Happily ever after? That’s just a fairytale. And it’s not only Disney that continues to perpetuate the myth. Hollywood has played its part too.

We are saturated with images of happy couples at the end of movies—after a few stumbling blocks early on in the relationship, there is a culmination of soaring violins, and a promise that the two went on to live happily ever after, together, forever. Smooth sailing and blue skies, cute bunnies and rainbows.

It’s simply not possible.

The first problem with this scenario is that it makes us think that if we’ve found “the one,” there will never be another problem again. That person “completes us” and “makes us happy,” and it all happens seamlessly.

So of course, at the first sign of a problem in our relationship we stop, and we begin to question. Maybe this isn’t meant-to-be love. Maybe we got it wrong. Maybe “the one” is still out there somewhere!

So we move on to our next princess or knight in shining armor, looking for the package deal that comes complete with a white picket fence.

Let me tell you now, if you’re looking for perfection, it does not exist. What you may need is a readjustment of your expectations.

Author Lori Gottlieb had the realization too late, prompting her to write controversial piece: Marry Him! The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.

At 40, Gottlieb found herself still single, mother to a child she had conceived via sperm donation, and still seeking Mr. Right.

On reflection, she decided that any number of men she’d dated in the past would have been suitable for her. At the time, though, she discarded them because they didn’t tick enough of her boxes.

It’s a story repeated many times over in this world: people wait for their perfect match only to discover that person’s never coming. Or they got snatched up by someone else years ago.

Perhaps a little compromise of ideals is in order. It’s almost a dirty word: compromise. But it really doesn’t have to be.

I gave comment on this very subject in an insightful piece, “True Romance,” that Rachel Hills wrote for Sunday Life Magazine.

If a potential love interest checks even 50% of your tick-boxes, then there is potential to build a loving, solid relationship from there. Just because a person isn’t as sporty or as literary as you might have dreamed is no reason to discard them upfront.

There are, of course, some things one should never compromise on. You must have the same moral values, family values, and similar goals in life.

Everything else? That’s negotiable.

No matter who you end up with, you will have to work hard at creating a relationship. There will be ups and there will be downs, there will be happy and sad and frustrating times. But that’s what makes a relationship a journey.

And that’s why I wouldn’t even want happily ever after. That’s the romantic equivalent of a road trip on a straight, flat freeway.  Give me a picturesque mountain range any day.

I believe relationships need to be run a little bit like businesses.

Aside from the weekly meetings (aka “date night”), the lodging of the finances (“You spent how much on shoes?”…“They were an important marketing expense!”), and the internal memos (“Please pick the towels up from the bathroom floor. Sincerely, the CEO”), there is one outstandingly obvious thing that both businesses and relationships need to function efficiently:

A Vision Statement.

Couples—like any team—work best when they have goals to work towards.

Without them, partners tend to flounder around like blind mole rats, bumping into walls, falling by the wayside, and such things.

Whether it’s a wedding, a house, or a dream holiday, I firmly believe couples that have goals to work towards together, flourish. A goal keeps you on the same track, and it gives you a sense of purpose and, ultimately, achievement.

Quite naturally, couples in the early stages of relationships will have regular goals stretching in front of them. Moving in together, finding houses, planning weddings,  and having children are all possible tick-boxes from early on in couplehood.

But after those things have been accomplished, what do we really have to bring us together?

Perhaps it’s time for the annual business planning retreat.

Just to be clear, in life you will have your own personal goals—these should still be honored as your own private things to work on separately from your relationship goals.

A relationship goal is something that inspires the both of you. It’s something big that you can both plan for and look forward to together.

Of course, all good goals are SMART. Be specific about what you’re trying to achieve together, and make sure the end result is measurable (how will you know when you’ve made it to your goal?), achievable, and realistic (nothing is more defeating than not being able to make a goal you set yourself! Make sure you don’t ask too much of yourselves!), as well as timely (when will you have your goal completed by?).

I think ideally when it comes to time frame, your relationship goal should be something you can complete within 12 months to two years. Once it’s been achieved, sit down together and work out a new one.

