Turn Off Your Mind to Turn On Your Body

March 3, 2011 by

This post is by Sheila Hart-O’Connor of www.writerathart.com.

“I can’t.”

“This is too hard.”

“I don’t know if I can handle it.”

Six months ago when I began attending Spinning classes at my health club, these were statements that often cycled through my head. Not because I inherently lacked confidence or because I had any physical limitations, but because I was scared of pushing myself. Spinning is a tough workout, and for beginners it can be downright overwhelming.

If you haven’t tried a Spinning class before, it’s much like riding a stationary bike, with the added benefits of a certified instructor, a range of riding “courses”, and energizing music to keep you motivated. Typically, the bike is specially designed for Spinning, equipped with adjustable seats, handles, and pedals to give riders maximum flexibility and comfort. Courses can include long, uphill climbs, heavy resistance, intervals, and “jumping”—moving between the seated position and standing—all while maintaining a target heart rate to help strengthen and challenge your cardiovascular fitness.

As I attended more Spinning classes, I noticed that I was able to maintain a faster pace, ride for longer periods, and even work through heavier resistance. That’s not to say the class ever became easy, but I did overcome small battles each time. But even after a few months, I still experienced periods when my mind wanted to control my progress. When my legs started to hurt, my mind told me that I wanted to slow down. When the ride was tough, I thought I wanted to ease up on the speed. My mind was actually convincing me that working harder just wasn’t possible.

If you think you can’t do it, then you won’t

Finally, one day as we closed in on the last challenge of a long and grueling course, the instructor said to us, “If you think you can’t do it, then you won’t.” At once, I realized she was completely right. I started to wonder, what if I just didn’t think of anything at all, and instead focused my energy on simply moving my body?

Suddenly, pushing through the course wasn’t nearly as difficult. Even after 45 minutes of continuous activity, the pain in my legs was replaced with amazing energy. I felt free from my mind. I felt really alive.

Here’s what I’ve taken away from this experience, and what I continue to use as my fitness mantra: If we decide something is true in our minds, it’s going to dictate the way our bodies react. But if we can learn to turn off our minds and just let our bodies do the work, we quickly realize how much stronger we are physically and, as a result, become stronger mentally.

Have you had the experience of breaking through negative thought to find greater stamina? Share your thoughts with us.

Sheila Hart-O’Connor is a freelance copywriter that enjoys helping businesses and individuals build long-lasting relationships with their customers through effective and relevant online communication. Her work and accomplishments can be viewed online at www.writerathart.com.

5 Tips for Managing Depression During Pregnancy

March 2, 2011 by

This post is by Nsmukundan  of Healthmango.

As pregnant women undergo different kinds of hormonal changes during pregnancy, depression can become an issue. Medical research has revealed that around 10% of women experience depression during their pregnancy. There are various simple natural treatments which can be practiced by every pregnant woman to avoid the complications caused by depression. If this problem is left untreated it can end up affecting both the mother’s and baby’s health.

Here are five easy, effective, natural ways to reduce your risk of depression during pregnancy.

1. Stay social

During pregnancy, some women can feel isolated from friends or family, and this can aggravate depression. It’s very important to stay in touch with friends and family, and to keep busy with activities and people who are helpful or supportive. There are various support and information groups for pregnant women, and mingling in social groups like this is a wonderful way to achieve optimism.

2. Stay stress-free

Among the contributors to depression is stress. It’s a good idea for mums-to-be to identify the actual sources of stress, and try to figure out ways to handle them—perhaps with the help of a trusted friend or counselor. As mental health is so important at the time of pregnancy, pregnant woman might also consider maintaining a distance from stress-causing people or activities.

3. Enjoy a healthy and balanced diet

A pregnant women is recommended to have a healthy and sufficient diet not only for her physical health but also for mental health. Diet can affect hormone and blood sugar levels, which can in turn impact our moods. Eating healthily is an essential element in creating a sense of well-being.

