Relationships

Why I Love … Journaling

January 19, 2011 by Guest Contributor

This guest post is by Maria Walters of Rejournaling Me.

It was August or September, 1999, when I finally realized that then next year was going to be The Year Two Thousand. Being twelve, I loved being involved in anything that I felt like was “making history,” and my anticipation for the New Year rose with the media hype.

At that time I was also avidly collecting novels in the Dear America series, which told the stories of girls growing up at different points in American history. If you couldn’t tell by the name, the novels were in diary form—but they were fiction, a fact that seemed unfortunate in my eyes.

So, on the precipice of what I knew was going to be a new, amazing time in history, I decided that the journal of a real, live, almost-teenage girl would be absolutely fascinating to historians and readers everywhere. And thus, my new year’s resolution was born: to journal every night, to create something that would last for millennia to come.

Yes, a little melodramatic, perhaps, but isn’t that how all dreams seem when you’re twelve? Maybe that’s been a secret of my success: more than eleven years later, I still roll over in bed right before I turn off my light and hand-write a page or two about my day.

Why I journal

Though I started journaling through a naive desire to be famous and make history, I’ve grown to appreciate it much more than that. My journals are my reference books for my life—I can remind myself how much I’ve grown, how far I’ve come, or just how my handwriting has changed by simply flipping through the pages.

My journal is somewhere where I can think out loud and say things without worrying who is reading or how ridiculous my dreams are. I can rant, be frustrated, and think through issues without picking a fight with anyone. And, most of all, I can review my day, even in its dullness, and reflect on what has been good or bad.

Looking back, my journal won’t be the most interesting read for most people—I include plenty of monotonous details about the schedule of my day without being able to encapsulate the funny moments, the tears shed, or the characters of people around me who make life worth living. But I treasure the ability to look back on “normal” days in my life that are completely different than today’s “normal” day.

Start your own journal

The combination of foreignness and familiarity is probably the reason people are often fascinated by the fact that I journal. Often, they mention wishing they had the same habit, or asking how I’ve kept going. Well, there are certainly things (like my spelling!) that I could have improved back in 1999, but here are a couple of things I think helped me keep writing.

Take a head start

I actually started journaling on December 21, 1999, ten days before Y2K. I could be a pretty cautious girl who didn’t like failure, so I decided to test out my new year’s resolution before deciding to make it. That way, if I decided it wasn’t working or wasn’t worth it, I could just not make the resolution, instead of failing right out of the gate. Playing with logic in that way still works for me—I will often start a practice before deciding to commit to it long-term.

Use something beautiful

I remember the process of elimination at the bookstore when I was looking for my new journal—weighing one book in my hand, then another, scrutinizing each carefully. And then I felt it—a slim book, with a satiny smooth, lightly padded cover, covered with an image of a Monet or other impressionistic painting. Since then, I’ve picked out at least three or four journals each year—and I still look for one that looks beautiful and feels right.

Do it every day

I took my journal on two or three sleepovers within the first month of starting it. I’ve written in the light of a flashlight, a closet, in the hallway or bathroom, surrounded by people or alone. I even remember staying up later than I was supposed to, lying on my bedroom floor and writing by the hall light coming in under the door. It was only five or ten minutes, but I found a time for it, every day.

And, yes, I have missed a day or two at a time, but I don’t think about my habit as being “writing almost every day,” because suddenly every day becomes the “almost” part instead of the “every day” part. Writing every day makes me look for ways past the excuses instead of looking for the excuses not to write.

Expect to be boring

As I mentioned before, the way I journal helps me to think back through the day, writing down what I did, who I was with, and sometimes it reads more like a calendar than a novel. Some days I have plenty of emotions to spill or thoughts to think, and I can go on for pages. But when I write, I don’t worry about what I’m going to say, having the perfect phrasing, or any other performance anxiety—I just write something down and know that whether it’s fascinating or boring, I’ll write again tomorrow.

I may not be as famous as 12-year-old me might have hoped, but I have lived through a new, amazing time in history. Now I have a chance to look back and acknowledge it, and I have plenty more new, amazing times to look forward to documenting—which is my hope for you, too, that you have a chance to reflect on what was good and hard, and look forward to it.

What about you? Do you keep a journal? Or do you have some other way to process what happens each day?

Maria shares her old journal entries, 11 years later, at her blog, Rejournaling Me.

Feel Good Online? Feel Great Offline!

January 13, 2011 by Guest Contributor

This guest post is by Jane Sheeba of Find All Answers.

I had to go offline for a week. I packed up my stuff. I scheduled blog posts for those days I’d be away. I packed a couple of books I’d purchased, knowing that it would be really hard for me to stay offline. I couldn’t check mails, there’d be no tweets or buzzing… Life is tough that way, I thought.

When I came back, I realized a great difference in myself: I felt a lot better and recharged. I’m not claiming that being offline is the ideal state for well being. But I certainly recommend offline periods for everyone at some frequency. Let me tell you the goodness I experienced.

My eyes

My eyes thanked me for the break. My everyday routine includes a lot of sitting in front of the laptop. I sit in front of a Linux computer at work (I work full time as a Research Scientist in the field of Medical Physics), and at home is my Windows 7 laptop. I almost always look into a computer monitor, since I work on my blog at home.

When I was offline I no longer had eye balls that hurt. I went to bed before my vision got blurry. My eyes did not scream out to me, asking me to blink. I felt that I have done good justice to my eyes, and I could do more in less time in front of the computer when I was offline, since I had a better vision.

The time I spent with my family and people

Being offline was like being without any perturbations from outside. While at home, I have all email notifiers turned on. I’ll be away from my laptop to clean my house or to put clothes in the washer, when I hear a ‘bing’ (the alert sound when a chat message or a email comes in). I briefly come to the laptop to see if it’s something important. I have wireless enabled and my android phone is on the Web. Even if I go to bedroom, I can’t avoid the ‘bing’. Or I go to the kitchen and boom—an idea pops into my head. I either rush to my laptop or pick up my phone to type it out online (I want my drafts to be in sync wherever I go).

I spend about 15% of my time with my family when I have Internet access at home. But when I was away I spent about 80% of my time with my family, relatives, and friends. I spent a lot of that talking to people face to face and I felt it a lot more realistic and refreshing compared to online socializing.

My back

Sitting in front of a computer for hours at a time is a curse. It takes a lot of practice to learn and implement the correct ergonomic postures. Even if most of us know the correct postures, we don’t take care to stick to them after some time, once we are working with full concentration. We cannot stop our body from changing postures. As we become more and more involved in our work, we take rather bad postures, doing harm to our back and neck.