Participate in a marathon, triathlon, or bike ride

If you’re active types, sit down together and pick an upcoming event—a fun run, a walk, a bike ride, or a triathlon—and set up a training schedule together. You’ll spend time each week working towards your fitness goals as a team, motivating each other, and training together.

The adrenalin rush of competing on the day will last long past the finish line! Plus, think of all the fun you could have with your (very toned) bodies once it’s over!

Plan a holiday

Make it more than just a holiday—plan your dream holiday! Start by dreaming together over a stack of travel brochures … if you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? What would you do when you got there? How much money would you need to take?

Put all the wheels in motion—set up your goals for the trip, visit the travel agent, and work out what you need to do to make it happen!

And save. Set up a separate bank account called “Our Holiday” and schedule a savings plan. It may not be a reality straight away, but if you don’t start now, when will you?

Learn a language

Pick a language that the both of you would love to learn but never have.

Perhaps a language of love? Italian, French and Spanish are all very sexy choices! Or learn the language of a place you’d love to visit together one day. Sign yourselves up to a community college class together. You’ll be perfect study partners, spending nights on the couch whispering sweet nothings in foreign tongues!

Take a class together

Find a short course in something that interests you both. The options are endless!

Photography, music, dancing, wine and food appreciation, yoga … check out your local community college or adult education establishment to see what they offer. Learning new things together sparks dopamine and norephrithrane hormones, patterning the same brain chemistry as when you first fell in love. That means you’ll be high on tummy-butterflies for weeks to come!

Boost your savings

Name a figure you want to see in your bank account, then work towards it! Decide what it’s for, and make it something that you both want, be it a deposit on a house, a big-ticket furniture item, or a car. Sit down and develop a savings plan that works for the both of you.

Make sure that once you hit your dream figure and purchase your goal item, you celebrate in style together! Take some of that hard-earned cash and splash out on a romantic night for two!

Do you and your partner set goals together? What’s been your favorite?

This post is by Dennis Miedema of Win With Women.

Imagine combining work and dating so you could meet your very own Angelina Jolie while you’re still climbing the corporate ladder. Wouldn’t that be a dream come true?

Let’s face it: it’s frustrating to come home to an empty, lonely house, only to realize that your job is so soul-sucking that you have zero energy left to go out and meet women.

But what if there was a way to combine work and dating? Imagine not driving home, but floating home, feeling proud that you put in 40+ hours of work this week and still managed to get a few phone numbers and dates.

Step1: Quit the routines

Do you remember how many people wore red last time you went to the store? No? No one does.

If you repeat any activity often enough, it becomes a routine, and that means you stop paying attention to it. Daily routines, obligations, and morning rituals are all routines.

Routines are bad news if you want to combine work and dating. Why? Because you don’t realize what’s going on around you. You programmed yourself to do one thing, and that’s it.

The result: you walk right past that cute brunette you could have talked to if you were paying attention. You didn’t even see her, did you?

There are lots of times when this happens: on your way to work, during lunch break, on your way home, on your way to the supermarket … The list goes on, and on, and on.

If you want to combine work and dating, then make practical use of your time. Talk to women on your way to work, during your lunch break, and so on.

Cut the routines. Start looking around again. Wake up!

Step 2: Start talking

What do us men do when women look our way? Often, we assume they’re looking at someone or something behind us. Or that they accidentally looked our way. Or maybe even that we must look funny somehow.

The average human eye needs less than half a second to recognize its surroundings. Within a second our body reacts to what we see.

So when that fine lady over there looks your way for longer than a second, it means something. It means she could be interested. All you have to do is smile, and if she smiles back? Start talking.

While you’re worrying about how you’ll feel if you walk up to a woman and find she doesn’t want to talk to you, keep this in mind: most of us human beings feel rejected when we make eye contact with others, and they don’t act on it. It’s worth the risk: I promise. Count the number of times a day when women look your way for a couple seconds. You’ll be surprised—shocked even. You can meet all of them if you want to!

Fellas, wake up and start seeing what’s going on. And do something useful with your lunch time and your commute, won’t you?

