How a Simple Hello Can Change the World

December 11, 2010 by

This post is by Bamboo Forest.

Have you ever been walking somewhere, when suddenly someone greeted you with a hello—and it made you feel really good?

I think we all have. That experience really underscores how powerful a simple hello can be in raising our spirits. When you say hello to others you’re acknowledging them, and people love being acknowledged.

With every person you pass and don’t say hello to, you’re potentially missing out on a great opportunity to make a difference in the world.

I make a point to say hello to people often—and not just to people I cross paths with in the street. For example, if I’m entering the subway and I see a maintenance worker cleaning, I’ll often stop and say, “Hi.” They probably don’t get said hello to that often by commuters, so I’m sure it brightens their day.

Looking for opportunities to say hello to people who probably don’t receive a greeting often is a great way to help them feel acknowledged and brighten their spirits.

The benefits are far reaching

All of us have challenging days where nothing seems to go right. These days can really put a damper on our spirit.

When you say hello to a stranger, there’s always a chance they’re having one of those days. A simple hello will not solve their problems, but it can certainly brighten their spirits which will be a positive for them in an otherwise challenging day.

And then, when those you’ve greeted continue with their day, they’re more likely to take with them a happier disposition. Your hello hasn’t only helped the one you’ve said hello to, but all people they’ll continue to interact with throughout their day.

You don’t have to say hello to everyone

Even though I make a point of saying “Hi” to strangers often, I don’t do it every time—and you shouldn’t expect yourself to! Sometimes you’re in a hurry, or sometimes someone else is in a hurry, or you simply intuit that they’d rather not be greeted. Other times it’s wiser for safety reasons not to draw attention to yourself.

But many times it’s a great thing to do for your fellow human being. Even if you just said hello 15% of the time you pass someone on the street, that would be a great benefit to many people. Through this simple action, you’d be improving the world.

Don’t underestimate the power a hello can have on your fellow human being. It costs you nothing, yet it brightens the spirits of others—and yourself. That’s quite the deal.

Bamboo Forest created an online timer that helps you get more work done with greater focus, commitment and ease. He’s also an email life coach, helping people work on something in their lives over the course of a month.

FeelGooder Asks: Who Did You Help This Week?

December 10, 2010 by

Another week has passed. Today, we want to know:

Who did you help this week? And how?

This week, I helped a friend of mine get motivated to get back into running. After an ankle injury, he was hesitant to go running again … until I told him this story about a friend of mine.

Some shoes you probably don't want to walk a mile in.

Recently, I went on a fundraising bike ride with some friends, one of whom is in the process of trying to lose weight through various lifestyle changes. After the 50km bike ride, I found that running became a lot easier for me. I’ve been running for ten years, but suddenly, I felt like superwoman! When I told my friend with the weight loss goals, he looked at me wryly, smiled, and said, “Well, obviously, you just weren’t pushing yourself hard enough.”

Touche. And too right. Who knew that a little extra effort could make such a big difference? Everyone but me, apparently.

When I told this story to my friend with the bad ankle, he laughed, but this week, he wrote to tell me it had inspired him to get out and go running—and he’d done 5km and felt great. This guy is pretty hard-core about the physical fitness, so I was ecstatic to think that I’d inspired him (through my laziness, no less!) to make the little extra effort that went a long way for him.

I don’t remember him saying he felt like superwoman, though.

It’s corny but true: helping people feels good! Who did you help this week, and how?

Volunteering: Why Helping Others Helps You Too

December 10, 2010 by

This post is by Ali Luke of Aliventures.

Does it ever seem like you’re lacking something in your life? Maybe you feel that everyone takes you for granted at work, or that you never have a chance to try anything new. Perhaps you’re in a bit of a rut and want to shake things up a bit. Or maybe you need to develop certain skills in order to go after a particular dream.

You don’t need to do anything as drastic as quitting your day job, going back to college or buying a round-the-world plane ticket. You can change your own life for the better—by helping other people.

The feel-good factor

Doing something nice for other people tends to make you feel good.

That’s not something to be a bit uncomfortable about—it’s just human nature. We’re hard-wired for altruism.

People become much happier after providing for others rather than themselves. The smallest gifts can quickly result in surprisingly large and long-lasting changes in happiness. A few pounds spent on other people may be one of the best investments you ever make.

—Professor Richard Wiseman, 59 Seconds: Think a little, Change a Lot

Next time you’re feeling a bit down or fed up, look for some way to do something in a voluntary capacity. That might be anything from helping a charity to get their website and Twitter feed set up, to helping out with a local children’s group.