4. Enjoy physical exercise

Regular exercise not only helps a pregnant woman stay fit, but also brings lot of other benefits. Exercise has the power to improve our mood, but it also makes the body more flexible and can be a helpful preparation for the time of delivery. One need not exercise for hours together to handle stress or depression, and pregnant women can enjoy a range of exercise options. For example, prenatal yoga is considered to be highly effective exercise with various benefits for pregnant women.

5. Accessing counseling

At times these treatments may not be all that’s required to lift depression. In such cases, the woman may consider seeking professional support and help to handle their depression. Personal counseling with a professional who has an experience in depression or anger management, and conversation on a regular basis, may help relieve feelings of frustration or depression. This therapy can also help prepare the new mother for the various changes which are on the way.

Have you experienced depression during or after pregnancy? What advice can you add to help other mums?

Nsmukundan is the owner of Healthmango. In his Health Blog he covers all topics related to Health and Fitness. You can find his blog on Twitter @healthmango.

Is Anxiety Killing Your Romance Before it Begins?

March 1, 2011 by

This post is by Brandon Yanofsky of brandonyanofsky.com.

Has the following ever happened to you? You’re on a first date and you begin imagining what your marriage would be like, and maybe what life together would be like. Now you just want this relationship to work, more than anything else. So you call or text the person a few times the next day. No response. So you text or call again. And then you get the dreaded call or text: “I just don’t think it’s going to work.” You realize that if you hadn’t been so eager, things might have gone differently.

This used to happen to me with every potential relationship. But no more.

Here’s how I’ve learned to deal with it. Note that I’m not a relationship specialist. This is simply what works for me and could work for you.

Keeping yourself grounded

The problem is we are letting our thoughts jump out of perspective. How do we know when this is happening? We begin using phrases like, “This is the person of my dreams” right after you meet. We can’t imagine life without this person. We have a constant urge to text or call them.

While these behaviors are all perfectly acceptable as we get further into a relationship, they aren’t acceptable early on. When we first meet someone, we don’t know much about him or her. So what we are doing is projecting what we want that person to be like. We are falling for an imagined version of this person, not for the actual person.

Here’s why this is a problem. When I used to become infatuated with a girl within the first or second date, one of two things would happen:

  • I became so infatuated with her that she was turned off. People need time to feel each other out. And if one person comes on too strong, it can easily turn the other off.
  • I had these images of how the relationship should be. And if we did establish a relationship, it never lived up to my imagination and soon failed.

How can you stay grounded?

When our thoughts are out of perspective in the beginning of a relationship, we need to remind ourselves:

  1. I should get to know this person before making any judgments. Don’t let your mind run wild and create an imagined persona for this person.
  2. Whether I date this person or not, I will be the same person. Don’t let a relationship define who you are. Realize that if it doesn’t work out, you will be no different. And if it does work out, you will still be no different.
  3. The way I’m thinking right now isn’t rational. Sometimes, just reminding yourself that you’re thinking irrationally is enough to bring you back to rationality.
  4. Is this really that big a deal? This is a great way to help relieve the pressure you are putting on yourself. At the moment of the pressure, the situation feels like a life or death situation. Asking yourself, “Does this really matter?” helps bring the situation back into perspective.

Doesn’t this ruin the spirit of love?

You may be saying to yourself, “But I believe in love at first sight.”

I say, “If you want love at first sight to work, you have to keep your emotions in check at first.” Here’s what I mean. An average person who begins dating has their figurative love emotions at a level of 5 (out of 10). When we let our thoughts get out of perspective, our love emotions are now at a level of 9 or 10, and this isn’t healthy.

Telling ourselves such things as, “This isn’t really that big a deal,” can help bring our emotions down to a healthy level.

And don’t worry about becoming numb to love. Using this thought technique will never make your emotions drop below a 5. The gushy, lovey-dovey reason for that is that no matter how hard we try, we can never disrupt true love.

Could this be why your love life isn’t adequate?

