We spoke last week about Surviving an Affair. I was talking about the topic with a friend over coffee the other day and another great offshoot of it came up: the Emotional Affair.

These are affairs that you may not even realize you’re having. Because technically, you’re not breaking any rules. There’s been no swapping of saliva, no one’s seen anyone naked (except maybe in your daydreams) … you may tell yourself you’re just good friends, even though you know you’re thinking about this person a bit too much.

If this all sounds familiar and you think you’re not doing anything dangerous, you’d be wrong.

Not only are these affairs the precursor to a full-blown, rolling-between-the-sheets adulterous kind, but even if you never get to that stage, you’ve already broken your partner’s trust.

How? You’re getting your emotional needs met by someone else, and in the process you are probably lying to your partner about the nature of this “friendship” you spend so much time on.

According to The Emotional Affair, there are three things every emotional affair has in common:

Emotional intimacy: Transgressors share more of their inner self, frustrations, and triumphs than with their spouses. They are on a slippery slope when they begin sharing the dissatisfaction with their marriage with a co-worker.

Secrecy and deception: They neglect to say, We meet every morning for coffee. Once the lying starts, the intimacy shifts farther away from the marriage.

Sexual chemistry: Even though the two may not act on the chemistry, there is at least an unacknowledged sexual attraction.

An emotional affair often starts as a friendship, perhaps with a co-worker or with a long-lost friend you’ve reconnected with on Facebook.

Your partner may not feel like they have a right to put an end to your “friendship” with this person. They might not even be aware that there’s anything going on. You may have made them believe that their intuitive jealousy is petty.

You may have been telling yourself that you’re not doing anything wrong. But if the above sounds familiar, then you need to stop. Now. Before it gets worse.

Emotional affairs may not be about sex, but you’re definitely looking for something. Instead of looking outside your relationship, pour all that energy back into refocusing on your partner and your connection with them. Before you make a big mistake.

Have you had, or heard of, an emotional affair? What are your thoughts?

This post was written by Dan Blakely of Simplicity Tree.

Do you ever feel like you’re on auto-pilot? A lot of us move through life and simply pass by the moments of joy without pausing, forgetting to unplug. Instead we look forward toward the future. Well, I suggest that the next time your son scores a run, your spouse finishes that piece of art or you see your daughter finally mastering the art of zipping her own coat that you pause for a moment… Look at the expression on their faces and memorize it. Smell the air—is it sweet or fresh? Take it all in.

Creating memories as your currency

Memorize all the salient details of that moment, because these are truly the diamonds of our lives, to be absorbed into the deepest parts of our soul. These are the moments we will look back to in times of grief, the moments we will see in our mind’s eye in times of gentle reflection. These are the memories we will most fondly recall at the end of our days. These are the currency of our souls!

Many people spend much of their lives chasing money or trying to keep up with the fabled Joneses. Do we really need the excessive amounts of money and things that Americans pursue daily? I think you know my answer. Instead, why not spend our time chasing these precious, fleeting moments or arranging our lives so that we create these simple memories with our loved ones as frequently as possible?

This may mean different things—it could be changing careers, reevaluating what is important, or simply eliminating that nasty habit of multi-tasking. Strive for this on a daily basis, and you will be personally richer.

The only investment is you

The simple beauty of this approach is that these memories come at virtually no cost other than the investment of our time, attention to the moment, and dedication to our loved ones. I would argue we owe this to our loved ones anyway. We owe it to them to live in the moment—and we owe it to ourselves to be fully present and absorb the warm richness of these experiences. We deserve these memories. We deserve to live without regrets.

We all have the capacity to achieve this mindset—we just need the right motivation and determination to turn it into reality. However, that motivation and determination are very personal to each of us and they are necessary ingredients for change. You may not have one or both of these ingredients today but as you continue to explore, you will find a time when they do—and you will finally make a breakthrough. The point is that you have to mentally be ready to make this change, and have a reason to persevere.