Well, I am all saying ‘we’; even though I don’t know about all of you, I know this happens with most people.

I felt a lot firm and straight during the week when I was offline. I did not sit in my chair and lean forward. Actually I did not sit in a chair for the most part. I did a lot of walking and moving around, and my back felt so fresh. I never felt the ache that usually occurs at about bed time.

My productivity

I actually thought that since I was going offline I would kill a lot of my productive time. I worried if I could ever catch up at all with all the pending work that would have piled up on my return. To my surprise, the offline time was actually a productive break. I got super-productive and wrote an ebook in 4 days.

Surprisingly, I wrote this ebook in less than 20% of the time (I spent about 80% of the time on socializing, as I said earlier!). 20% of the time is far very little compared to the time I’d usually take, while online, to get this work done. I achieved something that would take about 15 to 20 days if I chose to do it on those days when I’m always online. The problem is the routine online stuff that distracts me from writing the ebook.

The other online things are not literally distractions—they’re other things that are either equally or more important than writing the ebook, but still they divert me from my writing (or what I am into, generally).

I am not saying that I am totally disorganized when I am online. Not at all! I do all my research and blogging work while being online. I have had no problems with my personal organization and productivity. But being online at least sets two expectations within me:

1. Sync with all servers (emails, drafts, and so on) or get updated.

2. Be alert not to get into online distractions. The very awareness to not get distracted while being online creates restlessness. I’m sure you’ve experienced this yourself.

My humble suggestion: take yourself offline once in a while and you’ll feel a great difference. Your body and mind will receive a great treat if you do so, and so will your productivity.

Jane writes on Blogging Tips, Relationships and Self Improvement at Find All Answers. She has a free ebook for you to grab.

9 Ways in Which Yoga Changed My Life … And Could Change Yours

January 11, 2011 by Guest Contributor

This post is by Claudia Azula Altucher of Claudiayoga.com.

I started practicing yoga because I wanted to look good and feel good. I also wanted to meet men. Through my early practice days I saw that advanced students seemed peaceful, elegant, centered, and almost otherworldly. Little did I know at the time that those were merely projections. Yogis are people, and just like with other people, you can find all kinds.

The promise of what I thought I saw in these practitioners was enough to get me started anyway, and I am glad I did. Yoga brought into my life not just all of the things I initially believed I wanted, but much more. It made me more flexible in body, yes, but it also pointed out other areas of life in which I could bend or stretch more.

Here are some examples of where the practice had a life-changing effect for me.

1. Lifting me from depression

Yoga entered my life and lifted depression away, literally. I’d been on medication from 2003 until 2006, and through the daily practice and everything that happened as a consequence (having a teacher care for me, going to workshops, meeting people, going to brunches with other yogis, learning about yogic principles, and so on), I was able to stop taking drugs.

It didn’t happen overnight—not at all. It took a few years and a lot of trust, but it happened. These days the daily practice of yoga and meditation is so ingrained in my daily activities that I can clearly see how not having it could produce a void that, especially in winter months, could send me singing the blues.

For example, when I took my very first yoga retreat at the end of 2003 in northern British Columbia, I was for the first time aware that one can live life dedicating every action to a higher power, however way we understand that. During that retreat they had us wash lettuce as a dedication, make the bed with total awareness, and stop and pray on the hour, every hour.

Integrating an attitude of devotion, remembering how blessed I was to have food to eat, the possibility of a retreat, and a healthy body, helped me to slowly put things in perspective, and to come into health.

2. Changing the body

The very first way in which yoga showed herself in my life was through my body. I started practicing Ashtanga yoga, which is a set routine practiced every day in the morning, six times a week. What I liked about this particular style is that the student practices on his or her own and poses are added one at the time.

In the beginning the practice was short as I concentrated on learning the poses in the sequence, and the sweating was profuse. I practiced half in a studio and half at home (with a DVD), and within a short period of time of no more than six months I started to notice new muscles in my body, feel more energy, have better posture, and release weight.

Not all styles of yoga are intense like the one I practice, but most classes these days include a comprehensive workout for the whole body. They include backbends, which help with spine flexibility; twists, which help with toxic release and weight loss; inversions, which help us see things differently; and standing routines that build stamina.

Throughout the daily practice of yoga poses, my body began to learn new and change old habits. For example, eating after 7 PM was not an option when I knew I would be attempting a deep twist the following morning.

3. Learning to stop reacting

Practicing yoga asana (poses) every day is perhaps one of the strongest mirrors we can put in front of ourselves. For example, facing a deep twist like Marichasana C is a colossal event.

Marichasana C (author's image)

As we learn it, every single cell in the body seems to scream “no” in resistance. Having a teacher direct us to go deeper into the pose and keep breathing is a major exercise, one with profound consequences in real life. What happens when we are able to stay in a pose like this while still breathing and remaining equanimous is akin to a triumph of epic proportions.

We can see the positive effect of that equanimity later on, as we step off the mat. For me it became very clear at work, where I would attend a meeting and go through the usual tensions that spark in such settings. Yet I’d have a moment before reacting—a small silence, a breathing pause—where I would stay with the feeling before saying anything. Most of the time, if not all the time, situations had a way of resolving themselves before I even uttered a word, and all of this was just a consequence of a small silence, of a moment of staying present, quiet, and aware.

4. Finding true relationships

It never takes very long when one starts on the path to yoga to realize that the asana or poses are just the tip of the iceberg. In my own case this started to manifest in very practical ways, and before I even knew that there were ancient codes of behavior, breathing exercises or other limbs, or branches to yoga (there are eight).

Through learning about the new branches I realized that I had some ingrained habits that were no longer serving me. For instance, I was attracting men into my life that were not good for me, and were usually unavailable. Te truth is that this is not something that stopped at men, it was a trend within my life—there were other people around me who I thought of as my friends, but who clearly were not. Through reflection I became more aware of what I was doing not just to my body but also to my emotional being.

Changing a lifetime of habits is not something that happens overnight, and breaking that pattern was not something I did at the snap of my fingers—it was a process that started mostly with point three above. Having enough time before reacting or saying “yes” or “no” to something gave me a better opportunity to search for clarity, and to connect with my own inner wisdom. I continued to make wrong choices (I have to admit) but at least I knew that I was choosing the wrong thing. Whoever says that change is easy is probably not being entirely honest.

After I repeated the pattern of choosing the wrong path while completely aware that I was doing that a few times, it suddenly became clear that I could try something new. For example, I could give myself the chance of believing that I was worth loving. I learned to love and respect myself in this way, slowly but surely, and to re-think my circle of friends and intimate relationships. It paid off.