If you’d like to read more articles by Brandon Yanofsky, read his blog on anxiety relief.

What Running a Marathon Taught Me About Running a Business

February 24, 2011 by

This post is by Suellen Hughes of www.transforme.com.au

As a marathon runner, I often find myself thinking about my business while I’m out training. Using training time to listen to business related podcasts or work through business challenges is a good use of the time and a nice distraction.

Image is author's own

Recently a mentor said to me “running a business is like running a marathon—not a sprint” and that got me thinking about what other lessons I could draw from my running to apply to my business.

There are some obvious similarities like the need to have a vision, long and short term goals, a plan, and the metrics to tell you whether or not you’re on track.

There are also a few less-obvious lessons to be drawn.

Interval training is uncomfortable but worth the pain

Interval training at its most basic involves running at a fast pace, close to maximum exertion, for a short distance, then recovering for a short while, then repeating a number of times, aiming for the same or better pace. It’s also sometimes called Fartlek training—don’t you just love that word?

What’s the benefit?

The main aim of interval training is to improve cardiovascular fitness or Vo2 Max—the body’s capacity to transport and use oxygen during exercise—which is important for running 42.2kms (26.2miles). Without interval training, runners can end up running at the same comfortable pace and they don’t improve. They become what’s known as “one-pace plodders.”

What’s business lesson?

If you want to improve, sometimes you need to get out of your comfort zone.

To improve and grow your business, you need to try new things. This doesn’t mean embracing innovation or change for the sake of it. What it does mean is: add something challenging into the mix. If your business isn’t growing as fast as you’d like, try something different. You might feel uncomfortable, but if you keep doing the same old things year in and year out, you risk stagnating or, worse still, failing.

It’s hard to fit the training in, but if you don’t, you’ll pay the price on race day

Training for a marathon takes a lot of time. Typical marathon training plans start at least ten weeks prior to the event, with some beginning up to 18 weeks beforehand. Although plans vary depending on the runner’s level and goals, they all include a gradual increase in the number of miles covered each week and the duration of “the long run.” For most runners, training includes for or five runs every week, including a long run of three to four hours. Training sessions need to be scheduled.

What’s the benefit?

Having a training plan to follow means that you can work out when you’ll do your training sessions, how long each session will take, and when you need to juggle to fit training around other life events. The training plan has an end goal and a fixed date: the marathon.

What’s the business lesson?

You need to plan and schedule activities to get it all done.

Solopreneurs and small business owners don’t often have (m)any staff to delegate to. There is so much to get done, and it can be overwhelming. Setting short term goals, then scheduling the activities needed to reach them, makes the unachievable seem doable.

If you don’t schedule, then you’ll end up not doing enough, putting off the hard or unpleasant tasks (like chasing payments), or never finding the time to do the critical but less-urgent activities that require a lot of time and determine future success (like creating new products).

Marathons are as much mental as physical

Sure, a marathon runner needs to be in good physical shape. Without the basic physical conditioning, it’s unlikely that the runner will complete the event. However, as all marathon runners tell you, once you hit the 30-35km (18-22miles) mark, it becomes as much a mental game as a physical one.

What’s the benefit?

Being mentally prepared as well as physically capable will result in a successful marathon.

What’s the business lesson?

Having the right mindset is as important as the right skill or product set.

Running a successful business is not only about having the business know-how and the right products and services. It’s also about being mentally prepared; being self-confident in your abilities; being able to talk yourself through the pain of missing out on that big contract; charging what you’re worth; and standing on a stage and asking people to sign up for your program.

Race day conditions are not always ideal but the race goes on anyway

Marathons take place in all weather conditions: torrential rain, heatwaves, snow storms, you name it. Some marathons are road races, others off track. Some are flat, some hilly. Marathons don’t get canceled because it’s a few degrees hotter than ideal. The same should apply to training. Don’t miss a session because it’s raining—use it as an opportunity to test possible race day conditions

What’s the benefit?