Tips to get in the moment

I am confident that each of us can do more to be present in the moment and live more. However, making changes stick takes time and patience. The good news is that here, the rewards really are unlimited. If you are having a hard time thinking about how to live more in the moment, here are a few ideas that might help you get started.

Live in the present moment and focus on details

There were times in the past when I’d arrive at work and couldn’t remember the commute, or I’d attend a school event for one of my kids and just think about when it would be over. This is mostly a thing of the past for me, but I still slip at times. When I do, I simply take a deep breath and refocus on the world and people around me.

I try hard to stay intent in the moment and these days, I notice details that a couple of years ago I would not have: the smell of a fireplace on a foggy morning, simple colors on the horizon on a crisp spring morning, or my daughter’s beautiful smile as she talks to her friends after school.

Be emotionally available to others

My wife often tells me that I have to take the time to take care of myself in order for me to take care of others. (She’s smart! I knew I married her for good reason!) Point is that I often get into ruts of not taking the time to recharge my own energy levels. Over a period of time, that can drain my energy and make me negative and impatient.

I now take time to rejuvenate my mind and body so that I can be available for others.

Foster relationships based on love, compassion, and openness

Closely tied to the idea of being emotionally available is our approach to the people around us. For me, this really boils down to being positive, patient, and thoughtful about the circumstances that others may unfortunately find themselves in. It means holding back judgment of others and trying to grasp a better understanding of their particular situation or point of view.

I try to avoid the haters and trolls, as those types of people just pull me into a place that I do not want to be.

Approach life from a perspective of abundance

Being raised in a competitive environment, I operated for much of my life from the belief that everything in life was a competition. You were either a winner or loser, a have or a have-not. Although true with sports to some degree, it does not have to be that way in life.

In the past I would have thought there was only one promotion and I had to “win” it, but now I look at the world differently. That promotion is just one of numerous choices and if I do not get it, there will be other opportunities.

Have a singular focus to absorb the beauty of these fleeting moments

I now avoid multi-tasking and stay in tune with what I am doing. This singular focus has been key for me—I am more efficient and more productive, and I output higher quality results. In the past, I had been known to have my Blackberry in one had responding to an email while having a conversation with my wife. Not any more. Now I work hard to do and focus on one thing at a time.

These are just ideas though—it’s what works for me. This is a home-cooking recipe so mix it up to meet your needs and your personality.

The art of being present needs to be mastered by you based on your personal situation. However, the most important ingredient that must always be there is you must focus on being present in the moment. Not on your cell, not on your laptop, not watching TV—you need to be engaged with the humans around you.

Are you present in your life?

This article was written by Dan Blakely. Dan is the author of Simplicity Tree—a simple living blog focused on living in a simple, thoughtful and sustainable way. You can follow Dan on Twitter at @SimplicityTree.

This post is by Bernice Wood of Living the Balanced Life.

When you come up against negative things in life, what do you do? Most of us react. We do the first thing that comes to mind. It’s probably not the right thing. We may also feel rising negative emotions that can get the best of us.

On the other hand, if we are a little more secure, with a degree of emotional intelligence, we will probably respond instead of react.

“What’s the difference?” you may ask.

According to Dictionary.com:

• to react: to act in an opposing or contrary manner
• to respond: to react favorably

Let’s look at a common way these words—respond and react—are used.

When you take an antibiotic for an illness, you are hoping for your body to respond to the medicine: to act accordingly, to have a positive effect on your body, to create change for the good.

If, however, your body reacts, or has a reaction (sometimes known as an allergic reaction) to the medicine, it is rebelling against it. It doesn’t want it, it is rejecting it, and acting harshly because of it.

Now, obviously, we can’t control whether our bodies respond or react to medication. We would all hope for response rather than reaction.

However, we can have control over whether we respond or react to the negative things that come our way.

5 Ways to respond instead of react

1. Take a deep breath and tell yourself this is not a personal attack.
2. Realize that what has happened has already happened, and you cannot change that fact. All you can do is move forward from this point.
3. Decide what your next steps or words will be in this situation.
4. See if there is anything you need to do differently to avoid this in the future, or is there something you need to learn from this experience?
5. Release the occurrence to God, the universe, or whomever you need to, and move on.