Learning new skills

If you’re looking to change careers—or just learn something new for the fun of it—then volunteering could be a great way forwards. You won’t need to pay for classes: you can get practical, hands-on experience from day one.

This is particularly valuable if you’re trying to plug a gap in your resume. For instance, many jobs want you to have previous “office experience”—and there are plenty of charities and non-profits which would be more than happy to have you helping out in their office once or twice a week.

Volunteering can give you “hard” skills (specific expertise, such as knowing how to network computers) but also “soft” skills which employers particularly value (transferable skills like leadership and managing a team).

Finding meaning

Do you ever feel as though there’s not much point to what you’re doing? Perhaps you have a job that doesn’t really engage you, and the rest of your life seems to be taken up with chores and watching television.

Volunteering will give you a very obvious purpose. You’ll be able to see how just a couple of hours of your time can make a huge difference to other people. And, usually, you’ll find yourself in contact with lots of like-minded volunteers all working to make a difference in the world. It’s a great way to feel more optimistic about life!

Over the past few months, I’ve been giving my time and skills to various groups close to my heart. I’ve done things as varied as these:

  • I created a PowerPoint presentation for our church, telling them about the work done by a small charity we support. (I learnt how to do all sorts of useful things in PowerPoint that I’d not known about before.)
  • I wrote a booklet about the charity. (This was a bit outside my comfort zone as a writer, and definitely got me thinking hard about how to convey quite complex information in a succinct and engaging way.)
  • I helped with our church’s annual Holiday Club for five–twelve-year-olds. (I do this every year, and absolutely love it—a great week’s break from the usual blogging routine!)
  • I run a small stall to sell charity goods. (This has pushed me out of my introvert comfort-zone, and helped me see exactly how people make buying decisions—very useful for my own sales of ebooks and digital products.)

Of course, your particular skills and interests will be different from mine. But I know that you’ve got a lot which you could give, and that there are dozens of organizations which would love to have your help.

A couple of places to get started are:

If you’re already doing volunteer work, tell us in the comments what you love most about it.

Ali Luke blogs about writing and life over at Aliventures and has a free ebook called More For Your Money, about getting your best value from your hard-earned cash.

Productivity? It’s All In Your Head

December 9, 2010 by

This guest post is by Joshua Noerr, of joshuanoerr.com.

Perform a Google search for “Increased Productivity” and you will be bombarded with thousands of tools, tips, tricks, and applications that will all claim to help you get more done. They will claim that using them will give you back X amount of hours in your week, and that you will have more free time to do what you want to do.

But what happens when all of that free time is spent managing all of the various productivity tools? This is what I like to call “shiny object syndrome.” You use something for a while, it either doesn’t work at all or works only marginally well, then you bounce to the next shiny new tool. I am going to make a bold statement, but I am very sure of it’s validity. Here it is:

Any system designed to help you be more productive is fundamentally flawed if it does not address your mindset.

The problem with productivity tools really is not in the tools themselves, but the mindset of the person using them. If you can put into practice a solid set of governing principles in your mind, it will not matter what tool you use. With the proper mindset, you can be the most productive individual on the planet with nothing more than a pencil and paper.

The following three points will help you install this mental framework.

1. Do less.

People think “productivity” is cramming more activities and tasks into an already busy day. This is not being productive; this is being busy.

The first key to having a sound productivity framework in place is understanding the difference between being productive and being busy. Generally, busy work will take a given period of time, and the results of that work will only last a short while.

Productive work will generally take the same amount of time, yet produce results for a longer period of time once set in motion.

Do not mistake this concept with prioritization. All prioritization does is assign a level of importance to your to-do list. You still end up doing all of the same mundane tasks. What I am encouraging you to do is discern the value of your tasks. If it is a low to no value task, why are you doing it at all?

2. Do the thing you don’t want to do.

Now that you have assigned value to the things you are doing, it’s time to start doing them!

Most people will save those tasks that, while valuable, are not fun to do. Procrastination is really just a fear of doing things that need to be done, but really aren’t that fun to do. Just because a task is valuable, does not necessarily mean it is going to be the highlight of your day.

If you are having trouble figuring out what to do first, I suggest you look at your list of tasks and find the one on there you want to do the very least. Chances are, this is the one that you need to attack first. The good news is you will know that your day will only get better because you took care of something that you didn’t want to do right at the beginning.

