This post is by Brandon Yanofsky of brandonyanofsky.com.

Has the following ever happened to you? You’re on a first date and you begin imagining what your marriage would be like, and maybe what life together would be like. Now you just want this relationship to work, more than anything else. So you call or text the person a few times the next day. No response. So you text or call again. And then you get the dreaded call or text: “I just don’t think it’s going to work.” You realize that if you hadn’t been so eager, things might have gone differently.

This used to happen to me with every potential relationship. But no more.

Here’s how I’ve learned to deal with it. Note that I’m not a relationship specialist. This is simply what works for me and could work for you.

Keeping yourself grounded

The problem is we are letting our thoughts jump out of perspective. How do we know when this is happening? We begin using phrases like, “This is the person of my dreams” right after you meet. We can’t imagine life without this person. We have a constant urge to text or call them.

While these behaviors are all perfectly acceptable as we get further into a relationship, they aren’t acceptable early on. When we first meet someone, we don’t know much about him or her. So what we are doing is projecting what we want that person to be like. We are falling for an imagined version of this person, not for the actual person.

Here’s why this is a problem. When I used to become infatuated with a girl within the first or second date, one of two things would happen:

• I became so infatuated with her that she was turned off. People need time to feel each other out. And if one person comes on too strong, it can easily turn the other off.
• I had these images of how the relationship should be. And if we did establish a relationship, it never lived up to my imagination and soon failed.

How can you stay grounded?

When our thoughts are out of perspective in the beginning of a relationship, we need to remind ourselves:

1. I should get to know this person before making any judgments. Don’t let your mind run wild and create an imagined persona for this person.
2. Whether I date this person or not, I will be the same person. Don’t let a relationship define who you are. Realize that if it doesn’t work out, you will be no different. And if it does work out, you will still be no different.
3. The way I’m thinking right now isn’t rational. Sometimes, just reminding yourself that you’re thinking irrationally is enough to bring you back to rationality.
4. Is this really that big a deal? This is a great way to help relieve the pressure you are putting on yourself. At the moment of the pressure, the situation feels like a life or death situation. Asking yourself, “Does this really matter?” helps bring the situation back into perspective.

Doesn’t this ruin the spirit of love?

You may be saying to yourself, “But I believe in love at first sight.”

I say, “If you want love at first sight to work, you have to keep your emotions in check at first.” Here’s what I mean. An average person who begins dating has their figurative love emotions at a level of 5 (out of 10). When we let our thoughts get out of perspective, our love emotions are now at a level of 9 or 10, and this isn’t healthy.

Telling ourselves such things as, “This isn’t really that big a deal,” can help bring our emotions down to a healthy level.

And don’t worry about becoming numb to love. Using this thought technique will never make your emotions drop below a 5. The gushy, lovey-dovey reason for that is that no matter how hard we try, we can never disrupt true love.

Could this be why your love life isn’t adequate?

If you’d like to read more articles by Brandon Yanofsky, read his blog on anxiety relief.