5. Becoming more efficient

Through a practice we learn to pay attention to the breath. This sounds like an unimportant part of our daily life, but as soon as yoga starts kicking in it becomes clearly the most important thing.

How much energy is used to lift up of a chair, to make a cup of tea, how many words we use in every sentence, how focused we are on the task at hand, it is all deeply connected to how we are breathing. Shallow and fast breathing leads to over talking, and to wasting “prana” or vital energy.

Becoming more and more aware of my breath was the doorway into efficiency within my own body. I started noticing all energies coming in and out, and also how often I was going to the bathroom, what I was eating, what I was talking about, and what I was reading.

By making better choices in all of this areas life became less burdened, I started giving away old clothes to charity and eventually, when I lost my job in 2009, I gave away pretty much everything I had. I became lighter, and determined to carry around only those things I really treasure and need. I became efficient.

6. Changing the spirit

The spiritual side for me manifested in trusting my own insight and intuition, and in listening—truly listening—to what I wanted to do, to the song my heart was singing. Through it I became more and more interested in writing, in reading about yoga, in teaching. Many other doors opened up by way of what I call Divine grace: I learned the powerful effect of mantras, I started paying attention to coincidences and chance encounters, and to follow the clues offered in the most trivial situations.

A challenge of stepping into this path is remaining grounded. When someone starts talking about mantras it is easy to dismiss and think that a person might have gone coo-coo. I would not blame anyone for thinking so; it’s always good to keep things in perspective. Good yoga encourages this, to find the connection with the wondrous spiritual world, yet keep the feet solidly grounded in reality, in feeding the children, and in doing the laundry.

7. Changing the mind

Patanjali is a sage who created a masterpiece called the “Yoga Sutras”—a little book of 196 sentences in which he explains the whole science of yoga, and which needs to be de-coded through a lifetime of study. In the book, only two of the 196 sutras are dedicated to asana or poses. All the rest deal with different issues, mostly related to controlling the mind.

The very first sutra “yoga chitta vritti nirodhah” means that yoga is the cessation of the fluctuations of the mind, meaning that yoga is becoming still, one-pointed, so centered that whatever we put our attention on we burn with the fire of intention and we can pretty much manifest anything we want. Funnily enough, apparently once one gains that power, one does not want anything. The paradoxes of spiritual advancement!

Learning to work with the mind transformed me by introducing daily meditation into my life—ten minutes, 20 minutes, or sometimes even 30. It took a while (in the beginning I never found the time or motivation), but these days I need it. Life seems meaningless and depraved of magic if I do not sit on the cushion and meditate.

When I was working in the corporate world in busy New York City, I used to take a walk every day at lunch time to a nearby meditation center and sit for the first half an hour of my time off. This conspired in my life to make me a lot more aware of my priorities, of where energy was being wasted, and gave me insight into how to proceed when in difficult situations.

Meditation is the branch of yoga that has brought the most amount of miracles in my life, perhaps the biggest one being that I now live and do work I love, for which I am very grateful.

8. Traveling

Maybe it’s our curiosity to discover traditions that have practiced yoga for a long time, or perhaps it is the fantastic nature of the stories we hear from people coming back from India that eventually makes us curious to travel to see Yoga in its place of origin.

There are many top yoga institutes in major Indian cities like New Dehli, Rishikesh, Chennai, and Mysore. I visited the latter in early 2008 and will be returning soon. For someone living in north America like me, the possibility of visiting Thailand with all its retreat centers and fasting and cleansing facilities became more than a treat. It was a dream, and eventually it happened. Through the grace of yoga I became a curious traveler.

Traveling has a strong effect in the life of the voyager: it opens our eyes, forces us to see things differently (people eat fried insects in some parts of the world), makes us adapt (no brushing your teeth with tap water in India), surprises us, and alchemizes us.

9. Going down the rabbit hole

Somehow this happens when we step on the yoga path: we say goodbye to our old preconceptions and begin to give ourselves the opportunity to look at everything that happens in a new way. We start thinking with new types of images, we dream new possibilities, we become kinder, we notice things, and we see things.

The yogic path is a rewarding way of living, a grounded way to connect with spirit, and a doorway into the magic that lives within us—even as we toss the spinach salad!

Claudia Azula Altucher has studied yoga for over a decade and all over the world including the Ashtanga Yoga Research Institute in Mysore, India, and at Centered Yoga in Thailand. She writes daily at Claudiayoga.com.

Feeling Lucky? The Positive Effect of Talismans

January 3, 2011 by Guest Contributor

This guest post is by Christy Smith, of ThinkBlot Communications.

It found me last summer. I was doing a bit of window shopping, and there it was on the arm of a mannequin in the window: a simple, black, metal cuff that said “Be Extraordinary”. As I put it on my wrist, I felt something shift inside me. I didn’t even look at the price tag; I bought it on the spot because I knew it was meant for me.

For years I’ve been drawn to objects that carry a simple “Be” message: be inspired, be you, be generous. At the moment when I saw that bracelet, I wanted nothing more than to be extraordinary.

Looking back, when the bracelet came into my life, I was standing at a crossroads. Open before me was the traditional path that I’d been following for years. There was nothing new or special about it—it was comfortable and well-worn. But I had caught a glimpse of another path, one that was uncertain, risky, and scary, but appealed to my deepest desire to do more with the gifts I’ve been given. I felt like those simple words, Be Extraordinary, summed up what I knew I needed to do if I was going to pursue that new dream.

I wear the bracelet every day, and now feel as naked without it as I do without my wedding ring. The bracelet is my personal call to action. It is my talisman for good luck in navigating my new path, and is a constant reminder that I should strive to do not just great things, but extraordinary things. This small object is the physical manifestation of my goals and dreams.

Why do talismans touch us?

The use of talismans goes back to ancient times, when people believed that certain objects carried mystical powers and harnessed positive energy. To be in possession of one granted you access to those powers. Talismans were used as protection from bad luck, and a way to focus energy on a positive outcome that the owner hoped would come to pass.

In times of uncertainty, adversity, and personal reflection, talismans become particularly attractive. They can make us feel like we’re giving control of our destiny to something outside of us. Even though we are still 100% in control, it’s within this illusion that we can drive the behaviors needed to achieve our goals.

Talismans can be any physical objects, like a photo, piece of clothing, or an item of jewelry. We may keep and treasure things that belonged to loved ones who are no longer with us because we feel the connection to them through those objects. Those connections bring us strength and comfort. We may assign significance to talismans that are given to us under special circumstances if we think that they will bring us the same type of luck or fortune that was enjoyed by previous owners.