3. Learn to say “no.”

If you’re like me, you like to make other people happy. This is a wonderful problem to have, but it can still be a problem nonetheless.

You have to learn to tell people “no” without ruining the relationship, which is not always easy.

My work history has run the gambit from non-profit organizations to corporate management, and I have found the same technique to work in any arena. It continues to work today in my own businesses, especially when I am working with partners on something.

If I have a list of tasks or projects on my plate, and someone wants to add to it, I simply ask, “Okay, which of these previous projects would you like me to delay so that I can add this new one?” Usually, the answer is, “None.” If they would like me to postpone one of them, I have still accomplished my goal, because I have not immediately added anything to my work load.

Pleasing people around you is fine, but remember: if they expect a certain level of excellence from you, they will not be pleased with anything less, and you shouldn’t be either. You have to say no at the appropriate times.

Productivity is an art

Perhaps you’ve heard the expression, “A good artist never blames her brushes.” You cannot blame the “productivity tools” at your disposal for not working if you have never installed the software in your brain to make them work. Which of these three give you the most trouble? Did I leave out anything important? I would love to hear from you.

Joshua Noerr is a former combat sports competitor turned blogger. His mission in life is to simply change the world. You can keep up with his progress by visiting his blog on personal development, or subscribing to his RSS feed.

Happiness is a Lit Candle

December 8, 2010 by

This post is by Alisa Bowman of ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com.

About a year ago, I was in a dark and dreary place. I was feeling bruised by the various publishers who’d rejected my book proposal, envious of authors who’d landed bigger deals than I had, angry at various people who didn’t seem to be supporting me in the way I would have liked, and fearful that readers would call my book worthless, boring or something much worse.

I was bathing myself in nearly every negative emotion a person could feel.

Then one night, while at my Buddhist meditation class, I began thinking about the concept of Karma and whether I really believed in it. As I mulled it all over in my mind, I had a very selfish thought. It was this: If I perform as many acts of good karma as I can during the next year, will it get my book on the bestseller list? I will admit that a creepy smile came across my face as I set out to create a Karma Bestseller.

I stopped killing bugs. I stopped gossiping—as backbiting goes against Buddhist beliefs. And every morning, I declared the following intention for my day: I will spread happiness.

I spread happiness by being kinder to my husband. I spread happiness by telling people how awesome they are. I spread happiness by mentoring any writer who asked for my advice, help or expertise.

I did it by giving money to people who seemed to need it. I did it by sending people sappy cards in the mail. I did it by listening to anyone’s problems. And I did it by comforting anyone who needed comfort.

One time, for instance, I listened as a young writer told me that she could not get over her fear of rejection. “I know I need to query magazine editors, but I don’t think I’m good enough of a writer yet,” she said. I told her that I would give her a $100 gift card if she were able to amass 100 story rejections within a month. “You can’t lose,” I told her. “Either you’ll get $100 or you’ll end up with more assignments than you can handle.”

By month’s end she had 30 rejections and five assignments. I gave her the gift card anyway.

Recently, several people questioned my sanity. They couldn’t understand, for instance, how I could devote an hour out of my day to mentoring a writer without charging that writer a fee. Some asked, “What’s in it for you?”

“There’s nothing in it for me,” I responded. “That’s the whole point. It wouldn’t be an act of good Karma if I expected something in return.”

And that’s when I realized that I no longer cared about my original goal. I was no longer trying to game the Karma system and use it to get my book on the bestseller list.

Let me be clear. I would not be disappointed if my book became a bestseller. I would not shed a tear if it sold a million copies. And I would not have a molecule of sadness anywhere inside of me if I were able to prove wrong all of the people who did not initially believe in me.

Still, this Karma Project of mine is no longer about the bestseller list or about my book at all. Now, the Karma Project is about one thing and one thing only: lighting candles.

Somewhere along the way I realized that joy does not come from money. It does not come from fame. It does not come from recognition. It does not come from awards. It does not come from seeing one’s name on a bestseller list. It doesn’t come from having an editor love one’s voice. It doesn’t come from getting oneself on prime time TV. It doesn’t come from 5 star Amazon reviews.

No, joy comes from doing good. It comes from knowing that you’ve touched so many people that, were you ever on your deathbed, those very people would hold lit candles and they would wish you health and happiness.

I am no longer in a dark and dreary place. These days—most of the time—I am happy, peaceful, and content. And whenever I do experience a moment of negativity, I think about those candles.

And then I set out to light more of them.

