This guest post is by Tara Egan, D.Ed., a school psychologist who blogs at Do These Kids Make Me Look Crazy?

Back in August, my daughter started kindergarten. Despite the fact that I’ve always worked three days per week and my children (ages 3 and 5) have been enrolled in a highly structured daycare program, it was a huge adjustment for our family.

Because I’m a school psychologist, I always feel some additional pressure to have well-adjusted, well-behaved children. I suspect that parents and teachers are less likely to adhere to advice from a psychologist whose children are chronically naughty, demonstrate few school-readiness skills, or fail to complete home assignments on time.

Naughty? Or tired?

Image is author's own

During the first two months of kindergarten, my normally energetic and cheerful daughter was . . . irritable. She bickered with her brother, was sulky during meals, and cried easily. Upon careful reflection, I came to the conclusion that my girl was physically and emotionally exhausted from the demands of kindergarten. Getting up early for five days in a row, navigating the social expectations of her peers, and balancing the demands of each of her teachers was taxing.

Because I’ve always felt it was important to prevent behavioral problems rather than to react to behavioral problems, I made some minor changes in our home. I found that she greatly benefited from:

• Going to bed much earlier. Prior to kindergarten, she typically went to bed by 8pm and needed no prompting to start her day by 7am. I quickly learned that her attitude and stamina were greatly enhanced by putting her to bed by 7:15 pm at the latest. This meant adjusting other aspects of our day, such as dinner time and bath time.
• Spending 20-30 minutes of ‘alone time’ in her bedroom after a busy school day. At first she balked at this, but eventually she adjusted to, and even enjoyed, spending some quiet time coloring or playing with her dolls. After exiting her room, she was typically more cheerful and responsive to adult direction.
• Having advance notice about schedule changes. For example, each day the students have a different “special area” class to attend: physical education, art, Spanish, library, computers, or music. In addition, on Thursdays she has dance class after school. Each evening we discuss the next day’s events, make sure we have the appropriate materials (e.g., her library book) and she has a chance to ask questions or express concerns.
• Acknowledging that she sometimes misses her preschool days. Days in which she spent time engaging in relaxing activities, such as playing at the park, watching a favorite television show, or playing dress-up with her brother. She also expressed envy that her little brother got to spend entire days home with me. In response, I made a point to spend 1:1 time with her each week, unencumbered by school tasks or sibling rivalry.

Be a good role model

Starting kindergarten was a big milestone for both all us. I graduated from being the mother of a preschooler to the mother of a school-aged child. She entered a world where her parent’s rules and routines no longer dominated. I fretted about her social and emotional adjustment, her physical safety (getting lost, specifically), and her academic readiness.

I suspect that my anxiety rubbed off on her. While I am an educator who thinks highly of public education and have never, in all my years of working in elementary schools, learned of an incident where a kindergartner has been lost or mistreated, I still worried about my girl. I hated that she was going to be spending more time with strangers than with me, her loving parent. And although I only recall speaking positively of school in the most chipper of tones, the fact that I called fifteen of my neighbors to find out if any of her neighborhood friends were in her class and obsessively shopped for her school uniform probably tipped her off that I was experiencing some emotional ambiguity.

I’ve since learned to be mindful of my words, my actions, and my overall demeanor. I’ve learned that if I’m calm and positive, she is much more likely to be calm and positive.

Be prepared

Once school starts, parents are immediately burdened with a plethora of papers to be read, permission forms to be signed, school-fundraisers in which to participate, and homework assignments to be completed.

No matter how bright your child, she/he will need assistance with homework assignments.

Plan to spend some time every evening focusing on your child’s school demands. Set this time aside, because there will be long-term benefits to your child observing you taking their academic career seriously. This is your opportunity to teach them to prioritize school above social engagements, extra-curricular activities, and the lure of television. Spending time each evening addressing these demands will decrease responsibilities on a hectic weekday morning. Your child is much more likely to have a positive day at school if he/she starts it off calm and prepared. This will also benefit you later, when your child is old enough to take over some of the more mundane tasks.

In addition, your child’s teacher will recognize and appreciate your efforts and respond to your questions and concerns (and overlooked permission forms) with enhanced patience and compassion.

Support the teacher

As a school psychologist, I’ve found that on occasion parents fail to view the parent-teacher relationship as an alliance. A child coming home with a ‘sad face’ on their daily sheet suggests that the teacher’s rules are too harsh, rather than a sign that their child may require extra behavior reinforcement at home. A child complaining that a teacher is ‘boring’ may be a reaction to the increasing demands that a child remain in his/her seat, rather than to an unimaginative teaching style.

While there are always exceptions, I’ve found that most teachers are well-versed in developmental milestones, have realistic expectations for student behavior, and are appreciative of respectful communication between home and school. Also, it’s important to remember that while you are an expert on the needs of your particular child, the teacher has the opportunity to get to know your child relative to the other kindergarteners.