Dennis Miedema is known for sharing no-nonsense tips for men to improve their love life and social life on his Win With Women blog, for his coffee and movie addictions, and for his brutal sarcasm that makes even the crappiest moments in life put a smile on your face.

It looks like a good argument with your spouse can be not only good for your relationship, but also good for your health.

As the findings say: “Preliminary results of a University of Michigan study suggest that couples where both the husband and wife suppress their anger when one attacks the other die earlier than members of couples where one or both partners express their anger and resolve the conflict.”

Better out than in!

The key message from this study is that couples need to know how to manage conflict when it arises to be sure all problems are dealt with quickly and effectively, instead of leaving resentment simmering below the surface where it causes more harm to not only your relationship, but to yourself.

Releasing the emotions when they arise is a better option than holding them in for the sake of some immediate peace.

Unfortunately, no one trains us on how to argue with each other.

And if you’re anything like me, you’d much rather keep the peace than engage in romantic warfare.

Some people have good parents to model from. And this is a great note for parents too—if you are effective at arguing, it may be beneficial not to hide arguments from your children. Let them see you resolving problems in a mature way, and it will set them in good stead for their own lives. (But it might be best to read this MSNBC article about it before trying it at home.)

If you’re not so fortunate to be a natural debater (say you’re more of a plate-thrower or a stonewaller), here are some tips to keep in mind for your next argument.

Focus on the immediate topic

You know those arguments that start out about the wet towel left on the bathroom floor, but then suddenly morph to an all-out about how you never liked his parents anyway?

Well firstly, those arguments are a result of letting things fester. If you’d argued way back when about the in-laws factor, you wouldn’t need to bring it up now.

Try and stick to the topic at hand and don’t start airing out the blacklist of habits and grievances from the last five years of your lives together.

Don’t fight dirty

Going right for the jugular by dragging out things you know your partner is sensitive about, or calling them awful names, is not on. You may be angry, but your partner still deserves your respect.

Remember, words you throw at them during the heat of the moment will be remembered long afterwards. Keep a respectful tone and make sure you listen to your partner’s opinion as well. You will both have your own thoughts and feelings on the matter and they all need to be spoken.

Just because you’re listening to your partner’s opinion doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. But repeating back to them what they’ve said is a good way of showing them that you understand where they’re coming from. Showing that you’ve received the message this way will stop your partner from having to yell to be “heard.”

Take your time

There’s nothing wrong with taking some time to gather your thoughts and then coming back to the argument. Don’t leave it too long, but if you need to take time out from the discussion, feel free to do so.

Once you’ve both had a chance to cool down, you’re more likely to be able to talk rationally and to come to a win-win situation—which is the ideal outcome.

What’s your fighting style? Don’t be shy to admit you may not always get it right—it does take practice, and a good dose of self-control as well.

Valentine’s Day is coming!

Also known as Singles Awareness Day to many, this is one day of the year that can make your heart soar or drop you to new lows, depending on what your expectations are and what your frame of mind might be.

So powerful are the clutches of Cupid on Valentine’s Day that many have taken to shunning it altogether. Ugly words like “commercialism” and “tacky” and “one-hundred-and-twenty-bucks-for-a-dozen-red-roses” are flung around by nay-sayers who have written off the day in favor of “doing nothing” to celebrate.

You know guys, when a woman tells you she doesn’t want anything for Valentine’s Day, it’s a trap!

Run! Run now and get a shovel to start digging your way out of the hole you’re about to fall into.

Hopefully you’re reading this post with a few days to spare, so you can turn this romantic almost-disaster around.

If you’ve already got Valentine’s Day planned, perhaps a few well-timed hints will help make the day extra-special.

Don’t make it expensive, make it thoughtful

Yes, the roses will be overpriced. Plus, anyone can think of giving red roses on Valentine’s Day. They’re classic and they’re beautiful, but they’re not very original.

Consider getting your partner something that is personalized just for them. It needn’t be a big gift … or even a gift at all!

You probably know your partner pretty well by now (here’s hoping!). What’s their love language?