Marathons are about endurance. It’s about competing in an extremely physically and mentally challenging event. It’s about finding a way to push through and cross the finish line.

What’s the business lesson?

We need to make our businesses work even when we’re faced with less than ideal conditions.

We might not have the budget to market our business the way we’d like. We might be feeling a bit under the weather the day we have to make that important presentation. We will have our ups and downs. Regardless, we need to find a way to push ahead. You can’t just cancel a product launch, a major customer event, or a new opening because the conditions are not ideal. Push ahead. Find a way to make it work.

There are lots of competitors but you need to run your own race

Arriving on race day at the starting area, you are surrounded by other runners. The line up for the Port-a-Loos (Port-a-Potty) is horrendous! Everyone is all kitted out and looks fit. Your stomach is full of butterflies and the adrenalin starts pumping. The important thing is to run your own race!

What’s the benefit?

It’s easy to get caught up in what others are doing and go out too fast, only to suffer later. You need to stick to your race plan and trust in yourself.

What’s the business lesson?

The only way to compete is to be in the race.

There will always be competitors. Some will be better than us. Some won’t make it. Strong competitors give us something to aspire to. Some will sneak up and overtake us. Someone has to come last, but next year, they’ll be better.

The final word goes not to a runner but to cyclist Lance Armstrong:

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”

Suellen Hughes is a wife, mother, fit forty something, lover of life, marathon runner and Chief Kick Starter of www.transforme.com.au. She mentors gutsy, motivated people who are fed up with the daily grind, to kick start their own lifestyle change.

Change Your Love Life on Your Lunch Break

February 17, 2011 by

This post is by Dennis Miedema of Win With Women.

Imagine combining work and dating so you could meet your very own Angelina Jolie while you’re still climbing the corporate ladder. Wouldn’t that be a dream come true?

Let’s face it: it’s frustrating to come home to an empty, lonely house, only to realize that your job is so soul-sucking that you have zero energy left to go out and meet women.

But what if there was a way to combine work and dating? Imagine not driving home, but floating home, feeling proud that you put in 40+ hours of work this week and still managed to get a few phone numbers and dates.

Step1: Quit the routines

Do you remember how many people wore red last time you went to the store? No? No one does.

If you repeat any activity often enough, it becomes a routine, and that means you stop paying attention to it. Daily routines, obligations, and morning rituals are all routines.

Routines are bad news if you want to combine work and dating. Why? Because you don’t realize what’s going on around you. You programmed yourself to do one thing, and that’s it.

The result: you walk right past that cute brunette you could have talked to if you were paying attention. You didn’t even see her, did you?

There are lots of times when this happens: on your way to work, during lunch break, on your way home, on your way to the supermarket … The list goes on, and on, and on.

If you want to combine work and dating, then make practical use of your time. Talk to women on your way to work, during your lunch break, and so on.

Cut the routines. Start looking around again. Wake up!

Step 2: Start talking

What do us men do when women look our way? Often, we assume they’re looking at someone or something behind us. Or that they accidentally looked our way. Or maybe even that we must look funny somehow.

The average human eye needs less than half a second to recognize its surroundings. Within a second our body reacts to what we see.

So when that fine lady over there looks your way for longer than a second, it means something. It means she could be interested. All you have to do is smile, and if she smiles back? Start talking.

While you’re worrying about how you’ll feel if you walk up to a woman and find she doesn’t want to talk to you, keep this in mind: most of us human beings feel rejected when we make eye contact with others, and they don’t act on it. It’s worth the risk: I promise. Count the number of times a day when women look your way for a couple seconds. You’ll be surprised—shocked even. You can meet all of them if you want to!

Fellas, wake up and start seeing what’s going on. And do something useful with your lunch time and your commute, won’t you?

Dennis Miedema is known for sharing no-nonsense tips for men to improve their love life and social life on his Win With Women blog, for his coffee and movie addictions, and for his brutal sarcasm that makes even the crappiest moments in life put a smile on your face.