If he/she expresses a concern or makes a point to provide effusive praise, it’s likely due to the fact that the vast majority of the other students in her classroom are not exhibiting that particular behavior. Take advantage of the teacher’s perspective when it comes to supporting your child’s performance in school.

And even if you have doubts about a teacher to the point where you feel it’s necessary to express them to the teacher or to an administrator, it may be wise to leave your child out of the discussion. The bottom line is, she/he is your child’s teacher and must be treated respectfully. Sending your child the message that he/she does not have to adhere to an adult’s expectations is not likely to have positive results, either in the short-term or the long-term.

Encourage an age-appropriate amount of independence

Prior to entering school, it may have been appropriate to assist your child in completing tasks such as buttoning their pants after using the bathroom, opening a yogurt container, or packing up the necessary materials before an outing. But as the school year progresses, encourage your child to be more independent. Make sure that you are encouraging her to sharpen her own pencils, tie her shoes, and place essentials items in her backpack.

In addition, insist that your child use more advanced social skills: making eye contact when speaking to an adult, telling a waiter what he prefers to eat at a restaurant, and complimenting others. It may be helpful to practice these skills via role plays in order to increase your child’s competence. The more independence your child displays with regard to daily life skills and age-appropriate social skills, the more comfortable he/she is going to feel in the school environment.

I’d love to hear from parents out there whose family is experiencing the excitement of enrolling a child in kindergarten. I realize that many readers are from different parts of the world—some may be mid-way through the school year, while others are easing their way into a new school year. What tips can you share?

Tara E. Nusz , D.Ed., is a school psychologist who works in a public school outside of Charlotte, NC. She also blogs at Do These Kids Make Me Look Crazy?. Although Tara has to be very serious-minded at work, her blog completely disregards this in favor of “finding the funny” in her roles as mother, wife, and friend.

Today I want to share with you a favorite video clip of mine.

It’s from a TED conference held a few years back. It features Dr. Helen Fisher, who is doing some of the most important work in the world right now on romantic love. I could tell you all about it right now, but of course no one can explain it quite the way she can. So I’m going to leave it to her.

I met with Dr. Fisher when I was in New York last year and was utterly charmed by her as I conducted my interview.

She talks about what happens when she puts people who are in love into a brain-scanning machine, and what happens when they are in love and when they’ve just been dumped. She talks about how love is not an emotion like we may always have suspected it was—instead, she says it’s a drive, and a powerful one at that. As Dr. Fisher says in the video: “People live for love, they kill for love, they die for love.”

The video is about half an hour long but it’s fascinating. Grab a coffee and enjoy…

Why We Love, Why We Cheat

…and let us know your thoughts on Dr. Fisher’s points once you’re done!

I bet you didn’t even know you had a Love Map in you. Guess what? You do!

According to influential couples’ therapist Dr. John Gottman, your Love Map is the part of your brain where you store information about your partner’s dreams, goals, joys, fears, likes, dislikes, frustrations, and worries.

Things like your husband’s favorite TV show or your wife’s favorite leisure activities are significant “points” on your internal map.

Some people’s maps may be more built up than others. It really depends on how much you pay attention to your partner. Later on in this article, I’ll give you an easy way to test your love map, and an easy way to start building it up.

Thorough love maps are important, though. They strengthen relationships.

Couples with comprehensive love maps stay aware of their partner’s changing needs. They constantly seek updates on what the other person is doing, feeling, and thinking.

Being understood in this way is a gift each partner gives the other, bringing great happiness and satisfaction. It also leaves couples better prepared to cope with stresses on their relationship.

For example, in one study Gottman interviewed couples around the time of the birth of their first child. For 67% of couples this stressful event was accompanied by a significant drop in marital satisfaction.

But the other 33% didn’t feel a drop in satisfaction; in fact many felt their marriages had gotten stronger. The difference was the completeness of the couples’ love maps. “The couples whose marriages thrived after the birth had detailed love maps from the get-go,” says Gottman. “These love maps protected their marriages in the wake of this dramatic upheaval.”

The point is also that couples’ goals, dreams and priorities change over time. If couples can make a continued effort to update their love maps of each other, they stand a much better chance of making it through the hard times together.

Getting to know your partner

Set up a lighthearted quiz for you and your partner both to take about each other. You’re to answer questions about your partner’s preferences

Rather than getting angry that your sweetie was unaware of your favorite magazine, or social security number, it presents an opportunity for the two of you to bond further and get to know each other better.

My poor husband—I change my mind and my preferences at breakneck speed! My favorite color, food, beverage, and more could be completely different from one day to the next, depending on my mood. I still give him points if he guesses something that I used to like (last week) instead of something I currently like.

Luckily for me, he’s quite the creature of habit … like a slow-moving glacier. I’m pretty confident that what he likes now will not change by Friday.