Understanding this process has been very helpful to me as I work to overcome a mental meltdown last year and lingering anxiety. One short sentence has helped me very much:

Whatever is, is.

What helps you to respond, rather than react?

Bernice Wood is Mom to 4 young adults and Nana to 7 grandchildren. She began blogging to journal her personal struggles and life changes, and she recently launched Living the Balanced Life to help others avoid the pitfalls of stress and burnout and learn to live a more healthy life.

This article caught my eye last week. The writer’s close friend has found out her husband is having an affair. Instead of kicking him to the curb like most people around her are advising, she has decided to fight for their marriage.

She doesn’t have much support in this decision from her family and friends. It’s understandable—I often find that, in matters of the heart, your nearest and dearest are more loyal to you than you are to yourself. But then she is the one that loves her husband, and sometimes love is not able to be rationalized.

She has decided to try and forgive, which blows me away. Not least because I don’t think I could do it.

What a huge job this woman is undertaking.

Not only does she have to try and rebuild trust with the man that already did her wrong (harder almost than starting a new relationship, and trusting someone new with your heart) but she also has to rebuild her own self-esteem.

On one hand, they have children together, and many experts say that if the partners really can work it out and move on to a future relationship that isn’t full of hateful conflict, it can be better for the family in the long run than cutting your losses and leaving.

Some experts even maintain that a marriage can be stronger and better for having recovered from an affair.

To stay or to go is obviously a very personal decision. I think most people have an instinctive and knee-jerk reaction to infidelity.

I’ve always, always said adultery is a deal-breaker for me. Reader comments on the article reflect others with the same opinion. “Denise needs to get some self esteem,” says the first one off the bat. In the past, I would have tended to agree.

But the more I read into Denise’s story, and the more I started researching, the less sure I am about the cut-and-run approach, and the more impressed I am at her courage to stay.

Her story reminded me of that of Laura Munson, who refused to let her husband divorce her even though he wanted to leave the family.

Online, I found another woman who had been through adultery describe it: “He decided to leave me for a season of our marriage.”

I liked the connotation—marriage is a long, convoluted journey. For one season, her husband wasn’t up for the commitment. He has since recommitted and they seem like they’ve moved past it. The marriage endures.

Dr. Gary Neuman has found that the number one reason men cheat is because of an emotional disconnect at home. It’s not about the sex, or that the mistress is younger, or more attractive, it’s about them being dissatisfied with the emotional state of their relationship.

While Dr. Neuman hasn’t done studies on why women cheat, many websites cite the same reason. Emotional disconnect, feeling unloved, and feeling rejected.

In light of that, I think most people who have experienced infidelity could probably look at that and say. “Yes, my relationship could have done with some work to keep it stronger.” Or, “Yes, we did let the intimacy slide.”

They say it takes two to tango. That isn’t to condone the adulterous behavior, but if you can identify a reason for that infidelity, and one that you, personally, have some control over, you might begin to see how you could work it out together.

For anyone who finds themselves having to deal with this unfortunate situation, then one thing I would absolutely recommend is seeking professional help to deal with it. Adultery is simply too big and too complicated to tackle alone.

Without knowing what you’re supposed to do next, it can become bigger than you. Every fight can turn into: “Well, who cares what I did because you had an affair!” and that’s not forgiveness—that’s resentment.

Both partners have to want to rebuild, and both have to commit to working at it.

The most important thing to remember, if you find your partner is cheating, is that you don’t have to make a decision abut staying or going right away. Not today, and maybe not even tomorrow.

Take the time to vent, hurt, cry, and scream. Release all the grief that comes out. And then you will have a clearer head and can make a more rational choice about the future of your relationship.

Then you need to open the lines of communication, with help, and start to rebuild from the ground up.

Do you think you have it in you to forgive an affair?

Of course, there are certain things every relationship needs to function properly even at a basic level.