Fifteen Ways to Enjoy Your Work More—Whatever You Do

February 16, 2011 by

This post is by Ali Luke of Aliventures.

Maybe you’re working at a day job which isn’t really “you”. You’re doing it for the money, until something better comes along.

Or maybe you enjoy your work. You’re in a career you love, or you work for yourself. Even so, you still have days when you just want to stay in bed.

Even mundane, low-paid jobs have their good moments. It’s just a matter of finding them. So rather than daydreaming (yet again) about quitting, here are fifteen ways to enjoy your work a bit more.

Focus on you

If you’re not taking care of yourself, you’ll find your motivation dropping towards rock-bottom. Sometimes, enjoying your work means making sure that the rest of life is going strong.

  1. Get enough sleep. If you’re regularly feeling tired and groggy, you’ll be struggling to get through your work at all – let alone enjoy it. Try shutting down the computer at 9pm, and reading a book for the rest of the evening; you’ll find it much easier to drop off.
  2. Avoid excessive drinking. If you’re feeling bored or stressed at work, it might be tempting to head straight to the bar every evening – but a hangover isn’t going to make you feel any better the next morning.
  3. Improve your work space. Is your desk cluttered? Is your office drab and uninspiring? Just tidying up, and perhaps finding some nice wall art, will give you a much nicer working environment.
  4. Think positively. Sure, maybe it’s just a “day job” and you’d rather be at home writing your novel. But referring to work as “cubical hell” or to yourself as a “wage-slave” is only going to make you feel worse.
  5. Get enough downtime. That probably doesn’t mean napping on the job – but if you run your own business or work long hours for an employer, make sure you’re taking enough time to rest and recharging.

Focus on someone else

Sometimes, it’s much easier to find motivation for your work when you start thinking about the people who you can help. They might be clients, colleagues or even your boss.

  1. Go the extra mile. Perhaps a customer emails and asks for help. You could just point them towards the online documentation – but, from their email, you suspect they’ll struggle to find the information that they need. Take an extra five minutes to guide them through it.
  2. Say “thank you”. If you’re in charge of a team, or have subordinates reporting to you, remember that a “thank you” can mean a lot more than a paycheck. It also helps you to get into a more appreciative mindset.
  3. Think about who you’re helping. In almost any job, you’re helping someone. Perhaps you fix bugs in software. It might seem dull at times – but by solving those problems, you’re making sure that the software’s users have a great experience.
  4. Give a colleague a hand. Maybe you’re bored at work because you don’t have enough to do. It’s pretty likely that someone else in the office is feeling under pressure and would love some help. What could you do to make their day easier?
  5. Get to know people. If you don’t like your job much, you might feel that you have nothing in common with your workmates. Maybe they’re all a lot older (or younger) than you, or they seem boring. Give them a chance – they might turn out to be a lot more fun than you think.

Focus on Your Work

When your work is going badly, it’s going to be almost impossible to stay positive about your job. You’ll enjoy it more when you feel on top of things. Here’s how:

  1. Delegate properly. Hand over tasks which you don’t need to be doing, and give your colleague full responsibility – don’t micromanage. If you work for yourself, consider hiring someone to take on the jobs which you find difficult or tedious.
  2. Do your toughest work first. Have you ever put something off for weeks, and found that the longer you put it off, the harder it was to get started? By tackling the “tough” things (whatever you feel resistance to), you’ll make the rest of your day seem easy.
  3. Don’t go straight to your inbox. Do you really need to open your emails at 8.30am? Most people will be happy to wait a few hours for a reply. Get on with your important tasks before tackling emails – it’ll make your whole day go more smoothly.
  4. Give it your best. If you habitually do as little work as you can get away with, you’re probably not going to feel much sense of satisfaction. Put some effort in, however routine the task, and at least you’ll know that you did a good job (even if no-one else notices).
  5. Concentrate. All the distractions and interruptions in a typical office can eat up hours of valuable work time. Close Facebook and Twitter, turn off the new email notifications, and get on with your work – your day will go much more smoothly, and you’ll have a sense of accomplishment at the end of it all.

