This post is by Kayla Albert of ConfessionsofaPerfectionist.
When it comes to relationships, each of us carries our fair share of misconceptions. One of the most prevalent misconceptions is that the bond we share with out partner is most easily cemented by spending more time together.
This may be true on some levels. After all, studies have shown that sharing unique experiences with someone else makes us feel a deeper and stronger connection to them. But, given that we are separate and unique individuals, I would suggest that spending time apart is just as important.
Once we’ve been with someone for a significant amount of time, it becomes easy to meld into them, to make their happiness our goal, to take on their hobbies, and rely on them when it comes to making decisions. We seek comfort and once we’ve found it, we become fearful of losing it.
Unfortunately, this can easily lead to resentment and a loss of self down the road. So how can this situation be remedied or avoided altogether? By staying committed to our own personal growth and spending time with ourselves.
Here are some tips to help you do just that.
Have separate hobbies
Having hobbies you participate in as a couple is a great way to relate to your partner on another level, but that doesn’t mean you should abandon your individual hobbies all together. In fact, participating in activities on your own, without your partner, gives you something to talk about when you do come back together.
In addition, these outside interests can boost your self-esteem by leaps and bounds, which can change the way you show up in your relationship.
Spend time with your friends
If you’re lucky enough to have a few great friendships, then most likely the connections you have with these individuals is extremely different than what you have with your significant other—and all are extremely important for your peace of mind.
Abandoning your friends once you start a relationship can make you feel isolated and alone—even if your relationship is spectacular.
Learn to love being alone
A significant portion of the population loathes being alone. Unfortunately, being uncomfortable with being alone can lead you to make relationship decisions based on the fear of being left. If you can learn to appreciate the time you spend with just yourself, you are essentially bringing a more whole version of yourself to your relationship.
Learn to do things alone that you would have never imagined doing before. Go eat in an upscale restaurant. Go walk around a museum. After working through being uncomfortable, you’ll feel liberated—I promise.
Take time to reflect
When you’re constantly on the go, you likely aren’t taking the time you need to check in with yourself. Reflect over your life, and notice what’s working and what isn’t. Create a list of what you’d like to see in your life and come up with goals to make it happen.
If you’re taking time out to tend to your own personal happiness, you might inspire your partner to do the same, resulting in a better relationship for both of you.
What tips can you add to the list? I’d love to hear them!
Kayla Albert is a freelance writer, blogger, and firm believer in living life deliberately. You can find her at: http://confessionsofaperfectionist.wordpress.com
About Guest Contributor
This is true of every relationship you have, including your children. People don’t like to talk about it usually, but getting away from your kids is crucial. I feel like a better mom when I get time away from my kids. I come back to them refreshed and ready to mother them instead of feeling burnt out with this “OMG, just leave me alone, PLEASE!” attitude.
Hi Kayla,
This may appear to be controversial but it works. You are right. We all need time apart. Otherwise there arises some serious space issues. I am sure this way it feels light and great all the time; even when we are together with our partner or apart.
BTW, there is something wrong with the author bio and the links!
Cheers,
Jane.
Hey Kayla,
I totally agree that too much time together in any relationship is a “bad” thing. We need space in order to spread our wings and fly.
Relationships that promote freedom and individuality are the ideal ones in my opinion. I’ve been in smothering relationships and they are unhealthy to say the least.
Learning to be alone and do things alone removes fear and promotes strength and courage.
Hello Kayla,
Oh yes it’s true, “too much familiarity” can create gaps in a relationship (I’m not saying it’s bad but there is always a downside to that). In fact, it really applies to all. interestingly even with married couples. If one is too consumed with the other, at some point, the other gets tired of the situation. It complicates things. Indeed, we were created individually and so we to at learn to face instances that demands our individuality. Having someone we love and who loves us is a gift and offering a sense of space within a relationship can help the two people breathe happily.
Thanks for sharing this! It’s truly inspiring!
🙂
Kayla,
Excellent tips here. Hopefully more people will heed them. 🙂
Helloo,
Im 18 and i have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years, we have spent almost every single day with each other since day one. At first it was great but then after two years we started arguing all the time and i started to feel like he got bored of me and neither of us had jobs so we couldn’t go out together like couples do as much. A few months ago we broke up because the spark had gone and we just argued all the time, but we got back together because we love each other and want it to work, but we still spend nearly everyday with each other and im worried that he will get bored of me , so i’v decided 2 spend 4 days away from him to see what its like but im worried he will enjoy the time apart more than time together and realise he doesnt want a girlfriend. My mind is always thinking like this but i cant help it and it makes me want to be with him everyday. I know spending time apart will help but im worried that it wont
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Refreshing take.
I always thought if you are having problems, it makes sense to take a break and get away from each other for awhile, but usually the advice given is to spend more time together. . Think about it. That makes about as much sense as: “having problems at work? Work longer hours! Trouble with your in-laws? Get together with them more often!”
Too much time together often leads to over-familiarization and/or enmeshment.
thus the saying “over familiarization leads to contempt”.
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