These essential foundations—trust, honesty, and attraction—should be already taken care of if you’re in any kind of a functional romantic relationship.

But what about the little extra things that make a good relationship great?

Here are five common habits of highly effective couples … as observed by me.

1. Commitment

A relationship is nothing without commitment. Because life is never one straight road. And relationships are a rollercoaster. There are highs and there are lows, and there are times where you feel like throwing in the towel and walking away.

It’s not that there are certain couples that are walking around on clouds all the time. Even the happiest of relationships have their dark hours. The highly effective couples are the ones that push through the other side to find the light and laughter again.

You only have a relationship as long as two people are committed to it. It’s a matter of waking up every morning and committing again and again to what you want, despite all the other hazards that get in the way.

Charlie and Linda Bloom, authors of Secrets of Great Marriages, have a lot to say about the topic of commitment in this interview with The Sydney Morning Herald.

2. Make an effort

Great couples make the effort to be great.

Connectedness, intimacy, conversation, and time together don’t come easily. Well, they do at first, but then you’re fighting a losing battle against hormones and time to keep all these things—and the spark—alive in your relationship. If you don’t make an effort, they will all but disappear and you’ll barely notice as it happens.

Great couples continue to reconnect and be intimate even when their libidos wane, they schedule regular date nights and make sure they stick to them, they talk about things that are not the bills, the children, or the washing.

They don’t just let life pass them and their relationships by in a heartbeat, without getting what they want from their relationship.

3. Time apart

It may sound counter-intuitive, but the couples that I admire are always ones that have great balance between their couple-time and their independence.

I love couples where each partner pursues their own hobbies, spends time with their own friends, and isn’t afraid to take leisure time alone. There is of course such a thing as too much time apart … but there’s also too much time together, and that can be just as damaging.

4. Fight fair

Every couple—even the happy ones—will have disagreements from time to time. Highly effective couples know that during an argument, they need to still respect their partner and listen, even if they don’t agree with them.

We talked earlier on FeelGooder about why fighting can be good for your relationship—go check out the article if you want some tips on how to fight constructively with your partner.

5. Play

I love couples who still play together, even after years in a long-term relationship.

A bit of playfulness in your day keeps you laughing, keeps you young, and keeps you happy. Singing loudly at the top of your lungs, dancing barefoot in the lounge room, tickling or water fights … whatever it is that takes your fancy, do it.

This is by no means a complete list. What other qualities do you see in couples you admire, or in your own relationship, that you can share with us?

This guest post is by Tara Egan, D.Ed., a school psychologist who blogs at Do These Kids Make Me Look Crazy?

Back in August, my daughter started kindergarten. Despite the fact that I’ve always worked three days per week and my children (ages 3 and 5) have been enrolled in a highly structured daycare program, it was a huge adjustment for our family.

Because I’m a school psychologist, I always feel some additional pressure to have well-adjusted, well-behaved children. I suspect that parents and teachers are less likely to adhere to advice from a psychologist whose children are chronically naughty, demonstrate few school-readiness skills, or fail to complete home assignments on time.

Naughty? Or tired?

During the first two months of kindergarten, my normally energetic and cheerful daughter was . . . irritable. She bickered with her brother, was sulky during meals, and cried easily. Upon careful reflection, I came to the conclusion that my girl was physically and emotionally exhausted from the demands of kindergarten. Getting up early for five days in a row, navigating the social expectations of her peers, and balancing the demands of each of her teachers was taxing.