That said, I’m conscious that to keep our maps updated, we need to keep communicating on a deeper level than just “Can you hang out the washing?” and “Have you seen my socks anywhere?”

How to play

This is a great activity for your next low-key date night. Over dinner, breakfast, coffee, or baking, see how well you know each other and perhaps learn something new about your partner.

Start by drafting 20 questions across the different love map categories that you can quiz each other on. To be fair, pick ten questions each.

Don’t get upset if your partner doesn’t know the answer. Use it as an opportunity to get to know each other a little better. It can be as trivial as your favorite brand of toothpaste or as deep as your darkest nightmare.

Here are the primary categories and some example questions you might like to ask:

Family: Who is my favorite relative? What was one of my best childhood experiences? My worst?

Friends: Name my two best friends. Name one of my major rivals/enemies. How did I meet my best friends? Who is my greatest source of support (besides you)?

Work: What is my dream job? What is one of my major career goals? What part of my job do I hate? Which of my colleagues do I like?

Hobbies: What is one of my favorite weekend activities? How do I let off steam? What’s my favorite sport?

Dreams: What are two of my aspirations, hopes, wishes? Do I have a secret ambition? What is it? What is my fondest unrealized dream? What do I fantasize about?

Favorites: What is my favorite book, movie, TV show, colour, flower, turn on? Which side of the bed do I prefer? What’s my favorite season? Where’s my favorite holiday destination?

Feelings: What medical problems do I worry about? What is one of my favorite ways to be soothed? What am I most sad about? What are some of the important events coming up in my life? How do I feel about them?

And so on.

Using the information

As you gather and store all these small details about your partner onto your love map, you can use the information to surprise and delight your sweetie in small ways.

For instance, a while ago my husband Den found out what one of my favorite comfort foods was from my childhood. He secretly contacted my mother for the recipe, went shopping for the ingredients and we made it together one night here at home.

You could buy your partner a bunch of their favorite flowers, pick up a copy of their favorite magazine, or take them to their favorite restaurant for dinner. If your partner has always dreamed of writing a novel, or learning French, enroll them in a short course to help them realize their dreams.

The best part

All this will make you feel closer to your partner and your unexpected gifts will be a wonderful way to show you appreciate them, love them and that you’re thinking of them.

How detailed is your Love Map for your partner? Do you know them as well as you think you do?

This guest post is by Ali Luke of Aliventures.

You’ve probably come across the Golden Rule before (even if you’ve not heard it called that). It’s often written as:

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

It’s found in Christianity, but also in many other religions and ethical systems. Most of us would agree that it’s a good rule to live by. You should treat other people in the same way that you’d want them to treat you.

The problem is, it’s not enough.

We’re not all the same

What you like is probably a bit different to what I like.

There are some things we can agree on (I hope!) We could say that:

• Neither of us like being hurt, mocked or made fun of.
• We both like people to treat us kindly and compassionately when we’re upset.
• We both want to be dealt with fairly.

…and so on. The Golden Rule works just fine for all of these.

But problems arise when we don’t agree. For instance:

• Maybe you love it when friends drop round unexpectedly, but I prefer to be forewarned!
• Maybe you couldn’t care less about receiving flowers, but I love them.
• Maybe you enjoy beer, but I can’t stand it.

In these situations, while I might appreciate your intentions, I’d probably rather you didn’t treat me in the way you’d like to be treated.

I’d much rather you treated me how I like to be treated.

Because we live inside our own heads, we often assume that other people think the same and feel the same as we do. Pace and Kyeli from The Connection Revolution do a great job of describing this in their book, The Usual Error, explaining:

We assume that others’ boundaries are the same as ours. We assume that others’ communication styles and personality types are the same as ours. … We assume that others’ bodies have the same physical limitations and thresholds as ours. We assume all kinds of things about other people all the time.

—from Chapter 1 of The Usual Error

It’s not bad that we think this way. It’s just something to be aware of, particularly if you’re struggling in your relationships with other people. Perhaps, instead of treating them just how you would like to be treated, you might need to ask what they would like.

How to figure out what other people want

So how do you know how someone wants to be treated? You could simply ask them, though not everyone is good at putting into words what they want and need.

You could also:

• Look at how they behave towards you. Generally, they’re probably acting in the same sort of way that they’d want you to act towards them.
• Pay attention to what they respond well to. Perhaps your friend Joe is really touched when you give him a present, for instance, but your friend Sue isn’t bothered about gifts and instead really values you spending time with her.
• Notice the times when you get it wrong. Maybe your sister reacts badly when you drop round unexpectedly, or your dad seems annoyed when you correct a grammatical mistake in his email. You might want people do to these things for you, but that doesn’t mean that everyone else feels the same way.

When has the Golden Rule let you down—and what could you do differently next time?

Ali Luke blogs about writing and the writing life over at Aliventures – you can grab the RSS feed here.