Alisa Bowman is the author of Project: Happily Ever After, which tells the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love. Find out how to enter the Fabulous PHEA Giveaway to win a Kindle, a stay at a B&B, marriage counseling, a vibrator and more with proof of purchase of Project: Happily Ever After. You can learn more about Project: Happily Ever After at ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com. Watch the trailer and get a sneak preview into the book.

How to Leverage Your Passions to Bypass the Entry-level Job

December 7, 2010 by

This post is by Kirsten, the polymath behind Multi-Passionate Productivity.

Image courtesy of http://gapingvoid.com/

When I arrived in Atlanta to start grad school, I had no job and no connections in the city. What I did have was a grad program that had offered me work study funding, a supremely eclectic background and an interest in several very specific fields within public health. Within two weeks I had applied for ten jobs, interviewed for a couple, and was selected for my top choice, despite what many would call the handicap of having multiple passions on my resume.

This is an essential skill for a multi-passionate person, since—let’s face it—even if you’re entrepreneurially inclined, it’s likely that you’ll find yourself working for someone else at some point during your life. Since this theme came up a few times in the comments on my last Feel Gooder post, I thought I’d take the opportunity to elaborate on exactly how us renaissance men and women can turn our passions into an asset in the job market.

Emphasize broad, transferable skills.

My future employer wanted someone with experience in GIS and quantitative research, which I didn’t really have. But he also wanted someone who could redesign his website, which I definitely could do—and not only could I do it, I’d taught myself the skills I needed to do so. That ability to teach myself and learn quickly was what I emphasized in my cover letter, along with my web skills and the little bit of modeling experience that I did have.

Your future employer probably isn’t going to care that you spent three years learning to create poison dart frog habitats at the zoo, but they’ll be interested to know how well you were able to teach the school groups that came through the exhibits. They also might want to know about the aesthetic skills you picked up in designing the habitats, your ability to find unusual items for the displays, and the organization and budgeting skills that it took for all the habitat pieces to arrive at the same time and to the same place.

Those are the skills you want to highlight on your resume and cover letter—and trust me, your future employer is not going to look at a poison dart frog habitat design position and immediately think, “Oh, he must be good at teaching, organization, and aesthetics!”

Establish your creativity and ability to learn.

Make sure that your resume and cover letter shine with creativity. Your future employer is going to value your ability to make connections and come up with innovative ideas, so make sure they’re on full display. If your passions include web design, consider building a website to showcase exactly who you are. Susan from www.susanhiresaboss.com has a brilliant example of this tactic.

Your self-display also needs to make clear your ability to learn. Your future employer doesn’t expect you to necessarily come to the job with all the skills you need, but they will expect you to learn quickly. Showcase past jobs where you’ve had to pick up new skills, or examples of times where you’ve taught yourself something new.

Find something related, and move toward your passion.

Okay, I’ll admit that it’s not likely you’ll be hired for a job designing poison dart frog habitats without some relevant background experience designing for other amphibians. But that doesn’t mean that all hope is lost! Start with a job at the zoo, perhaps as an intern teaching visitors about the exhibits. I can hear you now: “Isn’t that the definition of an entry-level job?” Well, sort of, but there are two key differences.

One, your entry level job as an intern gives you the opportunity to interact with the exhibit curators, maybe grab the opportunity to design an educational display or two, and generally learn all about and show your enthusiasm to people who may well be in a position to move you somewhere better suited to your passions. And two, your entry-level job is not permanent. You’ll be leveraging it to find something better suited within months. If you take an entry-level job as a ticket seller at the same zoo, you can bet you won’t have those sorts of opportunities for either learning or advancement.

In my case, I picked a position that would transition into what I was interested in learning about. I started by doing a month or so of web design work and now I’m working in the areas I initially wanted to learn about.

Be selective.

If you’re going to follow your passion, you don’t need to apply for every job you’re remotely qualified for. That’s just a recipe for wasted time and wasted passions. Start first by deciding which passions you want your job to focus on, then structure your searches through that lens. Apply for the positions you find the most interesting and that give you the greatest opportunities to grow and expand. Leave the rest for someone else.

Note that I’m assuming you have some income stream here. Clearly if you’re out of work you won’t be anywhere near as picky, though a lot of what I’ve said in this post can still apply to your situation. Also, take the job for what it is—an income source while you look for something else, not a job you’ll be working at for the rest of your life.

Customize your resume and cover letter.