Perhaps they’d like to spend some Quality Time with you (a picnic in the park or a trip to an art gallery) or they’re into Acts of Service (nothing says “I love you” like cleaning the house and then drawing them a hot bubble bath, complete with soft candlelight and a glass of champagne), or maybe they like Words of Affirmation (a handwritten love letter, a poem, or a beautiful card they can keep) … are you catching my drift?

It might be as small as bringing home their favorite brand of chocolate and a DVD they love. Or as grand as a three-course home-made dinner.

Put in some thought and some effort and they’ll melt to a puddle of goo right before your eyes.

Whatever you do, stay away from the crowds

If you’re not into Valentine’s Day, the last place you want to be is right in among the tables of two lined up in restaurants, striving to have a good Valentine’s Day. Find something quirky or off-beat to do that also affords you a bit of privacy. A stroll on the beach and a fish-and-chip picnic. A great ethnic restaurant. The drive-ins!

This goes for singles too. If you head out on Valentine’s Day, do it with other friends. And go to the least romantic place you can think of: the bowling alley, a skating rink … a horror movie!

Lower those expectations

Just reach above your head for a moment (you may need a ladder!) and grab hold of those Valentine’s Day expectations. Now wrench them back down to a reasonable level for me.

I once met a girl who—without fail—would scream, curse, and sob if her boyfriend-of-the-moment didn’t act “appropriately” on Valentine’s Day.

By “appropriately” she meant “Wake me up with breakfast in bed, then by the time I get to work there better be roses waiting on my desk with a lovely card. And then book an expensive romantic restaurant for dinner and present me with jewelery” (preferably a diamond ring in her champagne, I’m sure).

That’s an extreme example, but just ask yourself ahead of time what you are expecting for Valentine’s Day.

Some people will say “nothing” when they really meant “something”, and then you’ll spend the day asking them, “What’s wrong?” (They will probably sullenly repeat “nothing”—or, worse, “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.”)

If you are really attached to a certain something that might happen on Valentine’s Day, you need to speak up. Your partner isn’t a mind-reader. Either let them know what plans you’d like to make, or make the plans yourself for the two of you. That way you’re sure to have the Valentine’s Day you’re secretly dreaming of.

What are your Valentine’s or Singles Awareness Day plans?

This post is by Marly McMillen of NamelyMarly.

I’m in an online group forum that reminds me of a mismatched pink sock. It’s one of those forums that delivers hundreds of mindless emails to my account. Usually I delete them with hardly a glance, all the while wondering why I just don’t unsubscribe. It’s like that darn pink sock. I should just get rid of it.

But one day, someone made a comment on that forum that caught my attention. It was something to this effect, “No matter what happens, you should never burn a bridge.”

A simple comment, but it played the pinball circuit in my brain the rest of the afternoon. And through the remainder of the week. We should never burn bridges. What an interesting thing to say so absolutely.

Aren’t there times when burning a bridge could be a good thing? As Don Henley once said, “Sometimes you get the best light from a burning bridge.”

What does it mean exactly to burn a bridge? The Urban Dictionary defines burning a bridge as “cutting off all ties in a relationship; to burn a bridge means to be completely done with something.”

I don’t know why but the burning bridge theme made me think of Sherron Watkins, the famous whistleblower at Enron. What would have happened to her or countless others had she not spoken up about the infamous indiscretions of her employer?

Before you answer that question, be aware of this little tidbit, whistleblowers are without a doubt burning bridges. In fact, statistics show that most people who choose to blow the whistle at their place of employment face a trifecta of bad outcomes: they’re either demoted, fired, or they resign (from the internal pressure) within a year.

Translation? That bridge is burned.

But whistleblowers also serve a greater good. According to the US’s National Whistleblower’s Center, whistleblowers are the “single most important corporate resource for detecting and preventing fraud.” They’re basically heroes. And most of them don’t end up on the cover of Time magazine like Ms. Watkins. No, most whistleblowers are unsung heroes who suffer persecution.

Redirection, not retribution

I can think of 99 reasons of out a 100 why most of the time we should find ways to cross a bridge rather than burn it. In fact, most relationships—be they work or personal—have something in them that’s worth salvaging. If not for today, then they have the potential for some greater good at a future point in time.