Because I’ve always felt it was important to prevent behavioral problems rather than to react to behavioral problems, I made some minor changes in our home. I found that she greatly benefited from:

• Going to bed much earlier. Prior to kindergarten, she typically went to bed by 8pm and needed no prompting to start her day by 7am. I quickly learned that her attitude and stamina were greatly enhanced by putting her to bed by 7:15 pm at the latest. This meant adjusting other aspects of our day, such as dinner time and bath time.
• Spending 20-30 minutes of ‘alone time’ in her bedroom after a busy school day. At first she balked at this, but eventually she adjusted to, and even enjoyed, spending some quiet time coloring or playing with her dolls. After exiting her room, she was typically more cheerful and responsive to adult direction.
• Having advance notice about schedule changes. For example, each day the students have a different “special area” class to attend: physical education, art, Spanish, library, computers, or music. In addition, on Thursdays she has dance class after school. Each evening we discuss the next day’s events, make sure we have the appropriate materials (e.g., her library book) and she has a chance to ask questions or express concerns.
• Acknowledging that she sometimes misses her preschool days. Days in which she spent time engaging in relaxing activities, such as playing at the park, watching a favorite television show, or playing dress-up with her brother. She also expressed envy that her little brother got to spend entire days home with me. In response, I made a point to spend 1:1 time with her each week, unencumbered by school tasks or sibling rivalry.

Be a good role model

Starting kindergarten was a big milestone for both all us. I graduated from being the mother of a preschooler to the mother of a school-aged child. She entered a world where her parent’s rules and routines no longer dominated. I fretted about her social and emotional adjustment, her physical safety (getting lost, specifically), and her academic readiness.

I suspect that my anxiety rubbed off on her. While I am an educator who thinks highly of public education and have never, in all my years of working in elementary schools, learned of an incident where a kindergartner has been lost or mistreated, I still worried about my girl. I hated that she was going to be spending more time with strangers than with me, her loving parent. And although I only recall speaking positively of school in the most chipper of tones, the fact that I called fifteen of my neighbors to find out if any of her neighborhood friends were in her class and obsessively shopped for her school uniform probably tipped her off that I was experiencing some emotional ambiguity.

I’ve since learned to be mindful of my words, my actions, and my overall demeanor. I’ve learned that if I’m calm and positive, she is much more likely to be calm and positive.

Be prepared

Once school starts, parents are immediately burdened with a plethora of papers to be read, permission forms to be signed, school-fundraisers in which to participate, and homework assignments to be completed.

No matter how bright your child, she/he will need assistance with homework assignments.

Plan to spend some time every evening focusing on your child’s school demands. Set this time aside, because there will be long-term benefits to your child observing you taking their academic career seriously. This is your opportunity to teach them to prioritize school above social engagements, extra-curricular activities, and the lure of television. Spending time each evening addressing these demands will decrease responsibilities on a hectic weekday morning. Your child is much more likely to have a positive day at school if he/she starts it off calm and prepared. This will also benefit you later, when your child is old enough to take over some of the more mundane tasks.

In addition, your child’s teacher will recognize and appreciate your efforts and respond to your questions and concerns (and overlooked permission forms) with enhanced patience and compassion.

Support the teacher

As a school psychologist, I’ve found that on occasion parents fail to view the parent-teacher relationship as an alliance. A child coming home with a ‘sad face’ on their daily sheet suggests that the teacher’s rules are too harsh, rather than a sign that their child may require extra behavior reinforcement at home. A child complaining that a teacher is ‘boring’ may be a reaction to the increasing demands that a child remain in his/her seat, rather than to an unimaginative teaching style.

While there are always exceptions, I’ve found that most teachers are well-versed in developmental milestones, have realistic expectations for student behavior, and are appreciative of respectful communication between home and school. Also, it’s important to remember that while you are an expert on the needs of your particular child, the teacher has the opportunity to get to know your child relative to the other kindergarteners.

If he/she expresses a concern or makes a point to provide effusive praise, it’s likely due to the fact that the vast majority of the other students in her classroom are not exhibiting that particular behavior. Take advantage of the teacher’s perspective when it comes to supporting your child’s performance in school.

And even if you have doubts about a teacher to the point where you feel it’s necessary to express them to the teacher or to an administrator, it may be wise to leave your child out of the discussion. The bottom line is, she/he is your child’s teacher and must be treated respectfully. Sending your child the message that he/she does not have to adhere to an adult’s expectations is not likely to have positive results, either in the short-term or the long-term.