A confidence boost

We’ve all heard the stories about athletes who wear a certain item of clothing each time they compete, performers who insist on having certain items around them before they go onstage, or artists who need a special object in order to create. The behaviors all stem from the same kind of belief. It’s a bit superstitious, but nonetheless many feel that consistently creating the same environment will drive the desired level of performance.

A recent article in the Wall Street Journal detailed the story of a wig that was being passed between cancer treatment patients. Each of the previous owners of the wig had fought their battle against cancer and won. The wig brings hope as it is passed along the chain from survivor to current patient. The wig carries with it each woman’s story, and is considered a powerful good luck charm for each new recipient.

Trying to debunk the mystery

Of course, there’s nothing mystical or magical about the power of a talisman beyond the energy that we give it. It becomes the outward manifestation of our inner motivations, wants, and needs. Using a talisman is harmless to the extent that we draw positive energy from it in our times of need. Our talismans are there for us on even the darkest day, to give us a sense of comfort, security, and hope.

Science now is starting to dig into these superstitions, with surprising results. Barbara Stoberock, Thomas Mussweiler, and Lysann Damisch from the University of Cologne published earlier this year the results of their study, which concluded that people who used good luck charms during the research study performed better on tests. The researchers theorize that those participants had higher confidence in their abilities. There was nothing about the charms that actually led to better performance—other than the participants’ belief in them. This research implies that talismans are a classic example of the placebo effect. But why knock it if it works?

I know that my bracelet doesn’t actually confer special powers onto me. The results of my actions, good or bad, are completely my own. I don’t blame the bracelet if I make a bad decision, and on the flip side, if something wonderful happens, I take full personal credit. But I wear it all the same. I like having the symbolic reminder, and it makes me happy when I look at it. And still every day, I work to Be Extraordinary.

Christy is the founder of ThinkBlot Communications and is a self-diagnosed Pollyanna. She is currently exploring the ways we can create positive self-dialogue to achieve our goals. She can be found at Twitter @thinkblotcom.

How Not to Be a Ridiculously Rude Person

December 30, 2010 by Guest Contributor

This post is by Parker Lee, of HowtoMingle.com.

“You will eat noodles tonight. And you love cupcakes. I don’t care what you say! You’ll eat it and love it.”

What if someone always thought and spoke for you? How would that make you feel?

What if I told you that most people do this, and you likely fall into this category? There’s an epidemic ladies and gentlemen, and it’s called being a ridiculously rude person.

There are two types of rude people in this world: the kind that loves to be one, and the kind that has absolutely no idea that they are one.

You and I have been guilty of speaking and thinking for others and, without our knowledge, people have been calling us names that would cause grandma to gasp!

Let’s be real. Deep down inside we want people to like us. Heck, we want them to love us!

So let’s be besties and make that happen, and together, we’ll have people lining up to be a part of our crew. We’ll call our gang, “Parker and friends,” no? Okay fine, we’ll work on our crew name later.

But first, I need to give you the 411 on the two most common mistakes on how most people are coined Ridiculously Rude Person. Then, I’ll give you some tips on how to be friends with anyone, any time, anywhere.

Conversational mistake #1: talking from The God Perspective

The God Perspective involves talking about facts. For example: “New York is great. It’s a big city. There are a lot of taxi cabs there.”

When you speak in the God perspective, it’s easy to start an argument, because you’re trying to define reality, which is not something we can do for anyone but ourselves.

Conversational mistake #2: talking from The You Perspective

Here’s an example: “You know, when you’re in New York, it’s really big. And when you have to get across the city you can take a cab because there are a lot there.”

If the person you’re talking to has never been to New York or any large city, they will not be able to relate to what you’re talking about. Even though they will mindlessly nod along to your story, no genuine connection will be made (the only exception to this rule of thumb is when you know the person has a history on the subject you’re discussing).

People who speak in The You Perspective assume reality for others. This is not an attractive thing to do, but many people talk this way by default.

Solution: talking from The I Perspective

I encourage you to speak from The I Perspective. Doing so makes you relatable. It’s more important to speak in a relatable way than to try and relate to everything other people say. Speaking from The I Perspective is an important part of leading an interaction with someone else. It’s sexy. And I know you wanna be sexy!

An example? “I like New York because I think the people are friendly and I enjoy the taxi cab lifestyle.”

This will be a challenge if you have been trained to speak from the other perspectives I mentioned. But in the social world, The I Perspective is king.

Why Should I?

Speaking from The I Perspective is how friends talk to each other. It’s like constantly giving your opinion. Let’s talk about speaking of our own opinions.

Speaking of your opinions using The I Perspective is very powerful, because your opinions derive from your personal experiences, which shape our values and beliefs.

If you speak from your opinion, it will allow someone else to speak from their opinion. Do not take this for granted.

In revealing to you their opinion, your conversation partner expresses their values and beliefs—their own life experiences and, on a deeper level, their triumphs and heartaches. This is real talk—an emotional connection that’s powerful, yet subtle. Use this for good, and use it well.

And last but not least: be honest. I believe in honesty. I will never lie to you, or anyone for that matter. I believe in being real, and the real secret to attracting people into your life is to be honest with yourself. People relate to honesty. People relate to others who are real, uncensored and raw.

Let down your guard, embrace who you are, and be proud of it. This is something that took me some time, after years of trying to be someone I wasn’t. Now, I can truly say that I love myself, my life, and who I have become. And from dealing with hundreds of clients, I know that it’s a rare and magical thing to say. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Parker Lee is a writer and coach who teaches people How to Become a 24/7 Attractive Person. He uses what he had learned through various self-development seminars, and his own life’s experiences to successfully coach hundreds of clients all around the world (New York, L.A, Amsterdam, Singapore, Manila to name a few) in the areas of: Conversation, Self Development, and Dating. Parker Blogs at HowtoMingle.com. You can sign up for his free, ebook, “Howtomingle101: Your guide to meeting and connecting with anyone, anytime, anywhere.”

Sleep Well. Dream Big.

December 23, 2010 by Lisa Johnson

Sleep Well. Dream Big.

I say this every night to my son. I have since he was about two weeks old. The first night in the hospital after he was born I couldn’t believe how in love I was with this precious bundle, and how amazingly happy I was to have him in my life.

I wanted him to know all possibilities were before him. He could do or achieve anything. I wanted him to feel safe and protected. I wanted him to know he could recover and learn from his mistakes. How could I boil all that down?