What are your favorite ways to make work more enjoyable? Share them with us in the comments!

Ali Luke works for herself as a writer and writing coach. Over on her blog Aliventures, she has two resource-packed posts for new freelancers and entrepreneurs: Freelance Writing: Ten Steps, Tons of Resources and Beyond Freelancing: The Shift to Entrepreneur.

What is Leadership? And is it for You?

February 14, 2011 by

This guest post is by Doug Lawrence of TalentC.

Have you been positively or negatively influence by some of the leaders that you have encountered during your career? Has their influence inspired you to take on challenges, or to run away from those challenges? Are you questioning your abilities? Have you, for the most part, accepted a role that is just “okay”?

I had a conversation with a colleague of mine—a very bright and gifted person who I have always felt had the qualities of a great leader. But for some reason, this person didn’t want to take on the role of being a leader, and that troubled me, as good leaders are few and far between. So I started to ask questions, and was somewhat surprised by the answers.

We all go through the first part: my colleague asked, “do I really have the skills to be a leader or manager?” Part of being able to take on this challenge is believing in yourself. You know the self-affirmation that we should all be doing from time to time—“I think I can” and “I knew I could,” which may bring back some storybook memories!

If someone thinks that you have the qualities to be a good leader and is willing to mentor you to help you prepare for these challenges I think that you should jump on board the leadership train and go for it! A good mentor will make sure that you are not being set up to fail.

The second part of our discussion involved learned behavior. My colleague had made observations of certain organizational behaviors that caused this future leader to shy away from leadership roles. Why is that? Working in organizations where alleged “leadership behaviors” fell short of what could be considered desirable had tarnished this person’s view of what a leadership role involved.

In other words, my colleague thought, “I am afraid that if I take on this role, I may become like them, and for me, that’s not acceptable behavior.” It’s interesting to think that leaders can have so much influence on a future leader’s decision to step up to a leadership role, or run the other way. Learned behavior is a difficult thing to change, and it won’t happen overnight.

So what can we do to change all of this? If the organization that you work for accepts “leadership” behaviors that you dislike, it’s probably time to re-evaluate your values and decide whether those behaviors disagree with your values.

If there is a disparity, and the organization isn’t willing to change as a whole, then you have a bigger problem—and some personal decisions to make. Consider the “leadership” behaviors you’re seeing and ask yourself, “What would I do differently in this situation? How can I ensure that I do not develop the behaviors that have turned me against taking on management and leadership opportunities? Am I willing to make a difference? Or will I just go with the flow?”

Sadly, my colleague chose to not pursue leadership opportunities, which is most definitely a loss to the organization that he works for. He will continue to contribute in many other ways, but his organization will face future challenges with one less leader that would have made a difference.

What about you? Are you avoiding leadership roles because of bad examples you’ve seen in the workplace? Do you think you could do things differently? I’d love to discuss your thoughts in the comments.

Doug Lawrence is the founder of TalentC™ – People Services Inc. and has over 30 years of management and leadership experience. TalentC™ provides succession planning/development, mentor programs/training/certification and software/human resources outsourcing as well as job and life coaching. Visit the TalentC™ website and blog at http://www.talentc.ca or contact us for more information through the contact page of our website.

An Open Letter to Dr Phil and Oprah

February 10, 2011 by

This post is by Kim Murphy.

Dear Dr. Phil and Oprah,

Soon I’ll be back in the workforce. But I want you to know I’ve really enjoyed the time we’ve spent together over the last few months. You’ve been great company while I’ve been at home, trying to decide what new career direction to take.