Encourage an age-appropriate amount of independence

Prior to entering school, it may have been appropriate to assist your child in completing tasks such as buttoning their pants after using the bathroom, opening a yogurt container, or packing up the necessary materials before an outing. But as the school year progresses, encourage your child to be more independent. Make sure that you are encouraging her to sharpen her own pencils, tie her shoes, and place essentials items in her backpack.

In addition, insist that your child use more advanced social skills: making eye contact when speaking to an adult, telling a waiter what he prefers to eat at a restaurant, and complimenting others. It may be helpful to practice these skills via role plays in order to increase your child’s competence. The more independence your child displays with regard to daily life skills and age-appropriate social skills, the more comfortable he/she is going to feel in the school environment.

I’d love to hear from parents out there whose family is experiencing the excitement of enrolling a child in kindergarten. I realize that many readers are from different parts of the world—some may be mid-way through the school year, while others are easing their way into a new school year. What tips can you share?

Tara E. Nusz , D.Ed., is a school psychologist who works in a public school outside of Charlotte, NC. She also blogs at Do These Kids Make Me Look Crazy?. Although Tara has to be very serious-minded at work, her blog completely disregards this in favor of “finding the funny” in her roles as mother, wife, and friend.

Today I want to share with you a favorite video clip of mine.

It’s from a TED conference held a few years back. It features Dr. Helen Fisher, who is doing some of the most important work in the world right now on romantic love. I could tell you all about it right now, but of course no one can explain it quite the way she can. So I’m going to leave it to her.

I met with Dr. Fisher when I was in New York last year and was utterly charmed by her as I conducted my interview.

She talks about what happens when she puts people who are in love into a brain-scanning machine, and what happens when they are in love and when they’ve just been dumped. She talks about how love is not an emotion like we may always have suspected it was—instead, she says it’s a drive, and a powerful one at that. As Dr. Fisher says in the video: “People live for love, they kill for love, they die for love.”

The video is about half an hour long but it’s fascinating. Grab a coffee and enjoy…

Why We Love, Why We Cheat

…and let us know your thoughts on Dr. Fisher’s points once you’re done!

I bet you didn’t even know you had a Love Map in you. Guess what? You do!

According to influential couples’ therapist Dr. John Gottman, your Love Map is the part of your brain where you store information about your partner’s dreams, goals, joys, fears, likes, dislikes, frustrations, and worries.

Things like your husband’s favorite TV show or your wife’s favorite leisure activities are significant “points” on your internal map.

Some people’s maps may be more built up than others. It really depends on how much you pay attention to your partner. Later on in this article, I’ll give you an easy way to test your love map, and an easy way to start building it up.

Thorough love maps are important, though. They strengthen relationships.

Couples with comprehensive love maps stay aware of their partner’s changing needs. They constantly seek updates on what the other person is doing, feeling, and thinking.

Being understood in this way is a gift each partner gives the other, bringing great happiness and satisfaction. It also leaves couples better prepared to cope with stresses on their relationship.

For example, in one study Gottman interviewed couples around the time of the birth of their first child. For 67% of couples this stressful event was accompanied by a significant drop in marital satisfaction.

But the other 33% didn’t feel a drop in satisfaction; in fact many felt their marriages had gotten stronger. The difference was the completeness of the couples’ love maps. “The couples whose marriages thrived after the birth had detailed love maps from the get-go,” says Gottman. “These love maps protected their marriages in the wake of this dramatic upheaval.”

The point is also that couples’ goals, dreams and priorities change over time. If couples can make a continued effort to update their love maps of each other, they stand a much better chance of making it through the hard times together.

Getting to know your partner

Set up a lighthearted quiz for you and your partner both to take about each other. You’re to answer questions about your partner’s preferences

Rather than getting angry that your sweetie was unaware of your favorite magazine, or social security number, it presents an opportunity for the two of you to bond further and get to know each other better.

My poor husband—I change my mind and my preferences at breakneck speed! My favorite color, food, beverage, and more could be completely different from one day to the next, depending on my mood. I still give him points if he guesses something that I used to like (last week) instead of something I currently like.