It came to me after a few sleepless nights as a new Mom. It just drifted into my conscious and I knew it was perfect. Sleep Well. Dream Big. This, my son, is what I hope for you.

It means, be well prepared and take chances. Think about possibilities, not barriers. Stretch a little further than you think you can. Try.

I hope someday that he says this to his children as he’s tucking them in and giving them a kiss on the forehead. I hope he remembers it when he’s out of my home and my safety net and wants to try something new.

What do you tell your children? What words of wisdom do you want to pass onto them? We’d love to hear them.

Harness Transformational Courage to Change Your Life

December 22, 2010 by Guest Contributor

This post is by Marly McMillen of NamelyMarly.

We are, all of us, descendants of immigrants. In fact, American scientist Carl Sagan once said, “For 99.9 percent of the time since our species came to be, we were hunters and foragers, wanderers on the savannahs and the steppes.” As humans, we have a voyager spirit. It drives us to journey to new lands.

But many of us today find ourselves stationed in our plot of terra firma. Maybe we make a move or two, but very few of us have made the life-or-death sort of transformational journeys of our ancestors. These were people who journeyed far, fleeing harsh conditions to endure a grueling passage that many did not survive to an unknown and possibly unforgiving new land.

Laurie Fabiano, the O Magazine-recommended novelist, wrote a fictional story based on people from her family who emigrated from Italy to the United States. In her novel, Elizabeth Street, Fabiano described the horrors from which people were fleeing. In my interview with Laurie, she told me, “It’s not like the people in my family were looking for adventure. They didn’t want to leave Italy, but they were starving to death. The poverty there was horrific in those days. It wasn’t like they said, ‘Wow! Let’s have an adventure and journey to America!’ And the journey itself was also horrific.”

If today we find ourselves too rooted in either land or life, how can we channel the spirits of our immigrant ancestors to journey to the life of our dreams?

It’s worth noting that we don’t have to physically uproot our families to revive transformation courage in our lives.

Elizabeth Gilbert wrote the book, Eat, Pray, Love as a sort of memoir of her multi-month journey to Europe as she was recovering from a divorce and rediscovering her own identity. During times of self-reflection and renewal, people choose to reinvent themselves in different ways. Some, like Elizabeth Gilbert, go on journeys. But that’s not always a practical option for everyone. Elizabeth says herself that it’s possible to transform yourself right at home. The trick is committing the time and energy toward that endeavor.

You may be considering a major life change like a new career or you may be looking for space and permission to finally write that novel. Or maybe you’d like to stretch yourself by running for the school board. Living a successful life is all about that: stretching yourself, learning, growing, and then learning some more.

How can you use transformational courage to help you along the way? Here are some tips for creating your own transformational journey.

Acquire satellites

After you punch an address into your GPS, “Acquiring satellites” is usually the first message you’ll see. That’s because the only way to get to where you’re going is to understand where you are.

Carl Rogers once said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Create for yourself a Transformational Journal (any spiral notebook will do) and begin the first page with an assessment of where you are in your life. Write down areas where you’re happy, where you’re ambivalent, and other areas where you’d like to see some changes.

Become a wonderer

Have you ever pondered a “what if” question? What if you would have taken that advanced track in college? What if you would have jumped at that impromptu trip to Europe? Now it’s time to take that wondering spirit and apply it to your future.

Get our your Transformational Journal and on the next page, write this down:

“I wonder what would happen if I ___________.”

Then begin filling in the blanks. Julia Cameron, in her book The Artist’s Way at Work, suggests creating this Wonderer as an inner voice in your life. She says that you can “get to know and trust your Wonderer as an important guide to creative breakthrough.”

Set some coordinates

In the show, A Very Brady Sequel, Mike Brady says to his family, “Remember kids, a very wise man once said, ‘Wherever you go, there you are.’” Yes, it’s true, this is a quote from the Brady Bunch, but the point is still valid. Where do you want to go? Where do you want to be in your life?

Maybe you’ve thought about starting your own business. Or taking an art class. Now is the time to get some of these goals on a page. On page two of your Transformational Journal, write down some dreams you have for yourself, whether it’s improving an existing skill or learning something entirely new.

Define the standards

Are you looking for the freeway route or do you want to take the scenic side roads? There are certainly pros and cons to both; you just have to know what the priority is for your life. And remember, there are no right or wrong answers here: you can combine both speedy and sedate segments of your journey.

Maybe you want to sign up for a brief, two-day photography workshop, but take your time developing a blog to showcase your work. This is an entry for page three of your Transformational Journal. Write down the “how” of making your life course happen. Brainstorm ideas such as networking with people in the industry of your choice, to taking courses, to exploring websites that can help you learn more.

Pick a milestone

Setting some achievable landmarks along the journey can help you feel a sense of accomplishment along the way. Milestones can occur at any point in a journey, but their purpose is the same: to inspire the weary wanderer to stay the course. Think about the immigrants who braved brutal conditions crossing the Atlantic to come to the United States. The Statue of Liberty was a significant milestone for many of them.

Take another look at your Transformational Journal and on the next page write down some milestones that can help you know you’re on the right path. If you’re aiming to become healthier, then list ways that you’ll know you’re getting there, such as getting back into those jeans from last year.

Get on the road!

The longest journey begins with just one step. You’ve heard this many times before, but it remains true today. Don’t judge yourself in a negative light for taking even the tiniest of steps. It’s those tiny steps combined together that will get you to your destination.

We are all immigrants on the journey of life. Carl Sagan was right. We have been wanderers from the beginning. It’s in our DNA. The trick is cultivating those immigrant skills to lead us to the life of our dreams. In the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson, “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters, compared to what lies within us.”

Marly McMillen has a passion for life, family, vegan food, and names. She writes about all of these and more on her site at NamelyMarly. Marly’s podcast, NamelyMarly, can be found on iTunes, where she interviews people about their names. The people she interviews include famous authors, models, and even the people she meets at the park. Marly is also passionate about healthy food and shares vegan recipes as well.

Save Your Sanity: Holiday Travel with Preschoolers

December 20, 2010 by Guest Contributor

This guest post is by Tara E. Nusz , D.Ed., a school psychologist who blogs at Do These Kids Make Me Look Crazy?

I decided to do some research during my Thanksgiving holiday. Well, “research” may be too strong a word.

I tried to pretend that I wasn’t a mother wrangling two kids under the age of six through three airports on a quest to make it halfway across the country on the busiest flying day of the year. Instead, I visualized myself as an investigative reporter who is doing a self-reflective piece on how a young, beautiful, highly-intelligent mother can make such a task look effortless.