This one’s a bit of a no-brainer, but nothing sounds as polished and genuine as the cover letter written specifically for your future employer. If you have a personal connection to your future employer, highlight it. Instead of taking a previously written letter and swapping out specific sentences, have a draft letter with bullet points that you build up each time you find a position that you’d love to fill. That way, the language will always be fresh and you’ll never have to worry about accidentally leaving references to Company X in your letter to Company Y. Your resume can be a boilerplate, but before you send it in, think about which of your skills and previous experiences are best suited for this position and move them to the top.

In my case, I’d spoken with a particular professor about six months before I applied to work in his research group. At the time, he recommended a class sequence which I subsequently signed up for, and I put that fact front and center in my cover letter. That was something I couldn’t have said for any other job I applied for in those few weeks, and it added an extra layer of customization to my cover letter.

Show your enthusiasm!

You’re interested in this job because you’re passionate about it, right? Let that show! Enthusiasm can carry you over the edge into a hire when your skills may or may not be up to par. Don’t be afraid to use words like love, passion, learn and opportunity. My enthusiasm has gotten me into jobs I really had no business filling.

I’ll be honest, my job now is pushing me in ways I didn’t anticipate. I’m having to rely heavily on my ability to learn quickly and make connections, and there are days where I wonder if I may finally have bitten off more than I can chew. On the whole, though, I’d much rather be struggling and learning in a job that I’m passionate about than sitting on the outside without a job, or with a job that I’ve mastered and grown bored with. My enthusiasm is still as strong as the day I sent in my cover letter, and my supervisor knows it.

So if you’re multi-passionate and looking to find a new job, take a look at your resume and cover letter writing habits in light of this post. If you’ve used any of these techniques (or others) in the past, I’d love for you to leave a comment and tell us about them. And of course, when you use these ideas to land yourself a job that you think is fascinating, come share your success!

Kirsten is the polymath behind Multi-Passionate Productivity, and she’s also a full time graduate student working with two research groups and running two and a half businesses in addition to MPP. Go here to check out her blog on productivity and organization for multi-passionate people, or join the crowd following the Interactive Novel project over at Written Insight.

7 Ways to Increase Personal Satisfaction in Your Adult Friendships

December 6, 2010 by

This guest post is by Tara E. Nusz , D.Ed., a school psychologist who blogs at Do These Kids Make Me Look Crazy?.

This morning my daughter told me that her best friend is a girl named Sarah. When I asked her why Sarah is her best friend, she answered, “Because we both have the same sneakers!”

I should probably mention that my daughter and her “best friend” are five years old.

image by lucasbite

They haven’t yet developed unrealistic expectations about interpersonal relationships. They’ve never defined themselves by whether their mother-in-law likes them, or how many positive reviews they’ve received from a supervisor, or whether all 306 of their Facebook friends acknowledged their birthday.

Once I exited my school years, I quickly realized that developing friendships as an adult is entirely different from fostering friendships in a high school or college setting.

As an adult, the opportunity to become acquainted with others is more limited. Sure, you might meet some interesting people in your work environment, but you’re also hampered by the need to meet deadlines, navigate professional alliances, and maintain professionalism.

Our interactions with others tend to be fraught with purpose; serving on the same committee at church, working together on a new project, or supervising a new employee.

And when we are lucky enough to form a friendship with another adult, sometimes it may feel as though this new relationship is not as emotionally satisfying as those from our childhood. Why is that? What can we do to increase our personal satisfaction with our adult friendships?

1. Recognize the positives in others and spend time with them in environments that allow them to shine.

Think of about some of your friends. What are some traits about them that you adore? My friend Rick tells hysterical stories at parties. Kathryn is a supportive friend, particularly when times are emotionally hard. Lisa is my only friend who will honestly tell me which clothes flatter my figure when we go shopping together.

Those are fantastic qualities. But expecting these positive traits to transcend environments and circumstances is unrealistic. While Rick may be a fantastic storyteller, he also tends to be a poor listener in a one-on-one conversation. So instead of being disappointed when I try to tell him about my rough week at work and he tunes me out, I stopped pouring my heart out to him.

Kathryn is very supportive, but tends to fade into the woodwork while in a group. Instead of being embarrassed by her lack of charisma when I attempt to introduce her to new friends, I try to set aside time for just the two of us.

Lisa is a fantastic shopping buddy, but her boisterous personality can be a little overwhelming when we spend more than two or three hours together. Therefore, we continue to enjoy shopping, but I decided not to invite her on an annual camping trip.