Luckily for me, he’s quite the creature of habit … like a slow-moving glacier. I’m pretty confident that what he likes now will not change by Friday.

That said, I’m conscious that to keep our maps updated, we need to keep communicating on a deeper level than just “Can you hang out the washing?” and “Have you seen my socks anywhere?”

How to play

This is a great activity for your next low-key date night. Over dinner, breakfast, coffee, or baking, see how well you know each other and perhaps learn something new about your partner.

Start by drafting 20 questions across the different love map categories that you can quiz each other on. To be fair, pick ten questions each.

Don’t get upset if your partner doesn’t know the answer. Use it as an opportunity to get to know each other a little better. It can be as trivial as your favorite brand of toothpaste or as deep as your darkest nightmare.

Here are the primary categories and some example questions you might like to ask:

Family: Who is my favorite relative? What was one of my best childhood experiences? My worst?

Friends: Name my two best friends. Name one of my major rivals/enemies. How did I meet my best friends? Who is my greatest source of support (besides you)?

Work: What is my dream job? What is one of my major career goals? What part of my job do I hate? Which of my colleagues do I like?

Hobbies: What is one of my favorite weekend activities? How do I let off steam? What’s my favorite sport?

Dreams: What are two of my aspirations, hopes, wishes? Do I have a secret ambition? What is it? What is my fondest unrealized dream? What do I fantasize about?

Favorites: What is my favorite book, movie, TV show, colour, flower, turn on? Which side of the bed do I prefer? What’s my favorite season? Where’s my favorite holiday destination?

Feelings: What medical problems do I worry about? What is one of my favorite ways to be soothed? What am I most sad about? What are some of the important events coming up in my life? How do I feel about them?

And so on.

Using the information

As you gather and store all these small details about your partner onto your love map, you can use the information to surprise and delight your sweetie in small ways.

For instance, a while ago my husband Den found out what one of my favorite comfort foods was from my childhood. He secretly contacted my mother for the recipe, went shopping for the ingredients and we made it together one night here at home.

You could buy your partner a bunch of their favorite flowers, pick up a copy of their favorite magazine, or take them to their favorite restaurant for dinner. If your partner has always dreamed of writing a novel, or learning French, enroll them in a short course to help them realize their dreams.

The best part

All this will make you feel closer to your partner and your unexpected gifts will be a wonderful way to show you appreciate them, love them and that you’re thinking of them.

How detailed is your Love Map for your partner? Do you know them as well as you think you do?

This guest post is by Ali Luke of Aliventures.

You’ve probably come across the Golden Rule before (even if you’ve not heard it called that). It’s often written as:

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

It’s found in Christianity, but also in many other religions and ethical systems. Most of us would agree that it’s a good rule to live by. You should treat other people in the same way that you’d want them to treat you.

The problem is, it’s not enough.

We’re not all the same

What you like is probably a bit different to what I like.

There are some things we can agree on (I hope!) We could say that:

• Neither of us like being hurt, mocked or made fun of.
• We both like people to treat us kindly and compassionately when we’re upset.
• We both want to be dealt with fairly.

…and so on. The Golden Rule works just fine for all of these.

But problems arise when we don’t agree. For instance:

• Maybe you love it when friends drop round unexpectedly, but I prefer to be forewarned!
• Maybe you couldn’t care less about receiving flowers, but I love them.
• Maybe you enjoy beer, but I can’t stand it.

In these situations, while I might appreciate your intentions, I’d probably rather you didn’t treat me in the way you’d like to be treated.

I’d much rather you treated me how I like to be treated.

Because we live inside our own heads, we often assume that other people think the same and feel the same as we do. Pace and Kyeli from The Connection Revolution do a great job of describing this in their book, The Usual Error, explaining:

We assume that others’ boundaries are the same as ours. We assume that others’ communication styles and personality types are the same as ours. … We assume that others’ bodies have the same physical limitations and thresholds as ours. We assume all kinds of things about other people all the time.