I thought about carrying a Starbucks cup to make myself look extra casual and relaxed, but I decided that would be overkill. Plus, I needed to push our stroller with the bum wheel, which takes two hands. I’m pretty sure asking my three-year-old to hold a steaming cup of chai tea would make me look like a bad mother in the eyes of my fellow passengers.

Anyway, I won’t bore you with the details, but by the time I dragged my frazzled, sweaty, snack-stained carcass into my husband’s waiting car four days later, I ordered him to drive me immediately to the nearest insane asylum.

You’re probably thinking that I was so fatigued because I was poorly planned for our trip. Maybe I spent a little too much time pretending to be a glamorous investigative reporter and not enough time examining the reality of one adult, two kids, 1700 things to pack, and the hazards of bad weather, airport security, flight delays, and the inordinate cost of airport bribes, I mean, snacks.

That may very well be true, but you’re in luck. You get to benefit from all of my top-notch investigative reporting. Here’s what I learned.

Bring snacks

Lots of them. Not just regular, run-of-the mill snacks that you might have lying around the house on a typical day. No, bring out the big guns. The stuff that the young’uns always pester you about in the grocery store but you won’t buy because they were terribly behaved in the produce section.

Pop-tarts anyone? Yogurt covered pretzels? Expensive cheese sticks that you bought without a coupon? Bring it. But don’t tell them what you brought. Keep the suspense alive, and just allude to the awesomeness of the snack. Make statements like, “Sit down and buckle your seat belt. As soon as the plane takes off, I’m going to give you a snack that has sprinkles on it!”

Of course space is limited. But if you have to chose between an extra pair of big boy underwear and those fruit snacks that squirt a little bit of juice in your mouth when you bite them, toss the young’un in a pull-up and leave the undies behind. If he wets the pull-up, you can always have him go commando. It’s not creepy when a preschooler does it.

Tip: Pack snacks that don’t melt or smear excessively. Do they pass the “brush off” test? Can you brush the remnants off your clothes, or will they smear and leave streaks? Goldfish = pass; M&Ms = fail. Skittles can go either way, depending on whether your young’un is a drooler.

Fact: There is no empirical evidence to suggest that sugar causes hyperactivity in children. I learned this in my doctoral program in school psychology, and if you research it, you’ll find that I’m right. Caffeine will make them hyperactive, however, so consider limiting snacks containing chocolate. Sugar will make them fat, of course, but so will the 2 pounds of mashed potatoes drizzled with butter that they will eat for Christmas dinner.

Pack a stroller

Any stroller. Your young’un can walk? Fantastic. But if you bring a stroller, you automatically get to go through the “family” line at the security checkpoint. This line is about 1/20 the length of the regular line. I told the security guard that I’m prepared to shove my son in a stroller until he’s fifteen if it means I can keep going through that line. She told me I am very wise. And because she had a badge, I believed her.

Tip: Pack your young’un in the stroller for the purpose of getting through airport security, but then insist that he get out and burn off some energy before boarding the plane. The stroller can then be used to carry around all the snacks.

Keep the young’uns informed

Prior to your trip, spend a little time each day describing the expectations of the trip. Tell them the schedule. “We’re going to get up really early on Wednesday, eat a waffle in the car, and drive to the airport. Your job will be to carrying the backpack with the coloring books. We’re going to go on two airplanes before we get to Grandma’s. We will be on one plane for just a little while, and one plane for a long time. You have to stay with me all the time, because we’re a team.”

Warning: Apparently young’uns get really mad when they find out that a horribly long plane ride does not conclude with arrival at the destination as promised.

Bring activities for the plane ride

This seems really obvious, right? Well, it was absolute torture for me to watch a young’un who was about five years old get scolded 146 times by his mother during a two and a half hour plane ride because he was fidgeting in his seat and asking for snacks. Um, he’s five. You have a book. You brought something for yourself, why did you not pack something for him?

But because I brought enough snacks to feed all of the passengers on the entire plane if we were to crash on an island, Lost-style, we were able to pass him a couple of Oreos (Note: Oreos don’t really pass the “brush off” test, but they’re really good so it might be worth it. Plus, his stained clothes were his unprepared mother’s problem, not mine).

Tip#1: Bring low-tech activities as well as electronic toys. Remaining dependent on a DVD player or a hand-held video game can haunt you later if they banish all electronics and then you sit on the runway for 45 minutes while they de-ice the plane for the third time.

Mini-tip: Consider packing some extra batteries, first checking that this doesn’t violate any airport security rules.

Tip #2: Stay engaged with your children. Play a mean game of Go Fish. Color together. Play “I Spy”. Plan out what you’re going to do when you arrive at your destination. Sure, maybe they’ll veg out in front of the portable DVD player. But if you notice they are getting naughty or over-active, head it off at the pass by engaging them in a parent-directed activity. Sometimes the word “naughty” is synonymous with “needs attention”.

Tip #3: Space out and rotate self-directed activities with activities that require parent direction. For example, you may let them play with the Itouch for a while independently. But consider playing Hang-Man with them for 15 minutes prior to letting them pop in a movie.

If you bring out all the super-fun activities at once, what are you going to do when you are only half-way to your destination and they have dropped all the crayons, accidentally deleted all the games off your Itouch, and resorted to entertaining themselves by kicking the seat in from of them 4,000 times? Oh, wait. Refer back to #1, which is only effective if they don’t get so full they vomit.

Prioritize going to the bathroom on layovers.

One adult and two kids in an airplane bathroom. Do I really need to say more? I’m sure the passengers seated directly outside of the bathroom suspected that I was giving the young’uns a beating, what with all the bumping, banging, and muffled curse words.

Warning: Avoid snacks that are extremely salty, as they may induce the desire for a beverage. More beverages = more pee. More pee = more time in the airplane bathroom. The more time you spend with your flailing young’uns in the airplane bathroom = less time for that honeymooning couple to attempt to join the Mile-High Club.

Never underestimate the power of a rousing sing-along.

I’m kidding. A sing-along would be akin to suicide. Do you really want your young’uns to see you bludgeoned with a Sky Mall magazine? With that image in mind, you may also want to avoid bringing DVD’s of Dora the Explorer (“We did it, we did it, we did it, did it, did it!”). No one wants to have their mid-flight nap interrupted by Dora and that crazy fox Swiper.

I’d like to conclude this article by apologizing to all of you who now have the Dora Explorer theme song running through your head. At least it’s not the theme song from Yo Gabba Gabba. If you think it would make you feel better, I can give you some dried fruit and switch on your overhead light.

