinkler base and have each child take a turn collecting the toys before the sprinkler nozzles swing back in that child’s direction.
7. Exploring nature. With a compass, pair of child binoculars and a kiddie magnifying glass in hand, you can chart a course into the “wilderness” of your yard to study birds in flight or analyze leaf patterns and bugs. Have a basket handy to store your children’s finds. If your child is old enough, you may want to take along a dirt sifter to collect rocks of different shapes and colors.
8. Yard camping. Set up a play tent and pretend you’ve gone camping. We like to play tea time in ours. For added effect, I make S’mores indoors in the microwave for the kids to munch on outdoors in the tent. You can find outdoor play tents for under $30.
9. Watercolors. Large coloring books work best for outdoor watercolor painting. With pages measuring up to a foot and a half long, large coloring books give your little one plenty of room to paint with the thicker brushes young children use while developing their fine motor skills. Don’t forget the smocks and plastic cups filled with water to clean brushes during color changes!
10. Oldies but goodies. Some oldie but goodie outdoor fun may be familiar games to us parents, but completely new to our children depending on their ages. Games like hide-and-seek, I spy, hopscotch and tag are always a hit, with the added bonus of being free.

What warm weather activities do you enjoy in the outdoors of your home with your young children?

Janette Dolores is an at-home mom, wife and blogger. She is passionate about family, spirituality and writing, and draws inspiration for her writing from everyday experiences. Read more of her posts at www.janettedolores.com.

This post is by S. Srinivasan: philosopher, writer and thinker.

The search is on—search for eternal happiness, search for that elusive love, and search for something you don’t even know about.

Sometimes I feel that this search will never end and I will never arrive in life. Fortunately, these moments are few and far between—I am busy with my life otherwise. But we have to ask and question ourselves as to the real purpose of life. Is it simply living an uninteresting, vegetable-like life? Or is there a bigger, grander purpose?

I don’t believe that we are born to sell discount coupons, live our lives, and be snuffed out at some point. The conclusion I have reached is that we must live to achieve a higher purpose. The goal is to find the right balance.

Spirituality does not mean a hermit’s life

I often see people struggle to make a choice—as if it is either a life of a puritan or one of debauchery. It is either an orgy of sex or total abstinence. This is where we tend to get confused.

Why not think of life as a balancing act? You can be in the thick of things as well as remain aloof and untouched. Life will be fulfilled only if there is place for everything—love, sex, friendship, spirituality, and physical pleasures. We must not feel ashamed to enjoy life, nor should we wallow in self-pity. This is what I call a spiritual experience. There is actually no one choice you must make. You must take it as it comes, with joy and contentment and with gratitude. A hermit’s life is no better than a wasted one—it neither fulfills one’s own desires nor does it help anyone else attain happiness.

The journey is itself the destination

Discovering small  bits of happiness—catching the sparkle of morning sun on glittering waters of a  distant lake, watching the tender petals of a blooming rose—these are the fleeting moments of life which I hold in my heart. These moments occur while I sell my discount coupons. That sounds pedestrian, but it is true. I don’t want to look for these treasures in isolation. Rather, they take on a new meaning when they happen within the mundane stretch of life. We have to live, after all.

Why wait for that far destination when the journey itself is the purpose? Why rush through life just to get there? The “there” which we think about is only a mirage—it disappears once we get “there.” The search is endless. Now is the only truth—the only reality.  

When you understand this simple truth, you have actually arrived. This is your destination. Enjoy it. Live it up. Say your prayers if you think you need to, else keep your silence. Living the moment is the ultimate joy. The past is gone and the future lies beyond. The only truth is now. Let it happen.

S. Srinivasan is a philosopher, writer and thinker who likes to dwell on the other side of moon. He also writes about diets and weight loss programs that offer Savings code for Medifast diet and coupon deals for Nutrisystem.