It’s not fair to expect all friends to be appealing in all circumstances. You’ll both just walk away disappointed. Instead, take time to notice the types of situations in which you most enjoy spending time with that friend, and plan accordingly.

2. Recognize that not every friendship is necessarily for the long term.

When I was completing my internship in school psychology, I quickly bonded with another intern who was sharing the same supervisor. Our supervisor was somewhat limited in his ability to mentor us, so we spent an inordinate amount of time searching for answers to our most pressing questions, critiquing each others’ work, and most importantly, venting about the day-to-day emotional burdens that result from working in the mental health field. Honestly, I’m not sure I would be the school psychologist I am today without her wisdom, quick wit, and calm demeanor.

But once our internships concluded, our friendship waned. Not from ill will or a lack of appreciation for one another. It was just time for us to move onto the next chapter of our lives, and finding time for one another in our busy schedules became less of a priority.

It’s important to recognize that friendships come and go based on our specific social or emotional needs at a particular point in our life. Consider these friendships to be blessings, albeit temporary, rather than relationship failures.

3. Establish equilibrium between give and take.

There have been numerous evenings during which I’ve sat with the phone pressed against my ear, listening to a friend pontificate about their latest woe. Maybe their job is stressful, their most recent love interest is unworthy, or their finances are in dire straights . . . again. While true friends don’t jump ship at the first sign of trouble, it’s also important to be choose friends who are contributing something to the relationship.

Situational stressors aside, does the friend on the other end of the phone ever ask how you are doing? Does he/she listen when you answer? Do they follow up with questions or comments about topics in which you’ve expressed an interest? If not, it may be time to invest in a friendship that is also emotionally satisfying for you.

4. Avoid drama.

All of us have had that friend . . . the dramatic one. The one who always seems to cause chaos in the group. The one who requires more attention than the others. The one who is quick to get angry/show jealousy/be competitive. The one who always makes you feel a bit stressed, rather than pleased, to see him or her.

If you find that you have a friend who makes you feel exhausted rather than animated, you may want to consider whether you have the time and emotional energy to exert on such a friendship. Your adult lifestyle, with its added demands of career and family, may not be conducive to maintaining a friendship that is fraught with turmoil. You may find yourself to be more content to spend time with friends who relieve your stress, rather than contribute to it.

5. Set boundaries.

Now that I have a spouse and children, the time I spend with my friends is even more treasured. It’s an escape; time to converse with a grown-up, time to eat without having to cut up a little person’s meat, time to speak frankly without the presence of an impressionable youth. But ultimately, the vast amount of my physical and emotional energy extends to my family. And as much as I love my friends, they are not members of my family. They shouldn’t expect me to drop everything to have a lengthy chat about mundane events, drive across town and show up unannounced for dinner, or weigh in on family matters.

It’s important to make time for your friends; after all, to have a friend you must be a friend. But consider setting boundaries; let a call go to voice mail if you’re busy with a family activity, make a point to extend invitations only to appropriate events, and restrain yourself from discussing topics which might encourage him/her to offer their unsolicited advice. Friendship is something that should enhance your life, not burden that of your family’s.

6. Recognize that your spouse doesn’t have to like your friends.

I have a friend who is funny, loving, boisterous, and harbors a complete lack of inhibitions. She’s the reason for which the phrase “too much information” was coined. I laugh harder with her than I do with nearly anyone else. But my husband finds her voice grating and her jokes tasteless. While this used to cause me no end of angst (how could the love of my life not appreciate such a loyal and vibrant personality?), I’ve come to accept the reality that it’s unlikely that my spouse is always going to appreciate the same qualities in a friend that I do.

Solution: we leave the dud, I mean, dad, at home and make time to get together at our favorite restaurant once a month. We get to share a bottle of wine and laugh without regard for others and he’s content to have the house to himself for the evening. Win-win.

7. Allow your friends to meet a need your spouse or family cannot.

Prior to the birth of my first child, I met another expectant parent while sitting in the waiting room at our doctor’s office. Our friendship quickly blossomed due to our common condition and we spent hours mulling over baby products, perusing baby name books, and comparing notes about pediatricians. She was a fantastic outlet for all of my baby-related obsessions. I suspect that without her, my husband would have been driven insane by my new-parent fretting. To this day, we both tend to gravitate toward one another whenever our children are about to conquer a new milestone.