Tara E. Nusz , D.Ed., is a school psychologist who works in a public school outside of Charlotte, NC. She also blogs at Do These Kids Make Me Look Crazy?. Although Tara has to be very serious-minded at work, her blog completely disregards this in favor of “finding the funny” in her roles as mother, wife, and friend.

To Love Myself: Overcoming Low Self-esteem

December 12, 2010 by Guest Contributor

This guest post is by Anna Lind Thomas of The Hookup Column

I often try to warn young women of their self-esteem. She can be a self-sabotaging piece of work with only one goal in mind: to do what it takes to alleviate the pain that comes from believing you aren’t good enough.

And if you let her take the reigns in your dating life, she’ll have you in a clinic for an STD test before you realize you weren’t even in to the guy in the first place.

She doesn’t care about consequences. She wants to be loved. She wants to be beautiful. She wants to be noticed.

She wants to be invaluable.

I worked closely with college students for many years, and I saw first hand how destructive low self-esteem could be. It affected their relationships, who or how they would date, or the choices they made when it came to sex, drinking and drugs.

There are fewer tragedies than a woman who doesn’t understand her own worth.

She’s unable to see the beauty in just being a woman, the miracle of being born on this earth, and the belief that she has a purpose only she can fulfill.

Low self-esteem doesn’t care if you fit society’s view of beauty, how much you weigh, if you’re talented, intelligent, poor or wealthy.

She doesn’t discriminate because she was created in a lie, not founded in reality, but of circumstances, tragedies, abuse, or fear. A lie that eventually became a belief. A belief that will eventually inhibit you from being the miraculous human being you were meant to be.

So why me?

We weren’t born lacking self-worth. It takes convincing to separate us from our humanity. We must be taught. Perhaps our parents told us we would never be worth anything. Perhaps someone sexually abused us, teaching us that our body is simply an object. Perhaps we were told we were ugly so many times, we eventually believed it ourselves.

Perhaps we live in a society that creates an unattainable ideal that no one can live up to and we’re bombarded too often with images that remind us … we’re not good enough.

Low self-esteem is a sign that we’ve lost sight of our miraculous existence. That can be a very dangerous sign, indeed.

The dangers of low self-esteem

We often don’t give low self-esteem the respect it deserves. If left to its own devices, it can cause us to make choices that will have devastating effects on not only our lives, but the lives of those around us.

A woman who doesn’t believe she is worthy of love may only allow abusive or unhealthy relationships in her life. If she doesn’t believe she deserves better, she will never demand better.

A woman who believes her body has no value may offer it to all who will take it—all who want it—without ever considering what she wants.

A woman who doesn’t believe she is beautiful may hide herself behind extra weight, or baggy clothes to insure she goes unnoticed in the world. Or, she may do the opposite and desperately seek attention from anyone who will give it her. Anyone who will make her feel, even for just a moment, beautiful.

This is when self-esteem has power. We can take the power back.

Understanding the subconscious mind

How we feel about ourselves is a choice, although it often doesn’t feel that way. To better understand this, we need to understand the power of our subconscious mind. According to the late Florence Scovel-Shinn:

“The subconscious is simply power, without direction. It is like a stream of electricity, and it does what it is directed to do; it has no power of induction. Whatever man feels deeply or pictures clearly, is impressed upon the subconscious mind.”

If I believe I am worthless, then at one point I was presented with the idea that I was. Eventually this idea became a belief. Although it was a lie, perhaps it was believed because people I trusted told me so. Perhaps circumstances confirmed it to me. Regardless, the belief was stored away in my subconscious as a truth. Beliefs are assumed. I don’t think I’m worthless, I know I am. And my subconscious will cause me to live in a way that confirms that to be true.

The power of our subconscious is why our low self-esteem can have such a destructive hold on us. It is something so ingrained in us that we unknowingly make decisions limited by the lies of our subconscious.

I remember one young woman who felt she was unattractive and thought no man would love her as she was. She reflected on a sexual encounter she had with someone she barely knew. Her words were, “I have no idea why I slept with him. I knew he didn’t really want me, but I just did it anyway.”

There are times when we are baffled by our own behavior. More often than not, it’s because our subconscious did the decision making for us. If your subconscious does not believe you can be loved as you are, then it will decide that the only other option is to perform for something that seems like love, instead.

Transforming lies to truths

The truth is, your entire existence is miraculous. You are talented. You have purpose. You are beautiful, simply because you’re a human being who has the ability to do good in the world.

If you believe you’re anything less, then you must go to the root of where your self-doubt began. Perhaps it was during your childhood, your marriage, first job, or a party in college. Visualize that moment in your mind. Then confront it.

Be bold, speak out loud, “Although this moment happened to me, the belief I made about myself is not true. It is a lie. The truth is (fill awesome comment about yourself here).”

Think it. Speak it. Shout it. Every day.

This won’t be easy. Reconfiguring your belief system of yourself will be like disciplining an unruly child. It takes time, frequent correction and consistency.

If you’re at a cocktail party and your self-esteem starts throwing a tantrum because she thinks she’s the ugliest girl in the room, then remove her from the situation and put her in a time-out. Then, go look in the mirror and tell yourself, “I’m beautiful. Anything conflicting with that statement is a lie.”

Remember, your subconscious is simply storing information and guiding you based off images, experiences, information and beliefs. You get to control the information it receives. If you are correcting a long held belief, this may take time, but you will do it. Life is too short not too. Your life is too valuable to waste on lies.

As much as I’d like to, I can’t convince you of your beauty, your lovability and worthiness. You wouldn’t believe me if I tried. What I think doesn’t matter anyway.

You are a unique, priceless human being. This phenomenon in itself makes you worthy of every opportunity to experience a life filled with love and joy.

All you have to do is believe it.

Sources: Scovel-Shinn, F. (2009). The Game of Life and How to Play It. United States: Beacon Hill.

Anna Lind Thomas is the creator of The Hookup Column. Her work is the product of years researching hookup culture and female disenchantment. Follow her on Twitter @anna4thehookup

7 Ways to Increase Personal Satisfaction in Your Adult Friendships

December 6, 2010 by Guest Contributor

This guest post is by Tara E. Nusz , D.Ed., a school psychologist who blogs at Do These Kids Make Me Look Crazy?.

This morning my daughter told me that her best friend is a girl named Sarah. When I asked her why Sarah is her best friend, she answered, “Because we both have the same sneakers!”

I should probably mention that my daughter and her “best friend” are five years old.

image by lucasbite

They haven’t yet developed unrealistic expectations about interpersonal relationships. They’ve never defined themselves by whether their mother-in-law likes them, or how many positive reviews they’ve received from a supervisor, or whether all 306 of their Facebook friends acknowledged their birthday.