The trick is knowing when it’s time to salvage or move on. Here are a few examples of both.

The annoying boss

Your boss may cause steam to spout from your ears (think: Bugs Bunny) but that’s not necessarily a reason to burn a bridge. It is, however, a sign that it might be time to dust off that suit and start looking for another job. You may be grateful to be able to use that boss as a reference after you’ve moved on.

The boundless friend

If you have a friend who doesn’t understand boundaries, it’s time to redirect. Be very clear with your friend what your boundaries are—don’t call after 10pm, or no more late-night parties. Whatever the expectation is, as long as you’re being reasonable, then your friend should be respectful of those boundaries. If after several reminders they still don’t get it, it might be time to move on.

The constant critic

You have an internal critic that lives in your head. Maybe it’s the voice of your second-grade teacher telling you how incompetent you are or your older brother who reminds you at every turn that you’re stupid. This is one time where you should burn that bridge with abandon. Like Madonna says, “strike a match, there’s nothing to it.” Tell your inner critic goodbye and replace his or her voice with some positive mantras of peace and love!

The politically incorrect friend

In today’s increasingly acerbic climate, you might have a friend or family member of the opposite political persuasion who constantly tries to engage you in a word war. Remind him or her that you care about them, and you don’t want the conversation to deteriorate into a shouting match. Do your best to salvage by avoiding any land mines thrown your way, but be prepared. If you reach the point where there are more missiles than missives, you may have to negotiate a peace treaty. Agree on the subjects you will and will not talk about in the future.

The bad habit

You should definitely consider burning the bridge on a bad habit that’s been hanging around for years. Smoking? Overeating? Gambling? You know what it is that has a grip on your life. The idea of burning a bridge is really about moving on to new territory and there’s evidence to suggest that replacing an old vice with a new passion is a great way to finally break free.

So you see, there are times when you can cross over and build a better and stronger bridge in the process. But there are also other times, when a new direction without the possibility of return is the only way to go.

Just think. All of this from one comment out of a thousand from an online forum. That forum is just like my mismatched pink sock. I don’t know why I keep it, but there’s a one in a thousand chance that I’ll be glad it’s there some day.

Marly McMillen has a passion for life, family, vegan food, and names. She writes about all of these and more on her site at NamelyMarly. Marly’s podcast, NamelyMarly, can be found on iTunes, where she interviews people about their names. The people she interviews include famous authors, models, and even the people she meets at the park. Marly is also passionate about healthy food and shares vegan recipes as well.

Are you loving your partner the right way? It’s a funny question, isn’t it? I mean, there is no right way to love someone. I don’t want you to think I have a formula sitting here that you can follow like a recipe.

But there is a right way to love a person: according to how they like to be loved.

You see, everyone responds differently to different love stimuli. Some people like to be told they are loved, over and over. Some people like to be hugged and kissed to be shown they’re loved.

There are, in fact, five different Love Languages that author Gary Chapman has coined in his book, called (you guessed it!) The 5 Love Languages.

Do you know which love language your partner speaks?

Everyone has a primary Love Language that they identify with most, just like a native tongue. We may have secondary languages, but they won’t resonate for us as much as our primary language does.

We learned our own Love Language through our childhood—usually because that’s the way our parents showed us love. (Sometimes, because it’s the opposite of what they showed us.)

My own mother, for example, was not hugged or touched or kissed a lot as a child. In turn, she decided she would lavish her own children with physical love as much as possible. She used to carry me around in a baby pouch as she did the housework, just so I’d be close to her.

As it turns out, I’m now a sucker for a cuddle. I touch people all the time when I talk to them (which freaks some people out) and I would happily lash myself to my husband all day, every day, if he’d let me.

Unfortunately for me, he’s not into that kind of love quite so much as I am.

He prefers another Love Language of Chapman’s: Acts of Service. Growing up in a household with European parents, there not many declarations of love, but many more dinners cooked, rooms cleaned, and buttons sewed.

My husband knows he’s loved when things are done for him (which, to be honest, sounded like a cop-out, sexist Love Language if ever I’d heard one, but it’s actually not. Chapman assures us in his book that it’s quite valid.).