Image by Danilo Vitoriano

You’ve helped me structure my days. I don’t usually watch television during the daytime, but I’ve made an exception for you. In the morning, I happily go about my household chores and run errands, knowing Dr Phil will be dropping by at midday followed by Oprah at one o’clock. Not that I necessarily sit glued to the television while you’re on—most days I keep on working, and you’re there in the background while I’m washing or ironing or stacking the dishwasher.

After you’ve finished for the day, I switch off the television and head out to tackle one of the many activities I’ve rediscovered now I’ve got more time. But I often think about what you’ve discussed that day.

You’ve given me information and advice about things I would otherwise never have known. I credit Dr Phil with my knowledge of drug addiction and rehabilitation, a topic regularly discussed on his show. In the unlikely case my husband should turn to drugs, I now feel informed enough to (a) perform an intervention in our home, (b) have my husband admitted to a rehab centre, ideally La Hacienda Treatment Centre in Texas, and (c) avoid becoming an “enabler”, thereby sabotaging my husband’s recovery from addiction.

Likewise, I thank Oprah for introducing me to so many of her good friends. Her favourite interior designer, Nate Berkus, has helped me understand how decluttering my home and installing decent wardrobes can change my life. Her favourite physician, Dr Mehmet Oz, has taught me how to enrich my diet with anti-aging foods, like blueberries and green tea. And her favourite sex therapist, Dr Laura Berman, has reminded me to use the correct anatomical names for my body parts, rather than saying “va-jay-jay” and “botbot.”

These last few months at home have renewed my spirit and helped me reconnect with things I enjoy. I’ve taken classes in creative writing and Swedish massage at my local community college. I’ve put my cookbooks to good use and reignited my passion for cooking. I’ve got to know the shopkeepers in my neighbourhood. I’ve started swimming again.

Yes, I’ve been busy while I reoriented my life and chose a new career path, but when I had a quiet moment, you were always there. And whenever I felt nervous about the future, you reminded me that my concerns are manageable, and my life is rich. Thank you, Dr Phil and Oprah!

Kim

Kim Murphy lives in Sydney, Australia with her husband and two cats. She recently said goodbye to a stressful career in corporate marketing and now works part-time for a small consultancy and studies Swedish massage. Her friends and family take advantage of her new massage skills whenever possible.

Should You Burn Your Bridges?

February 7, 2011 by

This post is by Marly McMillen of NamelyMarly.

I’m in an online group forum that reminds me of a mismatched pink sock. It’s one of those forums that delivers hundreds of mindless emails to my account. Usually I delete them with hardly a glance, all the while wondering why I just don’t unsubscribe. It’s like that darn pink sock. I should just get rid of it.

But one day, someone made a comment on that forum that caught my attention. It was something to this effect, “No matter what happens, you should never burn a bridge.”

A simple comment, but it played the pinball circuit in my brain the rest of the afternoon. And through the remainder of the week. We should never burn bridges. What an interesting thing to say so absolutely.

Aren’t there times when burning a bridge could be a good thing? As Don Henley once said, “Sometimes you get the best light from a burning bridge.”

Image by Shawn Beelman

What does it mean exactly to burn a bridge? The Urban Dictionary defines burning a bridge as “cutting off all ties in a relationship; to burn a bridge means to be completely done with something.”

I don’t know why but the burning bridge theme made me think of Sherron Watkins, the famous whistleblower at Enron. What would have happened to her or countless others had she not spoken up about the infamous indiscretions of her employer?

Before you answer that question, be aware of this little tidbit, whistleblowers are without a doubt burning bridges. In fact, statistics show that most people who choose to blow the whistle at their place of employment face a trifecta of bad outcomes: they’re either demoted, fired, or they resign (from the internal pressure) within a year.

Translation? That bridge is burned.

But whistleblowers also serve a greater good. According to the US’s National Whistleblower’s Center, whistleblowers are the “single most important corporate resource for detecting and preventing fraud.” They’re basically heroes. And most of them don’t end up on the cover of Time magazine like Ms. Watkins. No, most whistleblowers are unsung heroes who suffer persecution.