Once I exited my school years, I quickly realized that developing friendships as an adult is entirely different from fostering friendships in a high school or college setting.

As an adult, the opportunity to become acquainted with others is more limited. Sure, you might meet some interesting people in your work environment, but you’re also hampered by the need to meet deadlines, navigate professional alliances, and maintain professionalism.

Our interactions with others tend to be fraught with purpose; serving on the same committee at church, working together on a new project, or supervising a new employee.

And when we are lucky enough to form a friendship with another adult, sometimes it may feel as though this new relationship is not as emotionally satisfying as those from our childhood. Why is that? What can we do to increase our personal satisfaction with our adult friendships?

1. Recognize the positives in others and spend time with them in environments that allow them to shine.

Think of about some of your friends. What are some traits about them that you adore? My friend Rick tells hysterical stories at parties. Kathryn is a supportive friend, particularly when times are emotionally hard. Lisa is my only friend who will honestly tell me which clothes flatter my figure when we go shopping together.

Those are fantastic qualities. But expecting these positive traits to transcend environments and circumstances is unrealistic. While Rick may be a fantastic storyteller, he also tends to be a poor listener in a one-on-one conversation. So instead of being disappointed when I try to tell him about my rough week at work and he tunes me out, I stopped pouring my heart out to him.

Kathryn is very supportive, but tends to fade into the woodwork while in a group. Instead of being embarrassed by her lack of charisma when I attempt to introduce her to new friends, I try to set aside time for just the two of us.

Lisa is a fantastic shopping buddy, but her boisterous personality can be a little overwhelming when we spend more than two or three hours together. Therefore, we continue to enjoy shopping, but I decided not to invite her on an annual camping trip.

It’s not fair to expect all friends to be appealing in all circumstances. You’ll both just walk away disappointed. Instead, take time to notice the types of situations in which you most enjoy spending time with that friend, and plan accordingly.

2. Recognize that not every friendship is necessarily for the long term.

When I was completing my internship in school psychology, I quickly bonded with another intern who was sharing the same supervisor. Our supervisor was somewhat limited in his ability to mentor us, so we spent an inordinate amount of time searching for answers to our most pressing questions, critiquing each others’ work, and most importantly, venting about the day-to-day emotional burdens that result from working in the mental health field. Honestly, I’m not sure I would be the school psychologist I am today without her wisdom, quick wit, and calm demeanor.

But once our internships concluded, our friendship waned. Not from ill will or a lack of appreciation for one another. It was just time for us to move onto the next chapter of our lives, and finding time for one another in our busy schedules became less of a priority.

It’s important to recognize that friendships come and go based on our specific social or emotional needs at a particular point in our life. Consider these friendships to be blessings, albeit temporary, rather than relationship failures.

3. Establish equilibrium between give and take.

There have been numerous evenings during which I’ve sat with the phone pressed against my ear, listening to a friend pontificate about their latest woe. Maybe their job is stressful, their most recent love interest is unworthy, or their finances are in dire straights . . . again. While true friends don’t jump ship at the first sign of trouble, it’s also important to be choose friends who are contributing something to the relationship.

Situational stressors aside, does the friend on the other end of the phone ever ask how you are doing? Does he/she listen when you answer? Do they follow up with questions or comments about topics in which you’ve expressed an interest? If not, it may be time to invest in a friendship that is also emotionally satisfying for you.

4. Avoid drama.

All of us have had that friend . . . the dramatic one. The one who always seems to cause chaos in the group. The one who requires more attention than the others. The one who is quick to get angry/show jealousy/be competitive. The one who always makes you feel a bit stressed, rather than pleased, to see him or her.

If you find that you have a friend who makes you feel exhausted rather than animated, you may want to consider whether you have the time and emotional energy to exert on such a friendship. Your adult lifestyle, with its added demands of career and family, may not be conducive to maintaining a friendship that is fraught with turmoil. You may find yourself to be more content to spend time with friends who relieve your stress, rather than contribute to it.

5. Set boundaries.

Now that I have a spouse and children, the time I spend with my friends is even more treasured. It’s an escape; time to converse with a grown-up, time to eat without having to cut up a little person’s meat, time to speak frankly without the presence of an impressionable youth. But ultimately, the vast amount of my physical and emotional energy extends to my family. And as much as I love my friends, they are not members of my family. They shouldn’t expect me to drop everything to have a lengthy chat about mundane events, drive across town and show up unannounced for dinner, or weigh in on family matters.

It’s important to make time for your friends; after all, to have a friend you must be a friend. But consider setting boundaries; let a call go to voice mail if you’re busy with a family activity, make a point to extend invitations only to appropriate events, and restrain yourself from discussing topics which might encourage him/her to offer their unsolicited advice. Friendship is something that should enhance your life, not burden that of your family’s.

6. Recognize that your spouse doesn’t have to like your friends.

I have a friend who is funny, loving, boisterous, and harbors a complete lack of inhibitions. She’s the reason for which the phrase “too much information” was coined. I laugh harder with her than I do with nearly anyone else. But my husband finds her voice grating and her jokes tasteless. While this used to cause me no end of angst (how could the love of my life not appreciate such a loyal and vibrant personality?), I’ve come to accept the reality that it’s unlikely that my spouse is always going to appreciate the same qualities in a friend that I do.

Solution: we leave the dud, I mean, dad, at home and make time to get together at our favorite restaurant once a month. We get to share a bottle of wine and laugh without regard for others and he’s content to have the house to himself for the evening. Win-win.

7. Allow your friends to meet a need your spouse or family cannot.

Prior to the birth of my first child, I met another expectant parent while sitting in the waiting room at our doctor’s office. Our friendship quickly blossomed due to our common condition and we spent hours mulling over baby products, perusing baby name books, and comparing notes about pediatricians. She was a fantastic outlet for all of my baby-related obsessions. I suspect that without her, my husband would have been driven insane by my new-parent fretting. To this day, we both tend to gravitate toward one another whenever our children are about to conquer a new milestone.

Recognizing the importance of developing friendships that meet a particular emotional need is extremely valuable, particularly when your spouse or family members are unable to meet that need. For example, you may have a friend who motivates you to train for a marathon, accompanies you to your favorite horror films, or attends a self-improvement group. It’s important to value yourself enough to find a way to meet your needs, rather than overlooking them due to your partner’s inability to empathize or share a common interest.

I’d love to hear about your overall satisfaction with your adult relationships . . . what makes them work? How do they differ from friendships from your childhood?