Recognizing the importance of developing friendships that meet a particular emotional need is extremely valuable, particularly when your spouse or family members are unable to meet that need. For example, you may have a friend who motivates you to train for a marathon, accompanies you to your favorite horror films, or attends a self-improvement group. It’s important to value yourself enough to find a way to meet your needs, rather than overlooking them due to your partner’s inability to empathize or share a common interest.

I’d love to hear about your overall satisfaction with your adult relationships . . . what makes them work? How do they differ from friendships from your childhood?

Tara E. Nusz , D.Ed., is a school psychologist who works in a public school outside of Charlotte, NC. She also blogs at Do These Kids Make Me Look Crazy?. Although Tara has to be very serious-minded at work, her blog completely disregards this in favor of “finding the funny” in her roles as mother, wife, and friend.

Embrace Your People and Live Well

December 5, 2010 by

Lisa Johnson is a fitness blogger at LisaJohnsonFitness.com

When I was little I wanted to live in a Coca-Cola commercial.  Everyone was thin, healthy, beautiful, active, and loved each other. Those 30 seconds of Utopia are unattainable of course, but is there a way we can live, happy with who we are, and feeling loved and supported by the people around us?

Embrace your people

Those lovely souls who share your home, your work space, and your neighborhood.  These are your people and they would love to help you out.  Talk to them about living better: eating well and moving well.  Have a heart-to-heart with those you trust to help you eat better and move more.

Eating well

Everyone needs to buy in here and it is probably the hardest part about transitioning to a healthier lifestyle.  Your spouse might really like the greasy-burger-and-white-bread life.  Talk to everyone about making better choices and why you’re doing it.  It’s not just for you, it’s for them too.  Get ready! They’ll all nod in agreement when you start, but then they’ll resist when they don’t get their usual fare.  I have seen this a zillion times with my clients!  Start small and kinda sneak stuff in.  Here are some ideas …

  • Buy lower fat or skim milk and keep the cap from the old bottle and switch it.  (My Mom did this to me and I never noticed, she had to tell me.)
  • Buy whole wheat bread instead of white and they’ll barely register the difference.
  • Cut meat up and mix it in with the veggies and they won’t realize you’re giving them smaller portion sizes of protein.
  • Switch to olive oil and canola oil when cooking and they’ll never notice you ditched the butter or less healthy oils.
  • Make the portion sizes of the veggies gradually larger, and make sure they are fresh and tasty (think: lots of herbs).
  • If you make a big Sunday breakfast make the pancakes smaller (I use 1/3 cup measuring cup) for each pancake and put out lots of fruits.  They’ll pick at the strawberries and oranges and not realize their pancakes are smaller.  (I also use white whole wheat flour so it’s healthier and no one ever noticed I did that either.)

Moving well

Get excited about something and make it infectious!  Talk to your friend about the cool new Zumba class you found and why you should go and check it out together.  Tell your stressed out coworker about a awesome Yoga class after work, and how you both should go next week.  Joke about how your newfound Zen will help you with your cranky boss.  Tell your family how incredibly cool it feels to kayak down a river and you found a place where you can rent one.  Don’t even mention that this stuff is healthy, just mention how exciting it is and they’ll be caught up in the fun with you.  With luck, you’ll find an activity you like and have people to go with you.

Realize that your health is woven into your life

Our health is pervasive: it never leaves us, and it affects our decisions throughout the day.  Too tired to get up to have breakfast at home? You grab and go at the donut shop.  Decide to work late to get one more thing done? You’ll have to skip your planned workout.  Meet friends for a decadent lunch? Why not try a walk around a nearby pond together instead?

We choose our path a thousand times a day.  We need to remember that the immediate ease sets us up for more stress and struggle later.  Just as bad, our poor choices negatively affect those around us.  What do you want to pass onto your loved ones? Evaluate your choices and see how can you improve in small ways.  These add up in no time, and you’ll be healthier.

Group hug!

It’s so easy to throw in a platitude here, “no man’s an island” or “it takes a village.”  But, this is really just a series of simple choices.  Choose to live a little bit better, moment to moment, choice by choice, and you’ll wind up miles ahead.  You’ll even get to live in that Coca-Cola Utopia—at least every once in a while!

The Evolution of Love

December 4, 2010 by

This post is by Jane Sheeba of Find All Answers.

Love dwells everywhere. It is the cause and the purpose of why we came to life and why we are living. Love is something universal. Right from the day we are born (even before it actually) till the day we die, love spreads throughout our lives.

Although love is universal, it takes different forms during different stages of our lives. Or to be precise, our perspective on love changes as we evolve. As we live our lives and experience different things, the way we give and experience love also changes. Since relationships are built on love, they too take different forms as we evolve.

