This post is by Jade of jadecraven.com.

Not so long ago, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It took a couple of years to be able to function on a day-to-day level. It took even longer to combine a “normal life” with self-employment.

All of us face life-changing situations to which we have to adapt. The following tips have helped me find happiness, and get my act together despite having to manage regular flare-ups of my mental illness.

Accept that your goals may take longer to achieve

I used to be really ambitious. I was that annoying kid who always got good grades, and did extracurricular activities. I assumed that academic and financial success would naturally follow.

Wrong. I started showing signs of severe anxiety during my final year. I bombed the exams and repeated the year so I could get into university. I ended up getting kicked out of uni when the anxiety got so bad I couldn’t leave the house.

It was so demoralizing. I had my life worked out. I was going to become a journalist, travel the world and then dabble in business once I had enough financial stability. I really beat myself up about it. My friends were finishing their studies, having kids and starting their corporate careers. I was struggling to get dressed each day and was blogging on the side based on a hunch that it may lead to something.

In the past year, I’ve calmed down. I realized that everyone has their own problems that are holding them back. Bestselling author Bryce Courtenay didn’t start writing until he was 55.

I’ve been able to enjoy day to day life more and I’ve noticed that I’m a lot calmer since I’ve relaxed my goals.

Accept that you can let things go

When I got really ill, I would neglect the housework. At one stage I would only do the washing once every couple of months. It was disgusting. As a result, I became a clean freak once I recovered.

I quickly learned that this isn’t stable. I live alone and have a lot of responsibilities. Having a clean household took energy that I didn’t really have.

I started cutting myself some slack. I’d let the dishes and washing pile up if I had a big work project. I’d neglect the garden for a few days. At first I really rebelled against it but learned to just lose control.

Surprisingly, I’ve been able to get a lot more done since making this change. It’s actually made life a lot easier.

Learn about communication

Having anxiety has the potential to cause friction in any relationship, let alone a romantic one. I’ve noticed I can withdraw for no reason, suddenly lose interest in sex and be somewhat clingy when I feel insecure. I assumed this would cause problems because this is my first relationship.

It hasn’t. I talk openly with my partner so he understands why my behavior has changed. We’ll find a compromise so we both get what we emotionally want without making the other person uncomfortable. We work together to make life that little bit easier.

I’ve applied the same principles to my relationship with my parents. Previously, we used to have a lot of conflict because of misunderstandings between us. Now I’ll ask them to explain their comments if I feel I have misinterpreted them. I let them know when I’m feeling down so that they can give me space. For the first time since childhood, I’ve actually been able to really enjoy my parents company.

Over to you

I’ve had to really change my thinking in order to cope with how my life has changed. Have you had an unexpected situation change your life? How did you learn to adapt to it?

Jade helps you build your influence at jadecraven.com.

When was the last time you received an entire hour of focused unconditional positive regard? Errrmmm … maybe a year ago? Maybe never?

Massage therapy isn’t just just about feeling good. In addition to improving circulation, relieving stress and pain, naturally increasing levels of dopamine and serotonin and a host of other frequently quoted benefits, the most
satisfying part of massage therapy is the skilled, concentrated attention.

I liked massage therapy so much that I went back to school to study it. I wanted the opportunity to make other people feel as good and as cared for as possible. If you’re a therapist your job is to treat the needy. Not always “needy” in terms of money, but needy in terms of “they are sooooooo needy.”

Not everyone who needs attention is “needy.” What’s the difference?

Any type of therapy job will attract those who need attention. However, to actively seek attention in the Western world is culturally constructed as a feminine activity. In fact, it’s seen as admirable not to want attention—to be stoic—the “logic” being that if you were worth something, you wouldn’t have to ask for attention because people would just naturally give it to you. So then we have these terms to describe people who go looking for it: Attention Whore, Needy, Drama Queen, Emotional Vampire, or, as Freud would have it, Goldfish.

Who we are in society can affect how this goes for us as well: very poor people are conditioned not to expect too much attention, or if they get it, it may be negative. The most “needy” are the middle-ish classes, striving for upward mobility: then it’s good to get noticed. Men are less likely to seek help or verbally express “needs”, as doing so could make them appear less powerful. Think about the term “Mama’s Boy”: a man who wants and enjoys attention and affection. It’s not exactly a compliment.

Our culture tends to be pretty clear about when it’s okay to seek attention and when it’s not. But are there really differences in who needs attention?

Who “deserves” attention … and who doesn’t?

The people at the top of the heap, who are the most powerful and control the most resources, also tend to receive the most grooming. This group usually consists of very wealthy white men, and no one ever calls them needy.

The people who massage therapists most often see in the office are the ones who perform the most social grooming in their day to day lives. These are the people who ‘pay’ the most attention- the wives, mothers, and daughters of more culturally powerful ‘others’. Doubt it? Take a look at The Onion’s satire piece from a few years ago, entitled “Mom Hogging Family Therapy Session”. Strike a chord? Did you laugh? If you did, you recognized the underlying current that makes attention a palpable need for a large segment of society.

Of course, it’s not just women who need attention, but they are the ones who are more likely to seek help. When people receive zero social grooming or experience repeated rejection, they tend to behave quite badly. Or, they accept the situation, ignore their feelings about it, and get sick. And then you’ll definitely see them on your table. Everyone needs attention, period. In fact, a new study shows that feelings of social rejection cause the same feelings of “hurt” as physical pain.

That puts kind of a new spin on “attention-seeking,” no?

Massage can help

The beauty of massage therapy is its ability to connect directly with people without requiring them to put into words how they feel. It’s like it ‘magically’ makes you feel better, establishing a physical connection between you and another person without the work of using conversation to try to find common ground. It’s perfect for people who have a hard time verbalizing how they feel.

However, a few words of caution:

1. There is such a thing as a bad massage:
   What makes for a bad massage experience? A tired, unfocused therapist is not good, nor is one who is lacking in social skills or training and understanding. Increase your chances of a good experience by trying to find a skilled practitioner (not just trained in a bunch of fancy modalities), who is perceptive, knowledgeable, and able to focus for long periods of time.
2. You may have a breakdown on the table:
   In the long run this isn’t so bad. It sounds bad, but it’s actually good. That may surprise you, but it’s true. It’s common for people to cry on the table or laugh hysterically when muscle memories are triggered. Depression, eating disorders, body image issues, rape, and trauma—all those stored memories may come rushing back and you may need to find another level of support if that happens to you. The key thing to remember is that being flooded by intense feelings while on the table does not mean that something is going wrong. Starting to experience buried emotions is a part of the process of letting them go.

On a final note, compassionate touch promotes trust. “Being physically touched, whether with a kneading massage or a comforting pat on the shoulder, seems to encourage cooperative behavior,” says author Dan Ariely. Touch is such a basic comfort to us and we tend to seriously underestimate its power to heal and to make us feel connected to other people—an essential part of being human.

The best part of massage is the psycho-social benefit of being well-cared for. So if, like me, you’ve been called needy and if you have, er … issues, get a massage. It may deepen your awareness and just plain help you “feelgooder.”

Have you experienced the benefits of massage? I’d love to hear about your experiences in the comments.

Leigh Stevens is a certified massage therapist, artist, humorist and co-founder of whereapy.