Redirection, not retribution

I can think of 99 reasons of out a 100 why most of the time we should find ways to cross a bridge rather than burn it. In fact, most relationships—be they work or personal—have something in them that’s worth salvaging. If not for today, then they have the potential for some greater good at a future point in time.

The trick is knowing when it’s time to salvage or move on. Here are a few examples of both.

The annoying boss

Your boss may cause steam to spout from your ears (think: Bugs Bunny) but that’s not necessarily a reason to burn a bridge. It is, however, a sign that it might be time to dust off that suit and start looking for another job. You may be grateful to be able to use that boss as a reference after you’ve moved on.

The boundless friend

If you have a friend who doesn’t understand boundaries, it’s time to redirect. Be very clear with your friend what your boundaries are—don’t call after 10pm, or no more late-night parties. Whatever the expectation is, as long as you’re being reasonable, then your friend should be respectful of those boundaries. If after several reminders they still don’t get it, it might be time to move on.

The constant critic

You have an internal critic that lives in your head. Maybe it’s the voice of your second-grade teacher telling you how incompetent you are or your older brother who reminds you at every turn that you’re stupid. This is one time where you should burn that bridge with abandon. Like Madonna says, “strike a match, there’s nothing to it.” Tell your inner critic goodbye and replace his or her voice with some positive mantras of peace and love!

The politically incorrect friend

In today’s increasingly acerbic climate, you might have a friend or family member of the opposite political persuasion who constantly tries to engage you in a word war. Remind him or her that you care about them, and you don’t want the conversation to deteriorate into a shouting match. Do your best to salvage by avoiding any land mines thrown your way, but be prepared. If you reach the point where there are more missiles than missives, you may have to negotiate a peace treaty. Agree on the subjects you will and will not talk about in the future.

The bad habit

You should definitely consider burning the bridge on a bad habit that’s been hanging around for years. Smoking? Overeating? Gambling? You know what it is that has a grip on your life. The idea of burning a bridge is really about moving on to new territory and there’s evidence to suggest that replacing an old vice with a new passion is a great way to finally break free.

So you see, there are times when you can cross over and build a better and stronger bridge in the process. But there are also other times, when a new direction without the possibility of return is the only way to go.

Just think. All of this from one comment out of a thousand from an online forum. That forum is just like my mismatched pink sock. I don’t know why I keep it, but there’s a one in a thousand chance that I’ll be glad it’s there some day.

Marly McMillen has a passion for life, family, vegan food, and names. She writes about all of these and more on her site at NamelyMarly. Marly’s podcast, NamelyMarly, can be found on iTunes, where she interviews people about their names. The people she interviews include famous authors, models, and even the people she meets at the park. Marly is also passionate about healthy food and shares vegan recipes as well.

FeelGooder Asks: What Drains Your Energy?

February 4, 2011 by

This post is by Dr. Peter J. Meyers of 30GO30.

We all live in the real world, and feeling good about life often means recognizing the kind of people, events, and activities that drag us down, so that we can avoid them. So, today I’d like to ask:

What drains your energy?

Image by nazreth

Maybe it’s a certain type of personality, or three-hour meetings, or even that thing you eat too much of and know you shouldn’t—but something probably knocks the wind out of your sails.

For me one of these things is politics. I realized after the 2008 elections that I just needed a break from it—I was reading blogs, commenting, and generally obsessing, and it drained me (not to mention that it ate up huge chunks of my day). I think it’s important to be informed, but those activities weren’t helping anyone, including me.

Not all energy vampires are avoidable, of course, but there’s a lot that we do have control over (including our own train of thought), and there are plenty of bad habits we can break that kill our positivity.

If you knew you could get rid of just one drain on your energy, what would it be?

Dr. Peter J. Meyers (“Dr. Pete”) is a cognitive psychologist, accidental entrepreneur, and aspiring non-procrastinator. He recently founded 30GO30, a site dedicated to finding out exactly how much you can accomplish in 30 days.

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