The new-born love

The very first form of love we experience is as a child, yet we don’t give much love even to our parents, because we don’t know yet how to give love. Probably, all we know is to get fed, sleep, and poop. At this stage, however, every touch matters. Love is conveyed to the baby through the touch of the mother, and—who knows?—maybe the way the baby touches the mother could also be a form of love. For the first three months the baby doesn’t recognize faces. After that the baby smiles back at the mother (at least in the first place) and reciprocates the touch and other caring moves.

At this stage of life, love is communicated not only through touches but also through the natural blood bond between the parent and the child.

The child love

When the baby becomes a child who gets to know things, there comes a little difference in the nature of love. The child’s understanding of love is improved a little bit: s/he recognizes the parents by face, and now knows who will protect him or her. The child may or may not be obedient; this doesn’t directly relate to love.

The teen love

Here occurs a rather big jump. Love at this stage branches out beyond parents to take in friends and society. Friends, to many teens, are gods, and they think love is easily understood, shared, and reciprocated only among people of their age. They begin to feel the generation gap, which was likely quite negligible until now. Some distance and separation appears between the teen and the parents. This is natural—it’s nothing to worry about.

Of course, more than 70% of teens translate love to sex. There is nothing wrong with this, since sex is nothing but ‘making love’—something that helps humans to express love. So sex can be translated to love, but lust can’t.

The wedded love

When the teen finds Mr. or Mrs. right, life moves on, and the teen decides to start a new family. Now most of the love is shared between the couple, and hence parents get a very small share. The husband and wife do things to please each other, and make sacrifices. Love dwells in the very fact that they have become a family and they live, earn, save, and do everything for the well being of their family.

The parent love

The individual now sits where their own parents sat: now they know how hard it is to bring up a child. It needs sacrifices, pain, extra work, added commitment, endurance, and many more things. The parent spends sleepless nights, answers their kids’ crazy questions, teaches them lessons, makes them learn the good and the bad, stands beside them, sacrifices some of their own comfort and happiness for that of the children, and so on. Even though all these tasks are tiresome, the parent experiences an inner joy that cannot be explained.

Now the parent gives a different type of love back to their own parents, since they know how much their parents would have gone through to bring them up!

The grandparent love

The individual’s heart is probably full at this stage. After they have given so much love to others in life, they now begin to expect some love and care; that’s quite fair. Some get it, while others don’t. The person’s perspective on love becomes so mature that their joy not only depends on the amount of love they experience, but on the love their loved ones experience.

Which stage are you at now? Has your perspective on love changed or evolved as you’ve grown? What does love mean to you right now? Have I missed any stages? Please add your thoughts in the comments!

Jane Sheeba, a relationship expert, is the one behind Find All Answers. She can pump ideas out of her head to help you with issues on self-improvement, relationships and blogging tips. She has a free ebook for you to grab.

FeelGooder Asks: What Have You Learned this Week?

December 3, 2010 by

Welcome to our first FeelGooder discussion. At the end of every week, we’ll post a question here specifically for discussion with you.

Today, we’re asking this question:

What’s one thing you’ve learned this week?

To get the ball rolling, let me volunteer something I’ve learned this week. I’ve learned that I love doing things that have a lasting, tangible result. I know what you’re thinking: “Oh, like volunteering for charity or working for a cause.”

No. I’m talking about hobbies. I’m talking about learning to use a chainsaw. Let me explain.

Yes! I cut this up!

As a writer—and a digital writer at that—practically everything I output is intangible and transient. Each thing I produce spends a few brief days on the homepage of a site before it’s gone. Even personal writing projects are digital, not “real”—they’re stored electronically. My work is intangible.

But over the last year I’ve been learning (by necessity) to use a chainsaw. Some bad weather this week saw me chopping up a tree that had fallen across my road with a swiftness and precision I’d never hoped—let alone expected—to achieve. In the beginning, a tree blocked the road. About an hour later, I had a nice wall of firewood stacked in the shed.

The satisfaction this brought me was surprising. Here was something I had done. Every time I look out the window and see that wood, I feel a surge of accomplishment: I can see what I did. It’s a small thing—a simple thing—but it makes me feel good.

Having learned how satisfying I find doing things that have a lasting, tangible outcome, I’m now considering pursuing other interests that produce concrete physical results. I didn’t realise how much that mattered to me until now.

That’s it for me. What have you learned this week?

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