So, he loves it when I cook him dinner or do his washing … and if I happen to vacuum the house? My, my is he a happy camper!

In return, he naturally shows his love for me by formatting my hard drive or putting oil in my car.

Of course, I’d prefer a simple hug and a kiss, which is where language discrepancies can come in. He might spend hours poring over my broken computer to fix it. Meanwhile, I may be feeling unloved because I haven’t had a hug in a while and he’s ignoring me while he focuses on the computer.

If you’re not speaking the same Love Language as your partner, then chances are you’re having a miscommunication. Perhaps you keep trying to tell them how much you adore them, when all they want is for you to make them breakfast every now and then.

Let’s backtrack for a minute and talk about the five different languages as identified by Chapman:

Quality Time people need you to set aside specific time to spend with them (date night, anyone?!) and will do the same for you no matter how busy they are.

Words of Affirmation lovers crave constant encouragement from their partners, while Gifts people love to buy and receive little tokens of gift-wrapped love.

The Physical Touch people (like me) crave hugs and kisses, and the Acts of Service types love you to do things for them, and will do things for you to show you their love.

You can probably pick which Love Language you prefer just from the above short description. If not, you can go and take the assessment quiz over at Chapman’s website.

The most important part of all

The important thing to remember is that if you and your partner are speaking different languages, you may find it hard to understand each other.

One of the nicest things you can do for your relationship is truly understand each other.

I urge you to find out what Love Language you both speak, then do whatever is necessary—in his or her language—to make sure your partner feels loved and appreciated regularly. And let them know what your Love Language is too.

It may take some effort, but once you see how your partner glows when you do something for them that truly lets them know they’re loved, you’ll know it’s worth it.

Romance is a tricky thing. We know that most women feel they don’t get enough of it. A lot of men aren’t sure how to go about it. And, above all, everyone has a different version of it. So today, we’re asking:

What’s your definition of “romance”?

Once upon a time—when you were a teenager, perhaps—romance was all stuffed teddy bears and armfuls of red roses dotted with baby’s breath.

Once, I was given a bear on a stick. I’m sure I swooned at the time as my mother snickered at the teenage-boy version of What Is Romantic.

In today’s cynical world, most of those classic romantic gestures can seem a little … oh, I don’t know. Should we say “tacky”? “Cheesy”? “Forced”? They definitely don’t carry much street cred.

It’s a shame the world is becoming so jaded, but then again, you have to move with the times.

While researching a love and romance website once, I read that a great date night with your sweetie would be to spend an hour staring into each others’ eyes at sunset. I don’t know about you, but I think after five minutes of that, I’d want to stick a fork into my eye.

That’s not to say I’m not a romantic. I am! A hopeless romantic, in fact. I still love candlelight and violins and The Notebook. I just happen to think we need to update our definition of romance for modern times.

The key feature of romance is that it’s impractical and flighty. A kiss in the rain, for example, is still a romantic notion (the fact that you don’t care that you’re being rained on, you just want to steal a moment with your sweetie is breathtaking!). Buying your girlfriend a new set of tires for her car, however, is not.

I think romance is also thoughtful. It’s knowing what your partner likes and surprising them with it for no reason at all. Like bringing home their favorite chocolate bar. Or showing up at their work with a picnic lunch.

I’d love to hear your thoughts. What’s the most romantic thing that’s ever happened to you? Do you think traditional romantic gestures have had their day? What’s your definition of romance?

Date Night. You know you should. You know you want to.

How long has it been since you and your partner went out alone together for a lovely date? A month? Six months? Maybe a year?

Who has the time, right? Not to mention the energy!

You logged fifty hours at your job this week, then had to jump on your computer once you were home to check your emails and catch up with your colleagues who are in a different time zone.

Or you spent all day with your small children and can’t find or afford baby-sitting for them while you go on date night. Plus: you’re tired. And you feel bad leaving the kids just so you can go have a good time.

Or perhaps you just prefer couch time at night—a great way to relieve all the stresses of the working day. You’re really into the new American Idol, what with their revamped judging panel featuring J-Lo herself, and be damned if you’re going to miss an episode.