—from Chapter 1 of The Usual Error

It’s not bad that we think this way. It’s just something to be aware of, particularly if you’re struggling in your relationships with other people. Perhaps, instead of treating them just how you would like to be treated, you might need to ask what they would like.

How to figure out what other people want

So how do you know how someone wants to be treated? You could simply ask them, though not everyone is good at putting into words what they want and need.

You could also:

• Look at how they behave towards you. Generally, they’re probably acting in the same sort of way that they’d want you to act towards them.
• Pay attention to what they respond well to. Perhaps your friend Joe is really touched when you give him a present, for instance, but your friend Sue isn’t bothered about gifts and instead really values you spending time with her.
• Notice the times when you get it wrong. Maybe your sister reacts badly when you drop round unexpectedly, or your dad seems annoyed when you correct a grammatical mistake in his email. You might want people do to these things for you, but that doesn’t mean that everyone else feels the same way.

When has the Golden Rule let you down—and what could you do differently next time?

Ali Luke blogs about writing and the writing life over at Aliventures – you can grab the RSS feed here.

This post is by Brandon Yanofsky of brandonyanofsky.com.

Has the following ever happened to you? You’re on a first date and you begin imagining what your marriage would be like, and maybe what life together would be like. Now you just want this relationship to work, more than anything else. So you call or text the person a few times the next day. No response. So you text or call again. And then you get the dreaded call or text: “I just don’t think it’s going to work.” You realize that if you hadn’t been so eager, things might have gone differently.

This used to happen to me with every potential relationship. But no more.

Here’s how I’ve learned to deal with it. Note that I’m not a relationship specialist. This is simply what works for me and could work for you.

Keeping yourself grounded

The problem is we are letting our thoughts jump out of perspective. How do we know when this is happening? We begin using phrases like, “This is the person of my dreams” right after you meet. We can’t imagine life without this person. We have a constant urge to text or call them.

While these behaviors are all perfectly acceptable as we get further into a relationship, they aren’t acceptable early on. When we first meet someone, we don’t know much about him or her. So what we are doing is projecting what we want that person to be like. We are falling for an imagined version of this person, not for the actual person.

Here’s why this is a problem. When I used to become infatuated with a girl within the first or second date, one of two things would happen:

• I became so infatuated with her that she was turned off. People need time to feel each other out. And if one person comes on too strong, it can easily turn the other off.
• I had these images of how the relationship should be. And if we did establish a relationship, it never lived up to my imagination and soon failed.

How can you stay grounded?

When our thoughts are out of perspective in the beginning of a relationship, we need to remind ourselves:

1. I should get to know this person before making any judgments. Don’t let your mind run wild and create an imagined persona for this person.
2. Whether I date this person or not, I will be the same person. Don’t let a relationship define who you are. Realize that if it doesn’t work out, you will be no different. And if it does work out, you will still be no different.
3. The way I’m thinking right now isn’t rational. Sometimes, just reminding yourself that you’re thinking irrationally is enough to bring you back to rationality.
4. Is this really that big a deal? This is a great way to help relieve the pressure you are putting on yourself. At the moment of the pressure, the situation feels like a life or death situation. Asking yourself, “Does this really matter?” helps bring the situation back into perspective.

Doesn’t this ruin the spirit of love?

You may be saying to yourself, “But I believe in love at first sight.”

I say, “If you want love at first sight to work, you have to keep your emotions in check at first.” Here’s what I mean. An average person who begins dating has their figurative love emotions at a level of 5 (out of 10). When we let our thoughts get out of perspective, our love emotions are now at a level of 9 or 10, and this isn’t healthy.

Telling ourselves such things as, “This isn’t really that big a deal,” can help bring our emotions down to a healthy level.

And don’t worry about becoming numb to love. Using this thought technique will never make your emotions drop below a 5. The gushy, lovey-dovey reason for that is that no matter how hard we try, we can never disrupt true love.

Could this be why your love life isn’t adequate?

If you’d like to read more articles by Brandon Yanofsky, read his blog on anxiety relief.