We’ve never been busier as a society, but you have to wonder at what cost.

The truth is, if you don’t take the time for date night, you’ll never have the time for date night.

It’s a matter of prioritizing your relationship as an important part of your life—just as important as work, just as important as spending time with your children—which I know is hard to do when we have so many commitments and so few hours in the day.

How relationship ruts happen

Let’s backtrack for a minute, because relationships never start off in a rut.

When we first fall in love, spending time together is no effort at all. We are like magnets, drawn in to each other again and again while we court.

We have boundless energy, talking for hours late into the night about our hopes, dreams, and fondest moments. We are spontaneous, fun, crazy, and drunk with love.

Well actually, we’re drunk on hormones.

That rush of love you experience is a heady cocktail of feel-good hormones, delivering you these surges of energy. It has even been mapped in a brain scanner by Dr. Helen Fisher, who recently discovered the path love takes for every couple.

At any stage between six and 18 months in every relationship, these hormones quietly and quite naturally fade away, making room for new ones. These new hormones are lovely too, but not quite as flamboyant as that first burst of love.

Instead, they act to bond us to each other, make us devoted to and protective of our partner. In short, these are the hormones we need to sustain a long-term relationship. But unfortunately as they creep in, the energy and bounce of early courtship dissipates. We become much more content to sit on the couch and watch television. We become tired easily and turn into a Boring Old Married Couple.

The danger here is that you start to drift apart, spending less quality time together, not engaging or conversing as often, and growing in opposite directions. This leaves you and your relationship vulnerable to arguments, resentment, and affairs. You are less likely to look after each other or support each other.

If you do have a young family, the unhappy marriage creates extra strain on the family unit.

What’s the good news?

The good news is that we can do something about all of this. Experts agree that the way to keep your marriage a priority is to spend time together.

A regular date night is the most obvious answer. Make date night a ritual. A habit. This date night should be treated like any of your work commitments: given priority and booked in advance.

Here are four easy steps to help you start your date nights as a couple today.

1. Get your partner on board

Let your sweetie know you’d like to spend more quality time with them.

You can sit down and have a frank conversation at home if you think they’ll respond well. Or you can really back up your actions and take them on a surprise date, then talk to them about it there.

Perhaps call them at work and ask if they’d like to have dinner/a picnic/go to the movies with you. Have them meet you at the destination if you can—it will re-conjure memories of your early dates together. See if you can inspire them to agree to make regular date nights happen, no matter what.

2. Decide which night will be date night

Whether you decide together that date night should be every week, every fortnight, or once a month, make it a regular time you can stick to. Then you will know that every Wednesday, for example, should be kept free for date night. Make that time sacred.

Nothing should get in the way of date night—remember, your relationship is now a priority too.

If you absolutely have to schedule something else on date night, call your partner immediately to ask if you can reschedule date night to another night that week.

3. Both of you take responsibility

Take it in turns to organize the night’s activities so that you are taking each other on dates, and not just having one partner do all the work.

4. Do new things every time

Visiting the same old favorite restaurant every week, ordering the same dish from the menu that you know you love? I don’t think so!

What we now know is that simply spending time together is probably not enough to keep your relationship solid. In 2008, Arthur P. Aron found that it is doing new things together as a couple that keeps our relationships alive. Novel experiences shared with your partner spark the same brain chemistry as when you first fell in love—all those exciting, spontaneous hormones we talked about earlier can actually spike again.

It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture every week. Try a new restaurant, a new cuisine, go for a picnic, go ten pin bowling, play pool in a seedy pub … as long as it’s not something you always do, go for it!

Make date night your resolution

Many couples I speak to love the idea of a regular date night, but don’t seem to think they can make it work for them. Or with great intentions, they begin regular date nights but can’t sustain it longer than a few weeks. If there is one New Year’s resolution you keep this year, let it be date night. And if a week or two slips by and you miss a date, don’t worry. Just jump back on the date night horse! Your relationship will thank you for it.

Do you and your partner date each other? Do you think you should? What difference do you think it makes in your relationship?